Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 169

jinx · 03-20-2009, 09:38 AM

The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

capnhowdy · 03-20-2009, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx

The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

I have to admit.... I checked my thumb.

Pie · 03-20-2009, 11:41 PM

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked.

He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.''

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

Nirvana · 03-23-2009, 08:02 PM

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b****** should remember fairies are female...

SteveDallas · 03-23-2009, 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b****** should remember fairies are female...

I've been acquainted with more than one male fairy.

Nirvana · 03-23-2009, 10:42 PM

Are ya now?

Sheldonrs · 03-24-2009, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

I've been acquainted with more than one male fairy.

And I've fucked 'em.

monster · 03-23-2009, 08:24 PM

haha

Nirvana · 03-23-2009, 10:14 PM

A fire fighter is
working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl
next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden
hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being

pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer
look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck' he said with admiration.

'Thanks' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little

closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the
cat's testicles.

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you

how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar
instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren!!!'

lumberjim · 03-23-2009, 11:09 PM

probably bad timing.....but current events remind me of this one:

newspaper head line in Poland today:

Plane Crashes in Graveyard:

All 20 passengers and crew dead at scene. Rescue team recovers 115 bodies/

Nirvana · 03-24-2009, 10:09 AM

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.

skysidhe · 03-24-2009, 10:17 AM

http://www.berro.com/_images_3/tweet...y%20prayer.jpg

DanaC · 03-24-2009, 07:37 PM

lol lj.

glatt · 03-25-2009, 02:04 PM

Question: What did the cowboy say to the car salesman?

Answer: "Audi."

(I never said it was good.)

Sheldonrs · 04-07-2009, 08:19 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRj-S8Aklcw

03-20-2009, 09:38 AM	#1
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	The Human Body It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

03-20-2009, 11:41 PM	#3
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. ''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.'' Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.'' The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.''' __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

03-23-2009, 08:02 PM	#4
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b****** should remember fairies are female... __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-23-2009, 10:42 PM	#6
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Are ya now? __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-23-2009, 08:24 PM	#8
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	haha __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-23-2009, 10:14 PM	#9
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck' he said with admiration. 'Thanks' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster.' The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!!!' __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-23-2009, 11:09 PM	#10
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	probably bad timing.....but current events remind me of this one: newspaper head line in Poland today: Plane Crashes in Graveyard: All 20 passengers and crew dead at scene. Rescue team recovers 115 bodies/ __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-24-2009, 10:09 AM	#11
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Sex in the Dark There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-24-2009, 10:17 AM	#12
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	http://www.berro.com/_images_3/tweet...y%20prayer.jpg

03-24-2009, 07:37 PM	#13
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	lol lj.

03-25-2009, 02:04 PM	#14
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Question: What did the cowboy say to the car salesman? Answer: "Audi." (I never said it was good.)

04-07-2009, 08:19 PM	#15
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	Sick, twisted and soooo me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRj-S8Aklcw __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

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