Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 25

Catwoman · 10-21-2004, 10:00 AM

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a

little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts

fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the

girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and

says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But

I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American

saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent

American dog!"

404Error · 10-21-2004, 05:37 PM

There was a secret, surprise trial for Sadam Hussein today.

The sentence....

zippyt · 10-22-2004, 09:16 PM

AHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!
But he deserves it !!!!!!

busterb · 10-22-2004, 09:27 PM

Corporate Lesson #6

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing

that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to

stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it

must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will

starve to death.

Moral of the story:

It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a

lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling

ass

wolf · 10-23-2004, 01:49 AM

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone!"

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully. For the last time, I said ... BRING POSSE!"

busterb · 10-23-2004, 09:51 PM

New drugs for women
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go
to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to 6 hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding you of how awful they
were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment
of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for women. Increases
resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make
me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency, duration, and credit limit
of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who
can't remember your birthday, anniversary
or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides
the same irritation level as nagging him all
weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble
of doing it herself.

busterb · 10-26-2004, 10:48 PM

Slow to work, but I post & see.

footfootfoot · 11-09-2004, 08:49 PM

Two dutch girls are riding their bikes through the streets of Amsterdam, as it starts getting late they realize they are pretty far from home. Anxiously, one girl leans toward her friend and says:
"You know, I've never come this way before."

Her friend replies:
"It's the cobblestones."

footfootfoot · 11-09-2004, 08:59 PM

A blonde is driving her car and it just conks out. She calls the garage and they send someone over to look at it. The mechanic lokks under the hood for a while and fiddles around a bit, then starts the car.
"What's the deal with the car?" Asks the Blonde.

"Aw, just crap in the carburator." He says.

"Really? How often do I have to do that?"

404Error · 11-10-2004, 10:48 AM

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'".

wolf · 11-10-2004, 12:24 PM

Does that mean that we can tell the airplane joke and use the n-word too?

wolf · 11-10-2004, 12:42 PM

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners of war."

flippant · 11-10-2004, 12:53 PM

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.........

Let's go ride bikes!!

flippant · 11-10-2004, 01:18 PM

I'm a light bulb joke fan...........
How many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?........

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!

And.........
P.S. For the people that think I am Mari.....I now have undeniable proof I'm not!

Elspode · 11-10-2004, 01:41 PM

Well, I'm not one of those who necessarily think that you are Mari, but just for the sake of argument, what's the proof?

10-21-2004, 10:00 AM	#1
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog!" __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

10-21-2004, 05:37 PM	#2
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	NSFW There was a secret, surprise trial for Sadam Hussein today. The sentence.... Attached Images __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

10-22-2004, 09:16 PM	#3
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	AHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!! But he deserves it !!!!!! __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

10-22-2004, 09:27 PM	#4
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Corporate Lesson #6 In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. Moral of the story: It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

10-23-2004, 01:49 AM	#5
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone!" The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully. For the last time, I said ... BRING POSSE!" __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

10-23-2004, 09:51 PM	#6
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	New drugs for women D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to 6 hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

10-26-2004, 10:48 PM	#7
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Slow to work, but I post & see. Attached Images __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

11-09-2004, 08:49 PM	#8
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Two dutch girls are riding their bikes through the streets of Amsterdam, as it starts getting late they realize they are pretty far from home. Anxiously, one girl leans toward her friend and says: "You know, I've never come this way before." Her friend replies: "It's the cobblestones." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-09-2004, 08:59 PM	#9
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	A blonde is driving her car and it just conks out. She calls the garage and they send someone over to look at it. The mechanic lokks under the hood for a while and fiddles around a bit, then starts the car. "What's the deal with the car?" Asks the Blonde. "Aw, just crap in the carburator." He says. "Really? How often do I have to do that?" __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-10-2004, 10:48 AM	#10
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	Celebratory Lunch George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad." "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?" Bush answers, "How about a quickie?" Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'". __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

11-10-2004, 12:24 PM	#11
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Does that mean that we can tell the airplane joke and use the n-word too? __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

11-10-2004, 12:42 PM	#12
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners of war." __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

11-10-2004, 12:53 PM	#13
flippant shameless....so stop trying so hard....-me Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Colorado location* Posts: 215	How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?......... Let's go ride bikes!! __________________ - I know we won't meet again in the season of blossoms, And I won't sit quietly by drunk in my chamber- YU HSUAN- CHI Ninth Century, CHANG' AN

11-10-2004, 01:18 PM	#14
flippant shameless....so stop trying so hard....-me Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Colorado location* Posts: 215	I'm a light bulb joke fan........... How many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?........ YOU DON'T KNOW YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! And......... P.S. For the people that think I am Mari.....I now have undeniable proof I'm not! __________________ - I know we won't meet again in the season of blossoms, And I won't sit quietly by drunk in my chamber- YU HSUAN- CHI Ninth Century, CHANG' AN

11-10-2004, 01:41 PM	#15
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Well, I'm not one of those who necessarily think that you are Mari, but just for the sake of argument, what's the proof? __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

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