Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 213

TheMercenary · 02-27-2010, 07:41 AM

that's funny as hell, thanks.

jujuwwhite · 02-27-2010, 09:45 PM

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH!!' after just a second or two the cries are repeated, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE, UGH!'

All night long, the cries are repeated over and over again with no hints of the second dwarf even being out of breath. 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO THREE, UGH!!, here I come again, ONE, TWO THREE, UGH!'

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first dwarf mutters, "it was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection!" The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the fucking bed!!"

classicman · 02-28-2010, 02:41 PM

Quote:

After being interviewed by the school administration,
the prospective teacher said: 'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior,
observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,
censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons,
wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,
raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship,
sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote,
balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior,
and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps,
and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language,
by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard,
a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile,
and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this and then you tell me:

I CAN'T PRAY?

Pie · 02-28-2010, 04:26 PM

Oh, she can pray. She just can't teach the kids to pray.

Tulip · 02-28-2010, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pie

Oh, she can pray. She just can't teach the kids to pray.

She can pray but not out loud.

Undertoad · 02-28-2010, 04:58 PM

It's not funny.

squirell nutkin · 02-28-2010, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

It's not funny.

Hey! Did I ever tell you about the time I helped slaughter a bunch of pigs..?

monster · 02-28-2010, 08:45 PM

In the UK, you can teach the kids to pray. You can also get paid much less. I suggest you count your blessings and STFU.

toranokaze · 03-01-2010, 07:34 AM

I thought it was funny

Flint · 03-01-2010, 12:38 PM

I helped a toranokaze slaughter his toranokazes, there were six of them. As each one was shot and had its throat slit, the other toranokazes came rushing over and lapped up the blood. Completely unconcerned that every 15 minutes their numbers dwindled by one. Even the last toranokaze was completely unconcerned.

This is not to say that I approve of mistreatment of toranokazes. I'm just saying that toranokazes aren't like people. At all.

SteveDallas · 03-01-2010, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flint

This is not to say that I approve of mistreatment of toranokazes. I'm just saying that toranokazes aren't like people. At all.

I think the most important consideration is how the toranokazes were going to be used. Taxidermy student practice? Food? Leather? Fur?

toranokaze · 04-05-2010, 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

I think the most important consideration is how the toranokazes were going to be used. Taxidermy student practice? Food? Leather? Fur?

I'm not rated for human consumption, it says so on the label.

xoxoxoBruce · 04-07-2010, 02:36 PM

One fine, sunny day, a rabbit sat outside his burrow, typing on his laptop. Along came a fox, out for a walk.
"What are you working on, Rabbit?" asked the fox.
"My thesis," said the rabbit.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the fox.
"It's about how rabbits eat foxes," replied the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the fox. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Soon, a wolf came along. "What are you working on, Rabbit?"
"My thesis," the rabbit replied.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the wolf.
"It's about how rabbits eat wolves," said the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the wolf. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat wolves."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit calmly. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Meanwhile, inside the rabbit's burrow there was a pile of fox bones and a pile of wolf bones -- and a lion picking his teeth.

The Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor!

xoxoxoBruce · 04-07-2010, 11:46 PM

classicman · 03-01-2010, 12:41 PM

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

02-27-2010, 09:45 PM	#2
jujuwwhite Capnhowdy's #1 smasher Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rentz, GA Posts: 339	Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH!!' after just a second or two the cries are repeated, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE, UGH!' All night long, the cries are repeated over and over again with no hints of the second dwarf even being out of breath. 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO THREE, UGH!!, here I come again, ONE, TWO THREE, UGH!' In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first dwarf mutters, "it was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection!" The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the fucking bed!!" __________________ I don't suffer from insanity...i enjoy every moment of it.

02-28-2010, 04:26 PM	#4
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Oh, she can pray. She just can't teach the kids to pray. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

02-28-2010, 08:45 PM	#8
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	In the UK, you can teach the kids to pray. You can also get paid much less. I suggest you count your blessings and STFU. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-01-2010, 07:34 AM	#9
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	I thought it was funny __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

03-01-2010, 12:38 PM	#10
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	I helped a toranokaze slaughter his toranokazes, there were six of them. As each one was shot and had its throat slit, the other toranokazes came rushing over and lapped up the blood. Completely unconcerned that every 15 minutes their numbers dwindled by one. Even the last toranokaze was completely unconcerned. This is not to say that I approve of mistreatment of toranokazes. I'm just saying that toranokazes aren't like people. At all. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

02-27-2010, 07:41 AM	#1
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	that's funny as hell, thanks.

02-28-2010, 04:58 PM	#6
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	It's not funny.

04-07-2010, 02:36 PM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	One fine, sunny day, a rabbit sat outside his burrow, typing on his laptop. Along came a fox, out for a walk. "What are you working on, Rabbit?" asked the fox. "My thesis," said the rabbit. "Hmm. What's it about?" asked the fox. "It's about how rabbits eat foxes," replied the rabbit. "That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the fox. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes." "Sure they do," said the rabbit. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow." They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing. Soon, a wolf came along. "What are you working on, Rabbit?" "My thesis," the rabbit replied. "Hmm. What's it about?" asked the wolf. "It's about how rabbits eat wolves," said the rabbit. "That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the wolf. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat wolves." "Sure they do," said the rabbit calmly. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow." They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing. Meanwhile, inside the rabbit's burrow there was a pile of fox bones and a pile of wolf bones -- and a lion picking his teeth. The Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor! __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

04-07-2010, 11:46 PM	#14
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-01-2010, 12:41 PM	#15
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	MY PRIVATE PART DIED An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

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