Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 5

lookout123 · 12-22-2005, 11:06 PM

thanks for the words Jim (and everyone else), but i won't be punching her anytime soon.

we have started counseling so we'll see where it goes. I performed a level III gutcheck and came to the conclusion that this woman and this marriage is something worth fighting for. I may be sitting at the keyboard in 4 days/weeks/months/years crying about my failed marriage but i can't focus on the maybe's. if i do, i will eventually be crying about the "what if's". emotionally she is screwed up right now, and that is putting me through the wringer - but the reality is that she just happens to be the most incredible person i've ever met and i absolutely meant it when i said "for better or worse". this is the "worse" part. (hopefully, we haven't been to the better part yet).

I cannot control her actions or decisions. i can control mine. she may still leave me and opt for divorce, but until that time i will love her the best that i can, i will be the best husband that i can, and i will try to push/pull/drag us through this mess. those are my choices and actions that i am in control of. it is my choice to send up the white flag and pack my bags, to be bitter and spiteful, or to continue to love her the only way i know how. if i loved her with all my heart two weeks ago, why should i change who i am and what i do, just because she is confused and depressed?

there have already been - and will be many more - great days and horrible days. i'm in for an emotional roller coaster ride, and i don't know where this one is going to end, but...

wish me luck, -i'm going in.

lookout123 · 12-27-2005, 06:05 PM

emotional rollercoaster? doesn't even begin to cover it.

my wife was a mature, responsible, loving, well adjusted mid 30's woman a month ago. i can't seem to find her now. mood swings, attitude swings, to the extreme. one moment she is talking about "us" in the context of the future, the next she expresses that she "can't see how we can ever make it work". her musical tastes have suddenly plunged into whiney wannabe mascara wearing crap like papa roach and their whoa-is-me depressed drivel.

it is like i've suddenly woken up with a 17 year old (not in a good way)

anybody see something like this before? isn't the mid-30's a little early for a midlife crisis?

depression seems fairly obvious to me, but what do you do when the depressed person doesn't believe they are? (and yes, i know that people can stop loving each other with being depressed)

Lynx · 12-31-2005, 06:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

anybody see something like this before? isn't the mid-30's a little early for a midlife crisis?

Wow... just Wow... I just couldn't help but post since my situation seems to have happened around the same time as yours. My wife is early 40's tho...

2 weeks before final exams, my wife exploded... about how maybe "we" should not be "we" anymore. why? That I'm not sure...

My wife also agreed to counseling, but I suspect she's just "going thru the motions" of it, due to some things she's said... maybe like a "cover your ass" thing. We have 2 kids, and she's specifically said to me that when she's leaves, the kids will stay with me, because they'll be better off that way. I don't currently have that deepest fear of losing my kids (yet, she could flip out and go back just as easily as these other flips)

She seems perfectly sane much of the time we're together, but when I go to work, she loses it. She calls me at work and starts talking about leaving me, or she'll be supremely pissed about something petty (like I didn't write down a phone message for her, when I TOLD her about the message instead)

I work in a callcenter overnight, so when we talk while I'm at work, I have to tell her "I gotta call" and hang up, and call her back when I'm done. Tonight this happened, and before I finished the call I was on, she leaves a message on my cell
"While your busy on another call, I'm going to call your mother and tell her I think she's crazy and a whore"
and she did! luckily my brother was there, and she ended up talking to him instead, but WTF??

this is friggin surreal.

Lynx · 12-31-2005, 06:47 AM

Can I get that link? I'm feeling the resonance...

12-31-2005, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynx

Can I get that link? I'm feeling the resonance...

Done! Don't mean to be overly mysterious, but since this is all pure conjecture on my part, I figure people may prefer to read it in private. WARNING! I am NOT a real doctor! LOL! Yes, let us hope Wolf weighs in with further suggestions, also. She DOES work in the field which I do not.

Alas, Foot to the third power, it is very hard to have someone committed against their will these days. You must prove that they are a danger to either themselves or others - a physical danger. Doesn't sound like Mrs. L would qualify.

zippyt · 12-23-2005, 12:00 AM

"For Better or Worse " ,,
Dude you taged it !!!
If she feel right to your gut then FIGHT to keep her ,
ANY WAY YOU HALF TO !!!!!

As many years as you guys have is NOT worth throwing away !!!!

Fight the GOOOD fight !!! ( it is worth the effort )

Take the high ground !!!! ( You are NOT as Petty as the shit she is bringing up!!! )

DON'T play HER game !! ( You are BETTER than THAT !!!!!!)

PROTECT the Young'en !!!!! ANY way you have to!!!!!!!!
She is unstable at this point!!!
You on the other hand are VERRRRRRY stable( good job , good rep , etc,,, ) , fighting the good fight , remaining CALM , being an ADULT . Looking at the BIG picture , What is BEST for the kid , and if the marrige survives all this fucked up stuff , well that is good as well , BUT the kid WILLLLLL be taken care of !!!

Just my call on things .

Best of luck to you ALL !!!!!

bluecuracao · 12-23-2005, 03:38 PM

Lookout, you are awesome. Your wife is extremely lucky to have a husband who loves her so much. I wish you the best with the counseling, and hope she is able to wake up from what ever she's going through and realize what she's got.

jaguar · 12-23-2005, 06:28 PM

damn, that's a man with his head screwed on right. I hope if i ever end up in a situation like that I think with that level of clarity.

zippyt · 12-27-2005, 08:09 PM

Get her to go to a DR , full blood and hormoan levels , etc,,,,,

Sounds weird but she MAY be haveing a reaction to some of the chem at work ????

12-27-2005, 08:40 PM

Lookout, I mentioned it before and I'll say it again. You said she had some substance abuse issues in the past. Her all over the map response sounds like she may be using again. Xanax, a common tranquilizer, can have the effect you describe when a person starts taking too much of it. Tylenol3 and Percocet, the same. Vicodin is nasty stuff, yet its surprising how many doc's will just write out a prescription for it. People with depression will sometimes self medicate with one substance or another. What bottles are in her medicine cabinet or purse?

lookout123 · 12-27-2005, 11:44 PM

it was cocaine in the old days. she doesn't have any of her old "tells" so i am fairly certain that is not the issue. the others don't really fit the situation well.

one of her sisters has been diagnosed and prescribed for chemical imbalance issues, the other has the same issues, but undiagnosed. (or so the family whispers) we don't live anywhere near them though, so i don't know what their everyday behavior looks like.

she was so terrified of becoming addicted to anything again that when she had surgery a couple of years ago, she only took the pain killers for the first 24 hours and left the rest of the bottle in the cabinet for more than a year before flushing them. i don't really see drugs being the issue here.

wolf · 12-28-2005, 01:07 AM

People who use powder cocaine act entirely differently from people on crack. I'm not saying or even guessing that's the case, but it's something to consider.

Is she at all willing to see a doc to discuss the possibility of medication? Nothing from any of the potentially addictive classes, but rather something in an antidepressant? Or has she started taking one and not reacted at all well to it?

yesman065 · 12-28-2005, 07:01 AM

Just a thought from a broken hearted guy who was in a similar situation. She may have had an affair and now its over. She is in utter dispair because that relationship is over and cannot live with what shes done to you and your child. She doesn't feel that she deserves you and is trying to be as self destructive as possible so that you leave her. Perhaps he totally used her and she feels like a complete fool. There are a multitude of reasons why she could be acting this way. I'd try to get some of this out in counseling and, if nothing else, start eliminating possibilities till you get to the real issue. Only then can you try to solve it.

lookout123 · 12-28-2005, 08:24 AM

wolf - i've seen both crack and coke. this isn't matching up.
the counselor we are seeing is a doc, so if a prescription is suggested and she agrees, it can be done there. she has made somewhat random statements about "not needing pills to be happy" lately. one of our good friends is on prozac to the extreme and doesn't discipline her kids at all, is letting herself go, and is generally just disconnected. she is using that example as an excuse for why meds aren't an option. yes it is just an excuse based off a very poor example, but that is where it stands.

yes - the thought that she was messing around has crossed my mind. i could see her quite easily deciding that all is lost and she is unworthy. "if i was really meant to be married i wouldn't have..." is quite plausible.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-29-2005, 03:52 PM

I saw a very happy couple go to hell, virtually overnight. After 22 years without a major argument, she developed a chemical imbalance in her very early 40s that made her imposible to live with, work with or deal with. She couldn't get a handle on it and drove everyone, lover, family and even employers, to distraction......and away.

12-31-2005, 06:47 AM	#4
Lynx Person Who Has Posted Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 2	@ marichiko Can I get that link? I'm feeling the resonance...

12-23-2005, 12:00 AM	#6
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	"For Better or Worse " ,, Dude you taged it !!! If she feel right to your gut then FIGHT to keep her , ANY WAY YOU HALF TO !!!!! As many years as you guys have is NOT worth throwing away !!!! Fight the GOOOD fight !!! ( it is worth the effort ) Take the high ground !!!! ( You are NOT as Petty as the shit she is bringing up!!! ) DON'T play HER game !! ( You are BETTER than THAT !!!!!!) PROTECT the Young'en !!!!! ANY way you have to!!!!!!!! She is unstable at this point!!! You on the other hand are VERRRRRRY stable( good job , good rep , etc,,, ) , fighting the good fight , remaining CALM , being an ADULT . Looking at the BIG picture , What is BEST for the kid , and if the marrige survives all this fucked up stuff , well that is good as well , BUT the kid WILLLLLL be taken care of !!! Just my call on things . Best of luck to you ALL !!!!! __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

12-23-2005, 06:28 PM	#8
jaguar whig Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 5,075	damn, that's a man with his head screwed on right. I hope if i ever end up in a situation like that I think with that level of clarity. __________________ Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. - Twain

12-27-2005, 08:09 PM	#9
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	Get her to go to a DR , full blood and hormoan levels , etc,,,,, Sounds weird but she MAY be haveing a reaction to some of the chem at work ???? __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

12-28-2005, 01:07 AM	#12
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	People who use powder cocaine act entirely differently from people on crack. I'm not saying or even guessing that's the case, but it's something to consider. Is she at all willing to see a doc to discuss the possibility of medication? Nothing from any of the potentially addictive classes, but rather something in an antidepressant? Or has she started taking one and not reacted at all well to it? __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

12-22-2005, 11:06 PM	#1
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	thanks for the words Jim (and everyone else), but i won't be punching her anytime soon. we have started counseling so we'll see where it goes. I performed a level III gutcheck and came to the conclusion that this woman and this marriage is something worth fighting for. I may be sitting at the keyboard in 4 days/weeks/months/years crying about my failed marriage but i can't focus on the maybe's. if i do, i will eventually be crying about the "what if's". emotionally she is screwed up right now, and that is putting me through the wringer - but the reality is that she just happens to be the most incredible person i've ever met and i absolutely meant it when i said "for better or worse". this is the "worse" part. (hopefully, we haven't been to the better part yet). I cannot control her actions or decisions. i can control mine. she may still leave me and opt for divorce, but until that time i will love her the best that i can, i will be the best husband that i can, and i will try to push/pull/drag us through this mess. those are my choices and actions that i am in control of. it is my choice to send up the white flag and pack my bags, to be bitter and spiteful, or to continue to love her the only way i know how. if i loved her with all my heart two weeks ago, why should i change who i am and what i do, just because she is confused and depressed? there have already been - and will be many more - great days and horrible days. i'm in for an emotional roller coaster ride, and i don't know where this one is going to end, but... wish me luck, -i'm going in.

12-27-2005, 06:05 PM	#2
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	emotional rollercoaster? doesn't even begin to cover it. my wife was a mature, responsible, loving, well adjusted mid 30's woman a month ago. i can't seem to find her now. mood swings, attitude swings, to the extreme. one moment she is talking about "us" in the context of the future, the next she expresses that she "can't see how we can ever make it work". her musical tastes have suddenly plunged into whiney wannabe mascara wearing crap like papa roach and their whoa-is-me depressed drivel. it is like i've suddenly woken up with a 17 year old (not in a good way) anybody see something like this before? isn't the mid-30's a little early for a midlife crisis? depression seems fairly obvious to me, but what do you do when the depressed person doesn't believe they are? (and yes, i know that people can stop loving each other with being depressed)

12-23-2005, 03:38 PM	#7
bluecuracao in a mood, not cupcake Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 3,034	Lookout, you are awesome. Your wife is extremely lucky to have a husband who loves her so much. I wish you the best with the counseling, and hope she is able to wake up from what ever she's going through and realize what she's got.

12-27-2005, 08:40 PM	#10
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Lookout, I mentioned it before and I'll say it again. You said she had some substance abuse issues in the past. Her all over the map response sounds like she may be using again. Xanax, a common tranquilizer, can have the effect you describe when a person starts taking too much of it. Tylenol3 and Percocet, the same. Vicodin is nasty stuff, yet its surprising how many doc's will just write out a prescription for it. People with depression will sometimes self medicate with one substance or another. What bottles are in her medicine cabinet or purse?

12-27-2005, 11:44 PM	#11
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	it was cocaine in the old days. she doesn't have any of her old "tells" so i am fairly certain that is not the issue. the others don't really fit the situation well. one of her sisters has been diagnosed and prescribed for chemical imbalance issues, the other has the same issues, but undiagnosed. (or so the family whispers) we don't live anywhere near them though, so i don't know what their everyday behavior looks like. she was so terrified of becoming addicted to anything again that when she had surgery a couple of years ago, she only took the pain killers for the first 24 hours and left the rest of the bottle in the cabinet for more than a year before flushing them. i don't really see drugs being the issue here.

12-28-2005, 07:01 AM	#13
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Just a thought from a broken hearted guy who was in a similar situation. She may have had an affair and now its over. She is in utter dispair because that relationship is over and cannot live with what shes done to you and your child. She doesn't feel that she deserves you and is trying to be as self destructive as possible so that you leave her. Perhaps he totally used her and she feels like a complete fool. There are a multitude of reasons why she could be acting this way. I'd try to get some of this out in counseling and, if nothing else, start eliminating possibilities till you get to the real issue. Only then can you try to solve it.

12-28-2005, 08:24 AM	#14
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	wolf - i've seen both crack and coke. this isn't matching up. the counselor we are seeing is a doc, so if a prescription is suggested and she agrees, it can be done there. she has made somewhat random statements about "not needing pills to be happy" lately. one of our good friends is on prozac to the extreme and doesn't discipline her kids at all, is letting herself go, and is generally just disconnected. she is using that example as an excuse for why meds aren't an option. yes it is just an excuse based off a very poor example, but that is where it stands. yes - the thought that she was messing around has crossed my mind. i could see her quite easily deciding that all is lost and she is unworthy. "if i was really meant to be married i wouldn't have..." is quite plausible.

12-29-2005, 03:52 PM	#15
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	I saw a very happy couple go to hell, virtually overnight. After 22 years without a major argument, she developed a chemical imbalance in her very early 40s that made her imposible to live with, work with or deal with. She couldn't get a handle on it and drove everyone, lover, family and even employers, to distraction......and away. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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