For discussion: If you were a pedophile

[sean]

Originally Posted by DanaC

So, do you still go mountain climbing?

yep. but not hard climbing.

[capnhowdy]

From sean's post #104

For one, altho I wasn't sexually precocious (quite the opposite, I had a very late puberty) I really loved girls when I was a young boy, and I also had a lot of opportunities for sex play. This was always consensual and enjoyable, and in many ways my sex life up until age ten was as good as it's ever been.

Question: At what age did you become sexually active?

[sean]

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

Question: At what age did you become sexually active?

It depends on your definition. Like I said I was far from precocious physically, but I can remember masturbating alone at four or five and playing doctors with girls from then until I was sent to boarding school around age ten. My family was tolerant of this kind of play, but I got in trouble at school around this time for fooling around with some older boys. I was a very bright kid, but also kind of naughty. I think I was quite a 'sexual' and sensual child, but not pathologically so.

I was still fairly naive at twelve or thirteen. I didn't have an orgasm or start growing pubic hair until a year or two after that. So I was completely prepubescent, but I was also very curious about sex and did all I could to find out more. Becos I was at boarding school I had no contact with girls, but I did have consensual sexual experiences with much older, physically mature boys. Our activities were discovered and prompted a violent, abusive, homophobic reaction from adult authorities. This had a serious impact on the rest of my schooling. Given the difference in age and maturity, I would likely be cast in the role of victim today, but back then I was seen as the instigator, a seductive little puck, and I was called filthy and disgusting.

At high school (a different all male boarding school) I wasn't remotely attracted to my male peers and girls my age seemed matronly rather than sexy. I fantasized about little girls and had a very active sex life with Rosie Palm and her five lovely daughters. I had adult girlfriends after I left school and lost my virginity around age 20. I've had long term adult relationships, and fallen in love with two or three different women. I'd have another adult relationship now if the opportunity presented itself. I like women and I get along very well with them.

I don't know if my overt sexual development in those years is really much different to a lot of other boys. My attraction to kids has manifested itself in more subtle ways. I enjoyed being around younger kids, especially little girls, when I was a preteen and I fantasized about them right thru my teens. As an adult I've fallen in love with two or three little girls, and these remain very significant experiences in my life. I'm kind of 'attuned' to children in a way I'm not to women. A picture of an 18 year old girl in a bikini is barely interesting to me, but a picture of an 8 year old girl in a bikini is appealing and fascinating.

It's hard to explain. Putting it in these terms overemphasizes the sexual element, but it would also be a distortion to deny that element. Because I'm trying to describe my sexuality here, I'm necessarily dwelling on it, which probably seems exhibitionistic, and 'creepy' as Cloud suggested. If she were describing her sexual fantasies, that might seem creepy too.

I love kids. I love the way they smell and the sound of their voices. I love the way their minds work and the things they say. I love the way they move and the way they look. Clearly I feel a little soppy and romantic about them at times, but I'm also quite capable of being a realistic and responsible caregiver. Like I say, it's not all about sex, but my sexual development has been subtly biased by that interest in kids right thru my pre-adult and adult life.

When or how I became 'sexually active' hasn't really been remarkable or particularly relevant to that, I don't think...

[Cicero]

Note to self: Never date anyone named sean. Especially if it is just a nick-name.

Ok I'm out!

[DanaC]

Hard climbing? Is that like climbing without ropes, or does it refer to the difficulty of the mountain itself?

[Pie]

Sean, thank you for your posts and your honesty.

Dana & Mon, thank you for saying a lot of what I would have said, had I been following this thread more diligently!

Question for Merc: I have an strong compulsion to break the law -- by punching you in the snoot. Repeatedly. Should I have my head cut off too? Maybe we should bring in Shari'a a la Merc for the duration.

[sean]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Hard climbing?

It means mostly exposed, mostly standing belays, high chance of spending a night out, objective dangers, 20 hour days..

I still like to climb, but I'm too old for all that stuff now. I like to ski home to a brew and a sleeping bag.

Originally Posted by Pie

Sean, thank you for your posts and your honesty.

Thank you Pie. I've said more than I intended, and was wondering if it was too much and I'd offended people. Apologies to anybody if I did.

The thing with me is that I haven't had a terrible life, I've had it pretty good overall. I had some challenges when I was a kid, but I got past most of them. What it's taken longer to process is a few cruel, shitty things that were done to me in my childhood by adults who were so convinced they were right they just acted like robots.

So, paedophiles aren't the only kinds of adults who harm kids, and despite what some people like to think, there are worse things than being felt up by a lonely old man.

More to the point, not all paedophiles harm kids. Believe it or not, the boundaries aren't that hard to understand, even for a paedophile.

What is hard is having a place in your heart for children (who so often go wanting for time from a sympathetic adult) and knowing you are happy in their company, and knowing you can fall for them as easily and as lightly as a fly landing on a watermelon, and then to be indoctrinated with this toxic belief that you have a radioctive core that will kill a child's soul as surely as kryptonite killing superman.

You spend a lifetime spitting up this stinking lie, then as soon as you start to believe in your own goodness, someone else comes along with another dose, lifting the lid on it like a dead rat in bucket of water.

It's not fair and it doesn't help anybody. It's been really great to have people here listen and I'm very grateful. I don't mind some people getting angry, but I hope they can at least see that I'm trying to be honest.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by sean

and knowing you can fall for them as easily and as lightly as a fly landing on a watermelon,

What happens when they grow up? Do you still love them?

[sean]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

What happens when they grow up? Do you still love them?

It changes. You know, a lot of parents go thru a kind of grief when their kids hit puberty. They know they can't love their adult children in the same way they did when they were babies, and I guess it's similar.

I have a couple of very close adult friends, one male and one female, who I've been friends with since they were little. I was in love with one of them when she was a child, and she knows about that. It's slightly embarrassing, but not cripplingly so. When she was eleven she would offer and seek advice as easily as she does now. We're pretty close, but no, I'm not in love with her any more. Besides, she has a boyfriend.

[sean]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

What happens when they grow up? Do you still love them?

Also, you know, its not all about grand passions. Sometimes being attracted to kids simply means being able to tolerate one of them for slightly longer than might otherwise be the case, or maybe making a connection for a couple of hours with a kid you'll never see again.

When I talk about falling in love, its the same as it is for most people. I don't fall in love every five minutes. There are less than a handful of kids who have been a really significant presence in my life. So while these have been episodes, and not my whole life, they've had a real impact on me. That's one reason I can't discount my experiences as easily as some people think I ought to. Also, I'm comfortable that my friendship has been a positive experience for those kids, and I've been told as much by them and people around them.

Maybe love's the wrong word, but it's the word that seems to fit.

[sean]

not 'in love', but love, yeah definitely. for both of them.

[monster]

Are you an aussie or a kiwi? Just being nosy, not trying to stalk you, honest!

[sean]

Originally Posted by monster

Are you an aussie or a kiwi? Just being nosy, not trying to stalk you, honest!

flightless and nocturnal, as charged.

[monster]

aha. thanks. yeah, unlikely to get stalked my my clan anytime soon...

[morethanpretty]