Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce.

[laebedahs]

Listen to some B.B. King, especially "The Thrill is Gone".

But seriously, I'm in a similiar situation, lookout. I wasn't really aware of the so-called "stages" (I'm pretty sure I'm in the acceptance stage right now but I did go through all those stages, funny it also reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons where Homer finds out he's dying). Here's the best advice you'll get. Whatever you do, look forward. Don't look back and dwell on the things you had (if it truly is over). Regret is one of the worse human emotions causes us to come to a stop in progression.

I was with my wife for 6 years (married 2 years of that). We were together since I was 16, so I can understand how hard it is to be alone after not having been for a while. Find a friend (the new friends I've made plus my parents has helped a lot). If you don't have one, make one (hard concept I know, I've made a lot of friends in the past 2 months than most in my life since I found out she was leaving and left).

Most importantly of all, have fun (once/if you're single)! Don't look for anyone for a relationship. Just look for people to have fun together with.

[Hemlock]

Lookout,

I can understand what you are going through. My wife recently told me she had an affair, and she is not sure whether she wants to try at a marraige again. This kind of loss is devastating. It is worse than if she died.

I also thought things were OK in my relationship (not great, but I was making an effort)...they were not. There is nothing you can do to make her stay - but I recomend some conseling. I spent many nights crying because I thought I would never see my wife again - and I do love her. I think she is wonderful. Obviosly the feeling was not mutual.

I am still in the middle of my crisis - so I will tell you all how it turns out.

[Hemlock]

I would also like to add that the biggest problem for me is the affair changed my entire world view. It shatttered what truths I thought existed. My wife could not only love me, but another man. I htought I was special to her, and we were special. That is no longer true. I still feel very insecure about everything.

The world does not seem "fair" anymore - my rose-colored glasses are off, and I see the world for the ugly thing it is: a place that is full of hatred and deceipt. Perhaps I will return to my normal self eventually, but it does hurt, eh?

[Elspode]

You make an interesting observation, Hemlock. There are people who do seem to figure out a way to love and hold special more than one person, but it is damn difficult.

Does/did your wife claim to love both you and the object of the affair?

[Hemlock]

Originally Posted by Elspode

You make an interesting observation, Hemlock. There are people who do seem to figure out a way to love and hold special more than one person, but it is damn difficult.

Does/did your wife claim to love both you and the object of the affair?

In the last few weeks she has said she loves us both....she has also said she does not know how she feels about him...I think she may be trying to not hurt my feelings by lying to me. But she is very confused wither way.

She has also said she is "in love" with him, and not "in love" with me. I read that as saying she does not like being around me lately, but she enjoys being around him. Well, I have been a jerk lately...my wife did have an affair. I see him as someone who says "yes" to whatever she says, but I question more - because of teh relationship we have. Perhaps I have questioned too much.

Either way, she is still my best friend - and I am hers. I just hope we can make it more than that again.

[Hemlock]

Originally Posted by lookout123

said Mrs Lookout. She just doesn't feel passion for me the way she thinks she should... so divorce is the obvious answer.

Don't you hate that the answer is to give up? I am experiencing the same thing. So your relationship is not perfect. Why is that a reason to give up? Why not work at it to make it the relationship you want? Why do you want to quit? Are her parents divorced? Stats show that kids from broken homes see divorce as a "solution" when a "problem" comes up in marraige. But all marraiges have their problems...it is up to the people involved to work through them, and talk.

Just my two cents...I think she is chickening out. But you better not tell her that...

[Undertoad]

I tried counseling with my ex for a year and a half, and we remained married for 3 years after we started... all that trying to save the relationship was a massive waste of time and energy. Looking back it would have been way better for me if we had just ended it.

But everyone's situation is different and I know people who "worked hard" on their marriage and saved it.

[Trilby]

I just finished reading Nick Hornby's HOW TO BE GOOD and it seems to fit this thread. Interesting look at marriage and divorce.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I've got a book too. "Screw The Bitch" from Loompanics Unlimited. Amazon has it.

I would also like to add that the biggest problem for me is the affair changed my entire world view. It shatttered what truths I thought existed. My wife could not only love me, but another man. I htought I was special to her, and we were special. That is no longer true. I still feel very insecure about everything.

It's an uphill battle to get centered again after having the future snatched away. It's too easy to be bitter and paranoid. Time heals all (non-fatal) wounds, but the scars remain.

[Brett's Honey]

I guess what I was trying to say in my earlier post was that sometimes a relationship loses something when it's no longer a challenge...
All of the "you'll be okay" advice is right, but I just really hope your marital trouble doesn't end in divorce. Of course you can't stop it sometimes, but I have a lot of admiration for hearing that you're already willing to forgive an affair, if that's the case. Shit happens, life happens, and forgiving a mistake, or forgiving infidelity even if she doesn't regret it, shows that you're willing to work on whatever it is that is wrong. Sometimes it not only saves a marriage, but makes it better. Maybe she needs to figure out that the passion that couples feel at first simply does not last forever. When my husband and I met 3 1/2 years ago, we would stay in bed all week-end, for the last couple years we've been in a "routine". Sometimes it's only a 2-3 times a month routine. Sometimes, I even feel like I love him more than I'm "in love" with him, but I'm 46 years old, been through a few relationships, and know it would be this way with anyone. I'm going to continue to hope really hard for the two of you...

[Elspode]

Any lively conversation and happy roll in the hay can provide us with such a rush that, after a couple of successive sparkling new encounters, free of the baggage of a longer relationship, we may very well feel like we are "in love" with the other person. The human animal is wired that way. It is Nature's way of ensuring that we spread our superior genetics (well, mine are superior, anyway, and I'm sure all of yours are as well) around as widely as possible. New=Heightened *Everything* on the biochemical level.

Unfortunately, we're also creatures of consciousness, and as such, of *conscience*. For my own part, I know intuitively, deeply, for certain that the truest measure of love must include an ample helping of respect, perseverence and common sacrifice. These are fundamental things that build the foundations of an enduring relationship, long after the biochemical boil has eased back to a slow simmer.

How are we to balance our gut level desire to boil with our intellectual yearning for a long term simmer? Beats the living shit out of me. I'll let you know if I *ever* am able to beat this thing and win instead of just describing it.

[mrnoodle]

Wow...I'm sorry, lookout. And laebedahs, and hemlock. I don't have anything to add, but you're in my thoughts. It's a spreading disease -- a friend of mine just moved out on his wife and kids after revealing that he's been sleeping with someone he met on a business trip for the last year.

what the hell is the matter with people? It's like an entire generation has decided that the only thing that matters in life is pleasing itself, and to hell with everyone else. We've created a booming market for "therapists" who charge exorbitant amounts of money to tell us how great we really are inside, and how we need to make ourselves happy and such, but personal responsibility has flown the coop.

For those of you who are being cheated on, you have my utmost sympathy and best wishes. For those of you who are cheating, and haven't told anyone, pull your effing head out of your ass before you destroy someone else's life. I know it doesn't seem like much compared to your genitals getting rubbed by someone other than your S.O., but really, monogamy isn't really all THAT bad.

Oh, and lookout? She's seeing someone. And you know it. [bitterness alert]the number of unabused, heterosexual women in this world who leave their spouses without having an alternate already waiting in the wings can be listed on a single sheet of paper.[/voice of experience] You'll get the truth out of her if you keep at it. Step one is to dry up the tears. She relishes the power she holds over you.

I gotta stop. I'm really sorry, guys (and/or women). No one deserves to get trampled like that.

[LabRat]

Originally Posted by mrnoodle

Oh, and lookout? She's seeing someone.

Not necessarily. I posted this thread awhile back. I never did see a counselor (though we have in the past). I have mentioned this before, but I frequently battle depression, and am currently on Zoloft for it. As it turns out, occasionally when it gets bad, I tend to blame hubby for what I perceive to be all the 'bad' stuff in my life at the time. Shortly after posting said thread, I realized that I was in a lower than usual low, and instead of a counselor, I upped my meds for awhile, and checked out a bunch of books about marriage from the library. I never mentioned to him anything that I wrote in that post, thankfully. I keep a mental list of all of the things that are great about him and us so that when I start to question things, I can whip it out and counter every gripe I *think* I have with a fact. So far this has kept me from doing something really stupid, like actually moving out, or cheating etc.

Where I am going with this is maybe the same type of thing is happening with her. She is feeling really shitty (un-diagnosed depression?), doesn't know why, and due to the way the world works, blames the person closest to her for her problems. I am probably WAY off base, but at least for me, one of the signals that I am in a low is I start to question my marriage. Fortunately I have never cheated on my husband when I was busy blaming him for all my bad feelings, which is why I say to noodle, cheating may not be the reason for her 'crazy' behavior.

Check out that thread, there was some really SUPER advice there. I actually feel kind of stupid that so many cellarites had so much good to say, and I was just mental at the time and thought I wanted a divorce...

I truely hope that she figures out WHY she feels the way she does, and that it is something that can be fixed. Be it getting a less jaded group of friends, on medication, whatever. We are here in your corner while you battle this horrible situation. Hug the little one a lot. It should help.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I actually feel kind of stupid that so many cellarites had so much good to say, and I was just mental at the time and thought I wanted a divorce...

Don't

We are here in your corner while you battle this horrible situation.

That's why.

[plthijinx]

lookout, i'm really sorry this is happening to you. i've been through a divorce and it wasn't pretty. no matter how bad things seem like they can't get worse, they can. not to be the pessimist here, but with the shit that i went through in the last 4 years has been, well, bleak. i CAN say that things do get better. hopefully you won't travel down the path that i did as well as others and things work out. your efforts to save your marriage are warranted here. no matter what, keep your chin up, stand tall, and be proud of who you are. NO ONE can take that from you.