Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet"
in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:
The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany
you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.
Camp Director

[pourbill]

"KIiss me" the client said to her lawyer.

"Really I shouldn't" he replies.

"Please kiss me"

"It wouldn't be right".

"Just kiss me, come on just once, kiss me" she pleads.

"Kiss you, kiss you, I shouldn't even be fucking you".

[Cyclefrance]

Apologies if you have been there already...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell
where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have
no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to
let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad
as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large
pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time
after time. >"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."










The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

[HungLikeJesus]

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

[Cyclefrance]

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday.

She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has taught him over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But, you do realize, don't you, that he's just saying the words? He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's OK," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

[jester]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she asked. Shaking her head in disdain she asked, "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like
to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Duke Medical Center , Durham , North Carolina

[Phil]

whats blue and fucks old people?
me in my lucky blue coat.

[Hime]

In a dog park in a very chic Manhattan neighborhood, three dogs get together to chat, and the subject of what breed they are comes up.

The first dog says, "well, my mother was a cocker spaniel and my father was a poodle, so I'm a Cockapoo. We're very trendy."

The second dog puts his nose in the air and says, "Well, that's nice. Personally, my father was a purebred pug and my mother was an award-winning beagle, making me a Puggle. We're the latest thing in L.A."

The third dog looks very uncomfortable and starts trying to change the subject. "Come on, just tell us," the other dogs keep saying. Finally, he gives in.

"Well, my father was a Bull Terrier and my mother was a Shi Tzu..."

[Urbane Guerrilla]

"Mommy, Mommy! -- what's an orgasm?"

"I don't know; ask your father."

[BigV]

What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?


One of them says "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the other says "Hey! McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

[BrianR]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful Company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
male stripper at a gay nightclub. "The three friends said: "What a shame...
what a disappointment.

"The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And, he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!

[BigV]

An American purchases and moves into a very remote farmhouse in the Shetland Islands. One, two, three months go by and he sees no one. Finally, there's a knock on the door. When the American answers it, he sees a wild-looking bear of a man practically filling the door frame, rough wool sweater, rough full beard and a rough accent.

"I'm here to invite ye t' a paaarty."

"Well! That's very nice of you, I'd love to come to a party."

"But I have to warn ye, it'll be a wild Shetland paarty. There will be wild Shetland dancing."

"I'm light on my feet; when I was in college I enjoyed going to all the dances."

"There's goin' t' be a fight. There's aaalllways a fight."

"I can hold my own; in the army I was boxing champion of the whole battalion."

"There'll be sex afterward. Wild Shetland sex."

"I haven't seen anyone in three months; I'm looking forward to a little female companionship."

"Well, all right then. It's settled."

"It's settled. What should I wear?"

"Just come as ye are--it's only goin' t' be you and me."

[Cyclefrance]

Another golden oldie...

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

++++

[Aliantha]

What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?






























Bob.

[Phil]

why dont black people dream?


coz the last one who had a dream got assassinated.