God Bless the Customers

[elSicomoro]

At age 26, I have been in the customer service industry for 10 years, 4 of those years in management...across all spectrums (retail, call center, mail center, internet, face-to-face). And while I love to help customers, that thing about the customer always being right is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard in my life. But in working for the insurance industry for the past 5 months, I have seen the customer reach new heights. And although some of what's here may be harsh, from what I saw, I was one of the more lenient and friendly supervisors.

Unfortunately, kismet (?) got shit-canned by his job for posting funny customer-related issues on here earlier in the year. They WERE funny though. I have some good ones too...and now I'm no longer employed. Of course, no names of customers or wireless carriers will be used.

A pissed off customer, upon finding out where our company is based: "Oh, you're in Philadelphia. NOW it makes sense!" (What the fuck does that mean?! If anything, the fact that our company is based in Philadelphia should make people think that all Philadelphians are mean as hell and will kick your pathetic ass if you look the wrong way.)

"I will send you a bill for my time." (Well, that's awfully nice, given that you're a moron that doesn't know how to follow directions, thereby setting your ass up for failure.)

A customer in tears over the fact that her claim has been in review for 3 months: "Please...PLEASE..make this go away!" (Damn, I hate to hear a woman cry. Even though it was completely her fault, I still felt bad for her.)

A customer, upon hearing that his claim has been denied for mechanical failure (which is not covered under one carrier's policy): "Okay then, just say that I dropped the phone."

Syc: "Sir, we can't do that. That's called insurance fraud."

Customer: "Look, what's it gonna take to get me a new phone?"

(Some folks just don't get it.)

"I'm going to sue you for lost wages." (Look, you're not going to get shit out of me. Don't get pissy mad at me because you forgot to read the exclusions in your policy.)

Another customer, whose claim was denied: "Okay, well, I'm going to submit this Proof of Loss (a form that is required for review claims) and call back." (A rep had accidentally sent the form, but it turns out that the customer's claim wasn't covered, so I had to handle the denial.)

Syc: "Sir, we're not going to be able to cover your claim. We can't send you a replacement phone."

Customer: "Yes you will."

Syc: "No we won't sir. Your claim is denied."

Customer: "No it is NOT. MY CLAIM IS NOT DENIED!"

(Ummm...lessee, I clicked the button on our claim system that says "Deny." Based upon the info given, the claim cannot be covered, so yes you stupid fuck, your claim IS denied!)

And now, for some of my personal favorite lines I've given to customers:

Another customer, in review: "Sir, no offense, but if you would've filled out the form correctly in the first place, we wouldn't have this problem."

To a carrier, who screwed up their customer's enrollment information, causing the customer's claim to be denied: "I'm sorry sir, but (insert carrier name here) is going to have to eat that claim."

Any customer that starts cussing: "Now sir, if you're going to use abusive language, I'm going to put you on hold until you calm down."

Customer: "Fuck you--"

Syc: *hits hold button*

Sycamore practices empathy: "Sir, I understand, but--"

Customer: "No, don't feed me that bullshit!"

More empathy: "Sir, if I could do that for you, I certainly would, but--"

Customer: "No, you can do it. You just don't WANT to." (Now look damnit! It's not like we're in a store here. If I can't do it, I can't do it. It's called insurance regulations you turd!)

A customer, who wants an upgrade or compensation b/c of some sort of delay, and is insisting on it: "Sir, you have to understand. We're an insurance company. It's not like we can make it up to you if we screw up. All I can do is sincerely apologize and try to make it right the next time." (Which, unfortunately, is the truth.)

*customer grumbles and hangs up the phone*

Never a dull moment.

[Griff]

You know theres a book in there somewhere.

[Chewbaccus]

You want a good customer story? Here's one.

I'm behind the counter at Borders, it's near closing time, and this super-stereotypical Pittsburgher ("yunzer" for short) walks in. For those that don't know, Yunzers are cousins to the Rednecks that propogate the South. The current theory is that a platoon of said Rednecks crossed the Mason-Dixon line during the Civil War, occupied a few towns outside the city limits, and began a slow campaign of expansion, involving capturing the city as a whole and developing a freakish tolerance to bitter cold and random weather patterns. But I digress.

So, he walks in, and looks at me. There's two other people up there, but he picks me. He walks up, stand in front of me, drops his forearms on the counter and leans in toward me. And then, he utters words that I'll never forget:

"Yunz got books 'n'at? (note that 'n'at is pronounced IN-AT)

A Borders. He asks this, at the register, in a BORDERS.

You have NO CLUE the temptation I had to tell him "Sorry pal, we only sell CDs and overpriced coffee. Try Suncoast in the mall."

(sigh)...I'm amazed I haven't been driven to drinking.

~mike

[elSicomoro]

Griff, that is sheer inspiration.

From December 2000 to June of this year, I worked for CVS (a large drugstore chain). I worked at 4 different stores, the last one being at 2nd and Lombard in Society Hill. (Non-Philadelphians: Picture an older neighborhood with historic homes, narrow streets, and specialty shops...and yuppies. Also, the store is off South St., home to lots of bars and eclectic shops.)

We closed at 9pm each night...it's about 10 after 9 and I'm pulling our gate down (one of those security type gates that you see at mall stores before they open). As I'm walking back into the store (I'm in the vestibule of the store at this point), this guy comes up to the door and starts banging on it.

Person: "Sir, you gotta let me in!"

Syc: "Sir, we closed 10 minutes ago."

Person: "I know, but I need to buy a pacifier for kid...he's crying, and..."

Syc: "Sir, unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to ring you up. I have no register available."

Person: "I'll pay you cash. I'll give you $10!" (A pacifier is only about $3 or $4.)

Syc: "Sir, I'm sorry...we're closed."

Person: *Beats on door really hard* "Thanks a lot you fucking son of a bitch!" *customer walks away*

--

While living in Washington, DC, I worked for a direct marketing company that sold diploma frames and bed linens to college students. In February 2000, we had a nasty snowstorm that dumped about a foot of snow on the area. At the time, our warehouse was in Columbia, MD (between Washington and Baltimore), and so it was shutdown for 2 days. Two days later, a customer calls. Apparently, the customer had already called, had been waiting for delivery of her frame, and had accidentally been disconnected:

Customer: *sarcastic* "Yeah, some guy named Saul (the rep's name was actually Sal) fed me some cockamimie story about how your shipments were delayed because of some snowstorm!"

Syc: "Yes ma'am, unfortunately, we got about 12 inches of snow in the Washington, DC area, and it shut our warehouse near Baltimore down for 2 days."

Customer: *caught off guard* "Oh..."

--

This just happened Tuesday. A customer had filed a claim with us in August, but apparently gave us the wrong mobile # for the claim. This wound up turning another one of the customer's phones off. Apparently, the customer got the problem straightened out with their carrier, but we never heard about it. So, they filed a claim with us this week, and it was for the mobile # that was originally (and incorrectly) claimed. Bottom line: It looked like the customer was trying to claim their phone for a second time, which of course, doesn't fly. It resulted in an automatic denial.

Customer: *furious* "Look, you guys screwed up the first time. (Insert carrier name here) screwed this up and it took me forever to straighten it out!" (Sometimes, the customers think that we are their carrier, which of course, is not the case. In addition, the customer is the one that gives us the mobile #. That's how we look up their insurance information. Bottom line, he's trying to find someone to blame.)

Syc: *trying to be as polite as possible, b/c of what I'm about to say* "Sir, I'm not sure whether we or (insert carrier name here) made the error, but it is quite possible that you may have given us the wrong mobile # on the first claim."

Customer: *even more mad* "WHAT?!"

Syc: "Well sir, we ask for the mobile # of the phone a person is claiming, which we can only get from the customer."

Customer: *begins a vicious tirade*

Syc: *thinking to himself* "Okay, maybe that wasn't such a great idea." (The only reason I suggested this was b/c, well, quite frankly, he was trying to pin blame on us and his carrier unfairly. No way I was going to let him do either, to get us and the carrier mad at each other.)

--

Fun rationale I used during this past week, with any irate customer that did it (and there were several):

Customer: "Let me speak to YOUR boss!"

Syc: *handling these situations as I normally do* "I'm sorry sir/ma'am, there is no other supervisor available for this situation."

Customer: "Well, you HAVE to have a boss!"

Syc: "I do...and unfortunately, he will not be in the office again until the 26th." (My boss was on vacation this past week.)

Customer would then either let it go, or hang up.

What I should have said is, "Look, I am not going to waste my boss's time with your whiny-baby bullshit. I AM a supervisor, you fucking tool! The rep told you what the status was, I told what the status was, my boss is going to tell you the same damned thing. Now shut the fuck up and deal!"

--

A customer, upon getting a claim delayed or denied (and I just LOVE this one): "Look, I'm a preferred customer of (insert carrier name here). I spend (insert amount) dollars on this phone every month. I am currently losing (insert amount) dollars a day without my phone! I cannot go (insert numerical range here, depending on the situation) days without my phone!"

Syc: "Sir, that may very well be the case, but unfortunately, there are rules and regulations that we must adhere to, and are bound to by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. We don't play favorites with any customer. Everyone is treated the same." (Which, amazingly, is the truth.)

What I should have said: "Look asshole, if you make so much money, then you might as well just go out and buy a new phone, rather than pay $35 for a refurbished phone."

--
I think this could be my calling...or that spark that finally gets me into the door of the writing world...heh.

[elSicomoro]

*Mike shares a funny story that makes Sycamore laugh.*

What you also could have said: "Damn, the inbreeding has gotten that bad, huh?"

Sadly though, I KNOW of people that were driven to drinking while working for CVS. That shit is not worth it. If you are driven to drinking by a job, fuck it...quit.

Although, I sympathize. Working at the 19th and Chestnut store in Center City Philadelphia (which is the busiest store in the company, out of 4500 stores) made me want to drink too...that, or taste some gunmetal. Thankfully, I was only at that store for 2 months.

[elSicomoro]

Incident #1: I used to work at the CVS on Bustleton and Haldeman Aves. in NE Philadelphia for about a month. One day in June, I happened to stop by there on the way home (it's the closest one to my home) to pick up a few things and see some old friends. This was right after I left the company...and I had a tie on b/c I had just had an interview for a job earlier that day. Well, that's what the managers wear as standard attire in the stores. So, a customer happens to come up and ask me where something is. I guide her over to the particular aisle, while current employees at the store laugh and Rho shakes her head.

Incident #2: I was up at the CVS on Bustleton and County Line Rd. last week, picking up some of Rho's prescriptions (since they're open 24 hours there). The pharmacist was trying to ring up the prescriptions, but the bar codes weren't scanning, b/c some dipshit didn't change the ink cartridge in the printer...the bar codes were printing too light.

Rx: *getting frustrated* "Man...I might have to call the manager here."

Syc: "Just type in the prescription # and hit the Rx key, then it'll ask you to enter the price." (Which is the proper way to enter a Rx when it will not scan.)

*Pharmacist does as Sycamore says...it works like a champ*

Rx: "Man, nice call! Thanks!"

Syc: "Well, 6 months of working here wasn't wasted after all."

[MaggieL]

Originally posted by Griff
You know theres a book in there somewhere.

Having done high-priced geekly customer service for corporate programmers whose companies licenced expensive software, I've heard a few too. And thet *is* a book; it's called "Tales from the Tech Line"...it starts with the guy who thought his CD-ROM reader was a cup holder and goes downhill from there.

L:ike the guy who kept geting the message "ERROR: TYPE 38", but no matter how many times he typed "38" on his keyboard it never seened to help...

[Chewbaccus]

My brother is working on a book, actually. He works for ThePittsburghChannel.com, the website fo ABC's affiliate in Pittsburgh. For the past few years, he's been saving all the e-mails from yunzers technically proficient to send them with plans on publishing them. It will be good.

But, you want good stories? The best stories come from my first job, working at a Pizza Outlet (or as the people we delivered to referred to it, the "Pizzer Ortlet"). Remember the Confederate platoon that marched north, captured a few towns around Pittsburgh? One of those towns was the center of our delivery area, and it was my job to work the phones and take orders.

Story #1:

Mike: *picks up phone* "Hello, thank you for calling Pizza Outlet, my name is Mike, how can I help you?"

Cust #1: "Yeah, do yunz deliver lasagna?"

Me: (after a split-second pause) "No, no we don't sir."

Cust #1: "Oh. Alright then."

Customer hangs up, I tell of what happened, all have good laugh, phone rings again.

Me: *repeats greeting spiel*

Cust #2: "Yeah, mah husband jes called 'ere, and said you don't deliver lasagna!"

Me: "That's right, we don't."

Cust #2: "WHY DON'T YOU DELIVER LASAGNA?!?!?!"

Me: "Because we don't make it." (this is in the most inflectionless voice EVER. I mean super-deadpan)

Cust #2: "Oh...okay." *hangs up*


Story #2

Me: *intro spiel*

Cust: "Hi, can I get a pepperoni pizza, with half pepperoni?"

Me: "Wait. You want a pizza with all pepperoni, or half pepperoni?"

Cust: "No, I want a regular pepperoni pizza, but with half the pepperoni on the side."

Me: "...on the side?"

Cust: "Yeah, like maybe in a little cup?"

Apparently, it's store policy to kowtow to insane special orders, because the manager approved it. But, I got these all the time. Give me some time, I'll remember them all.

~mike

[elSicomoro]

In my last job, I actually didn't deal with customers. Rather, I processed "Illness or Injury Inquiry" forms. So, if you got hurt, and your doctor bills exceeded a certain amount, you would receive one of these forms. The purpose was to determine whether someone else was responsible for paying the bill (i.e. an auto accident, a school accident, etc.).

The form is super simple, easy to fill out. So, let's say I have a disc disorder, I might say something like, "I noticed some lower back pain about 2 months ago. After tests, it was revealed that I had dislocated my C-4 disc. I am unaware as to how this occurred." See...easy.

But...what you notice in these forms is:

--How incredibly bad some folks' handwriting is.

--How the spelling of some folks makes Jag look like the Spelling Bee winner. Examples:

sirvical
kyropracter

--The responses:

"Please pay this bill! My bills are now going to collections!" (If you don't fill the form out initially, they won't pay your claim.)

"I don't understand why I had to fill this form out. There was no accident and I'm not suing anybody!"

"No one else was responsible. It was my own stupid fault."

"I'm just getting old."

"There was no injury. I fell down the steps. I was diagnosed with a broken fibula."

"I have no intention of hiring an attorney unless you don't pay my bill." (One of the questions on the form is, 'Do you plan to hire an attorney?')

"sdafhslhfasf" (No, they don't actually write this. But Amerihealth handles Israel's social insurance system. Some of the forms come back in Hebrew.)

I won't miss them. Trying to read some of them hurt my eyes.

[Chewbaccus]

Register War Journal Entry #325:

We're having a bargain sale. All the piddly-ass crap that we've been selling for navel lint is now 75% off. Further, we've tacked another 10% onto already-discounted things n a vain effort to mystify the customers into coming back by the smell of Blackberry Mountain "coffee".

Customer comes up to my register with stack of mechandise, one of which being the was-30-now-40%-off items. I ring him up, give him the total, and this follow:

************************

Customer: Nonononono. (gives a wierd hybrid of tsk-tsk and clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth) This one here's 40% off, sonny boy. (he said "sonny boy". This cemented him on my hate list.)

Me: I know. It came up like that. (I show him my monitor)

Customer: Ohhhhh, my. Here. (extends his arm, bares his wrist) Slap it.

Me: ...

************************

The man would not retreat. He refused to proceed along with the transaction until I at least tapped him on the wrist.

Why Lord? Why me? This never happens to the other regiserfs. You would know that. As would I, because they would bitch to me about it.

~mike

[Griff]

So its a quiet day in the bike shop, early spring so we don't even have our new stock yet. I'm reading the Velonews, got a beer stashed under the counter. The customer marches in wearing some kind of outdoorsman ensemble including carabiners dangling from his backpack.

Griff Good afternoon, can I help you find something.

Outdoor Man What do you have in aluminum? very loud very brusque

Griff Just that GT mountain bike frame hanging over your head there.

Outdoor Man What are you a fcking imbecile!!!!????

Griff The truck with our new bikes'll be in later this week, we'll have them built by Saturday. approaching customer considering whether or not the dumpster is too full to stuff a body in

Outdoor Man F:0ck you! You GD asshole. slams his way out the door

After all this time, I finally figured out the deal.... He was looking for cans.

[MaggieL]

Originally posted by Chewbaccus

The man would not retreat. He refused to proceed along with the transaction until I at least tapped him on the wrist. Why Lord? Why me?

Maybe he really, really liked you.

[elSicomoro]

Mike: I assume everything is copacetic at B&N, now?

Maybe that guy was a submissive. *shrugs*

[Chewbaccus]

How many of you ever worked retail? Raise your hands. (menace)Raise 'em...(/menace) Good.

Now, how many of you have served customers who insist on calling you by your first name because you wear a name tag?

I hate those people. As if because company policy dictates that I wear a hunk of plastic with my name emblazoned upon it, we're on a first-name basis. I can't wait until my last day, just so I encounter one of these people and enact the following:

********************
Customer: How's it goin' Mikey? (I pray it's a Mikey person. Those are the recipients of my creme-de-la-creme hatred. For the others, go here. My parts of the list are from the third one down.)

Me: Not too shabby, Asshole I'll Never See Again.

********************

Now, I know that there are people out there who decide they want to make the world a more personable place, like life was in the suburbs from circa 1950 to, in occasional places, now. To you I say, go away. The world is a frighteningly large place, and you are deceptively insignificant. And as the last wisps of steam have vented, I bid you all farewell.

~mike

[juju]

I used to work at Hastings, which is a book/music/video/software chain in the south. Anyway, there was one customer who was angry over late fees he had accrued for an overdue movie.

Before he went to leave, he extended his hand to the manager in apology. When the manager shook his hand, he gripped it so the manager couldn't let go, and then started saying a bunch of shit in Latin. He then declared that the manager and everyone else at the store 'was now cursed', and that he hoped we got what we deserved.