Creative Expression AWOL

[SteveDallas]

At risk of jacking your thread... did I ever lose the mojo? Let's flashback to a year ago . . .

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

I learned it's time to hang up my gig bag. I no longer have the edge I need to play.

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

It wasn't one off day, it was the culmination of a series of declining efforts, climaxing in the sloppiest performance I've given in about 15 years. When I keep practicing and it doesn't sound better, it's time to quit.

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

But unless something drastic happens I'm not likely to change my mind. It's completely irrational to expect that I play at the same level as in the late 1980s (when I was a full-time music student) but I've now fallen so short of that peak that I can't deal with it.

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

It might partially be motivation. It's likely a combination of a lot of things. It's like this: 3 years ago the orchestra I play in did a piece where I had a brutally difficult solo. I practiced it to death and then I played the hell out of it. This semester I had an equally difficult solo and I practiced it to death and I never did get it right. If it was an isolated incident I could (maybe) shrug it off but it's just another example of how I'm past my peak. I'd rather go out when I can still play.

Also, you're all very nice and encouraging, which I appreciate, don't get me wrong. But none of you have actually ever heard me play. For all you know I suck ass and I'd be doing the world a great favor if I set my horns on fire.

I'm still pretty unhappy with my playing, and considering it's a 45 minute drive each way to my orchestra rehearsal, I have a lot of incentive to quit. I haven't for mostly political reasons, and because the conductor programmed two of my favorite pieces of all time, including one that I literally thought I would never have a chance to play in my lifetime.

Anyway. In 20/20 hindsight, I believe this is the depression speaking. (Not motivated? Check. Blaming myself for things beyond my control? Check. Inability to enjoy things I used to like doing? Check.)


EDIT: I'm just explaining (maybe) me... not saying that's what's going on with you, Sun_Sparkz.