Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 192

lumberjim · 10-15-2009, 10:43 AM

I dunno..for me.....the politicalization of an old joke robs all of the humor out of it.

Radar · 10-15-2009, 02:49 PM

Much funnier.

Elspode · 10-15-2009, 11:15 PM

The Republican version:

Health Care Reform Will Limit Profits -

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones' transcriptionist, Sanjai calling you from Bombay. When your husband's LPN sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband, because you don't have insurance. Frankly, since we aren't likely to get paid the $750 we charge for this simple analysis, we could care less, but there's still some stupid rules in your country about procedures, so I am authorized to give you this advice."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which, but either way, your husband is pretty much fucked. I mean, unless you have a lot of assets you can liquidate. Stocks, real estate, your home, those sorts of things?"

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but I'm going to need a credit card number on file, and there will be an additional charge plus a substantial service fee added on since we're doing the test more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"Frankly, we could care less unless there's money to be made. Now, will that be Mastercard or Visa?"

Pie · 10-15-2009, 11:45 PM

xoxoxoBruce · 10-16-2009, 12:11 AM

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.”
The guy paled. “If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?”
“Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week…. from my dog’s vet.”

monster · 11-17-2009, 08:49 PM

what Bruce said

Trilby · 10-16-2009, 07:39 AM

No shit, Sure Lock!

Clodfobble · 10-18-2009, 03:34 PM

True story:

Today, I heard an educated, middle-class man I know say the following:

"There is just so much suffering going on in these Third World countries, and you know, honestly, even the two-thirds countries are having a tough time..."

I'm so blessed to live in the 3/3rds World. USA #1! Nyuck nyuck nyuck...

skysidhe · 10-20-2009, 08:57 AM

funny

Radar · 10-27-2009, 01:11 PM

Thanks Sheldonrs.

classicman · 10-29-2009, 08:01 AM

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

.

TheMercenary · 10-29-2009, 09:23 AM

HALLOWEEN COSTUME

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.

The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

spudcon · 10-29-2009, 12:24 PM

How to keep up with the Jones' this Christmas.

spudcon · 10-29-2009, 12:26 PM

Crime prevention.

lumberjim · 10-29-2009, 12:55 PM

priest and a rabbi sitting on a park bench......young innocent looking boy walks past in short pants.

The Priest mutters, "forgive me lord, but I want to fuck him" The rabbi overhears him and asks, "out of what?"

10-15-2009, 02:49 PM	#2
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Much funnier. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

10-15-2009, 11:15 PM	#3
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	The Republican version: Health Care Reform Will Limit Profits - The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?" "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones' transcriptionist, Sanjai calling you from Bombay. When your husband's LPN sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband, because you don't have insurance. Frankly, since we aren't likely to get paid the $750 we charge for this simple analysis, we could care less, but there's still some stupid rules in your country about procedures, so I am authorized to give you this advice." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which, but either way, your husband is pretty much fucked. I mean, unless you have a lot of assets you can liquidate. Stocks, real estate, your home, those sorts of things?" "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders. "Normally we can, but I'm going to need a credit card number on file, and there will be an additional charge plus a substantial service fee added on since we're doing the test more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "Frankly, we could care less unless there's money to be made. Now, will that be Mastercard or Visa?" __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

10-15-2009, 11:45 PM	#4
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	__________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

10-16-2009, 12:11 AM	#5
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	THIS IS NOT THE POLITICS THREAD, PEOPLE. A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.” The guy paled. “If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?” “Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week…. from my dog’s vet.” __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-17-2009, 08:49 PM	#6
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	FFS what Bruce said Attached Images __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

10-15-2009, 10:43 AM	#1
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	I dunno..for me.....the politicalization of an old joke robs all of the humor out of it. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-16-2009, 07:39 AM	#7
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	No shit, Sure Lock! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

10-18-2009, 03:34 PM	#8
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	True story: Today, I heard an educated, middle-class man I know say the following: "There is just so much suffering going on in these Third World countries, and you know, honestly, even the two-thirds countries are having a tough time..." I'm so blessed to live in the 3/3rds World. USA #1! Nyuck nyuck nyuck... __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

10-20-2009, 08:57 AM	#9
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	funny Attached Images

10-27-2009, 01:11 PM	#10
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Thanks Sheldonrs. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

10-29-2009, 08:01 AM	#11
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Priest and Rabbi on Temptation A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.” The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?” . __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-29-2009, 09:23 AM	#12
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	HALLOWEEN COSTUME A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-29-2009, 12:24 PM	#13
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	How to keep up with the Jones' this Christmas. Attached Images __________________ "I believe that being despised by the despicable is as good as being admired by the admirable."

10-29-2009, 12:26 PM	#14
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	Crime prevention. Attached Images __________________ "I believe that being despised by the despicable is as good as being admired by the admirable."

10-29-2009, 12:55 PM	#15
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	priest and a rabbi sitting on a park bench......young innocent looking boy walks past in short pants. The Priest mutters, "forgive me lord, but I want to fuck him" The rabbi overhears him and asks, "out of what?" __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 6 (0 members and 6 guests)