Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 168

SteveDallas · 03-12-2009, 02:49 PM

Aliantha · 03-12-2009, 11:57 PM

Three women die together in an accident and
go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have
one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are
ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one..

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck!'

xoxoxoBruce · 03-13-2009, 01:45 AM

The old Indian wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?”

“Make jewelry and sell it,” was the response.
“What have you got for collateral?”
“Don’t know collateral.”
“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?”
“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”
The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”
“Yes, I have a horse.”
“How old is it?”
“Don’t know, has no teeth.”
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”
“Put in tepee.”
“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.
“Don’t know deposit.”
“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”
The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for collateral?”

xoxoxoBruce · 03-13-2009, 01:46 AM

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!
The other flea asks him, “What the hell happened to you?”
The first flea says, “I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”
The other flea tells him, “That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do: Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by, and when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death!
The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”
Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said: I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to a warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.”
“Well then, what happened?” the first flea asked.
“When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!”

Clodfobble · 03-13-2009, 10:37 AM

Wow, what a flashback... I remember hearing that joke when I was in elementary school--except it was Dolly Parton's underwear, and Willie Nelson's beard.

Sheldonrs · 03-13-2009, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

Wow, what a flashback... I remember hearing that joke when I was in elementary school--except it was Dolly Parton's underwear, and Willie Nelson's beard.

Oh well, I guess I won't be getting any sleep tonight. Thanks for the visual.

classicman · 03-16-2009, 08:24 AM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowe d of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba."

jester · 03-16-2009, 10:44 AM

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence

jester · 03-16-2009, 10:46 AM

She was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

jester · 03-16-2009, 10:48 AM

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole
replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'

classicman · 03-18-2009, 07:53 PM

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.
The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters while the hunters are afield.
What a lady!

jester · 03-19-2009, 08:11 AM

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a Stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at Midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed And he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through The door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm Not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was Told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay Of execution after all. Wright would not behanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Shawnee123 · 03-19-2009, 08:30 AM

lol, jester!

Pie · 03-19-2009, 08:56 AM

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,

"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Nirvana · 03-19-2009, 12:58 PM

Murphy showed up at Mass at a one Sunday, and the
priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy
had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest
caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided
to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.

A while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really,
really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat,

and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also knew
that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would
leave it in the back of church.

So, I was going to leave after Communion
and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that
you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest
gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt
Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn
in Hell,right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I
left me hat."

03-12-2009, 02:49 PM	#1
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	http://cowbirdsinlove.com/46

03-12-2009, 11:57 PM	#2
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!' __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

03-13-2009, 01:45 AM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	The old Indian wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?” “Make jewelry and sell it,” was the response. “What have you got for collateral?” “Don’t know collateral.” “Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?” “Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.” The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?” “Yes, I have a horse.” “How old is it?” “Don’t know, has no teeth.” Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off. “What are you going to do with the rest of that money?” “Put in tepee.” “Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked. “Don’t know deposit.” “You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.” The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for collateral?” __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-13-2009, 01:46 AM	#4
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asks him, “What the hell happened to you?” The first flea says, “I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.” The other flea tells him, “That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do: Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.” The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by, and when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death! The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?” Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said: I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to a warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.” “Well then, what happened?” the first flea asked. “When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!” __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-13-2009, 10:37 AM	#5
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	Wow, what a flashback... I remember hearing that joke when I was in elementary school--except it was Dolly Parton's underwear, and Willie Nelson's beard. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

03-16-2009, 08:24 AM	#7
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowe d of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

03-16-2009, 10:44 AM	#8
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman. 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence

03-16-2009, 10:46 AM	#9
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	She was standing in the kitchen Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or This is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

03-16-2009, 10:48 AM	#10
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow. When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?' Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?' Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'

03-18-2009, 07:53 PM	#11
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that. The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up. For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them. Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters while the hunters are afield. What a lady! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

03-19-2009, 08:11 AM	#12
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a Stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at Midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed And he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through The door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm Not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was Told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay Of execution after all. Wright would not behanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

03-19-2009, 08:30 AM	#13
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	lol, jester! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-19-2009, 08:56 AM	#14
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

03-19-2009, 12:58 PM	#15
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Murphy showed up at Mass at a one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell,right?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

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