Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 182

classicman · 05-27-2009, 02:40 PM

Actual Passport letter to the passport office:

Dear Sir:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!

SHIT!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed of this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my addre ss??? What is going on???

You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!!!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that'd be too darn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile? (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!!!!

Signed - An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security 2-0 clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who

Pie · 05-27-2009, 04:19 PM

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

A: Their middle name.

Aliantha · 05-27-2009, 06:19 PM

I thought this was pretty funny

Name: whipped.jpg
Views: 668
Size: 45.6 KB

Nirvana · 05-27-2009, 07:27 PM

capnhowdy · 05-27-2009, 07:47 PM

Ali
that was funny as hell to me too.

thanks

SteveDallas · 05-27-2009, 07:58 PM

I like how the stick figure in the upper right hand corner is just handing over his cash. (At least that's what it looks like.)

capnhowdy · 05-27-2009, 08:00 PM

Damn good eye, Steve.

monster · 05-27-2009, 09:38 PM

We tend to recognize the familiar....

Nirvana · 05-27-2009, 11:06 PM

Nirvana · 05-28-2009, 08:52 AM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter..
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

SteveDallas · 05-28-2009, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

I like how the stick figure in the upper right hand corner is just handing over his cash. (At least that's what it looks like.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

Damn good eye, Steve.

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

We tend to recognize the familiar....

Well, I wondered what he was doing like that... at first I thought.. no, no way.. I had to look and figure it out.

capnhowdy · 05-28-2009, 07:20 PM

He's actually CRAWLING up to give it to her. What a goddam.....humph uhh.... errrr, GREAT guy..errr I mean husba.....ahhh... I uhhh.... PROVIDER?

capnhowdy · 05-28-2009, 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter..
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Good joke. I will use that tomorrow at the Lodge.

Nirvana · 05-29-2009, 10:57 AM

How To Stop A Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her
extra curricular activities , but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she
accused Frank, a new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon. .

She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
that every one seeing it there
EVERYONE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank , a man of few words,
stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..

Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house ...
walked home
.... . .and left it there all night !!!
(You gotta love Frank !)

toranokaze · 05-30-2009, 03:35 AM

Game set and match

05-27-2009, 02:40 PM	#2716
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Actual Passport letter to the passport office: Dear Sir: I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!! SHIT!!!! I apologize, I'm really pissed of this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my addre ss??? What is going on??? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!!! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that'd be too darn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile? (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!!!! Signed - An Irate Citizen P.S. Remember what I said about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security 2-0 clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA! Sincerely, You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

05-27-2009, 04:19 PM	#2717
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? A: Their middle name. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

05-27-2009, 06:19 PM	#2718
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I thought this was pretty funny __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

05-27-2009, 07:27 PM	#2719
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	__________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

05-27-2009, 07:47 PM	#2720
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Ali that was funny as hell to me too. thanks __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

05-27-2009, 07:58 PM	#2721
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	I like how the stick figure in the upper right hand corner is just handing over his cash. (At least that's what it looks like.)

05-27-2009, 08:00 PM	#2722
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Damn good eye, Steve. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

05-27-2009, 09:38 PM	#2723
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	We tend to recognize the familiar.... __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

05-27-2009, 11:06 PM	#2724
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	__________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

05-28-2009, 08:52 AM	#2725
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

05-28-2009, 07:20 PM	#2727
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	He's actually CRAWLING up to give it to her. What a goddam.....humph uhh.... errrr, GREAT guy..errr I mean husba.....ahhh... I uhhh.... PROVIDER? __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

05-29-2009, 10:57 AM	#2729
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	How To Stop A Church Gossip Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities , but feared her Enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. . She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there EVERYONE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING ! Frank , a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... . .and left it there all night !!! (You gotta love Frank !) __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

05-30-2009, 03:35 AM	#2730
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	Game set and match __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

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