Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 8

Trilby · 01-10-2006, 06:55 PM

Lookout, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

Don't be a glutton for punishment. Refuse to do that. It is not good for your son and it's certainly not good for you. You can walk away but let her know that you are open to communicate but please don't do this to yourself. I fear if you don't back off she will escalate this ugly behavior until it's simply out of control.

Clodfobble · 01-10-2006, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by richlevy

Just walk away at this point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by warch

She has made her call. She wants to be alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

I fear if you don't back off she will escalate this ugly behavior until it's simply out of control.

Having had a mentally diseased stepmother, I don't buy these assessments. I am quite convinced by now that your wife has a chemical imbalance of some sort, lookout, be it nature- or substance-induced. Her behavior is very different from the millions of women who leave their husbands every day. She is still in the house, you are still having sex, there are still inexplicable "good days"--and given all that, her bad days are just too venemous to be genuine. Every time you post it reminds me more of my stepmother (who was bipolar, back when they still called it manic depression. She took large amounts of Lithium, and even then, once a month or so she would start screaming about how much she hated us all and throwing things at us. We would leave the house, she would pass out for about 12 hours, and when we came back, she'd be startingly fine.)

For what it's worth, I strongly agree with your move to get the alcohol out. My stepmother's condition would get much more frequent and unpredictable when she would occasionally decide to step off the wagon for a few weeks.

WabUfvot5 · 01-10-2006, 11:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

For what it's worth, I strongly agree with your move to get the alcohol out. My stepmother's condition would get much more frequent and unpredictable when she would occasionally decide to step off the wagon for a few weeks.

Interesting. Usually bipolars drink a lot because it smooths out the highs and lows they experience. Of course anybody can get really sloshed, which is what Mrs. lookout could be doing.

The others are right that you can't diagnose over this medium but it would be wise to note if her moods are cycling faster or slower when she doesn't have access to alcohol.

lookout123 · 01-11-2006, 12:17 AM

she seems to be cycling slower but going more deeply negative and her highs aren't as high since she isn't drinking - only 3 days at this point.

WabUfvot5 · 01-11-2006, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

she seems to be cycling slower but going more deeply negative and her highs aren't as high since she isn't drinking - only 3 days at this point.

Can you be sure she isn't drinking? I mean you can't watch her all the time, but would you know if she did drink via signs?

There are many different types of bipolar disorder and sometimes they can be combined with other issues. In short you need a professional diagnosis and even then who knows if it's really BPD.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

one of her sisters has been diagnosed and prescribed for chemical imbalance issues, the other has the same issues, but undiagnosed. (or so the family whispers) we don't live anywhere near them though, so i don't know what their everyday behavior looks like.

This would certainly fit especially since BPD is more common in women and seems to be a genetic thing. I'm no shrink but nobody here can tell me there isn't something off-kilter in her head. That quote of yours is the key to all this from where I sit (in a cushy blue chair).

Griff · 01-11-2006, 09:38 PM

Is there no way to let her out of the cage for a while, let her see the wide world can be pretty sucky, and reel her back in wiser?

Trilby · 01-10-2006, 07:32 PM

I am not assessing anyone via the cellar via second hand information. I am simply responding to what lookout has posted and trying to be supportive in my flawed way. He will do whatever he wishes which is exactly how it should be. No one can know what is going on with Mrs. Lookout via this medium. Her husband doesn't know! It's ridiculous. From here on out, lookout, just know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Beestie · 01-10-2006, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

I am not assessing anyone via the cellar via second hand information...

Clod didn't say you were wrong, only that she has a different opinion. I don't think anyone took your post as anything other than the grasping at straws attempt at support we are all offering.

01-10-2006, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

I am not assessing anyone via the cellar via second hand information. I am simply responding to what lookout has posted and trying to be supportive...

Actually, I think Bri has a good point. Its pretty hard to diagnose someone third hand via the Internet, and the two people here most qualified to make a real diagnosis have been wise enough not to.

I've thrown out some ideas trying to be helpful, Lookout, but you need the advise of a professional in 3D land. From what you describe, you are currently the only actual grown-up in the scenario. Good thing for your son that he has you. Please don't let anything change that and good luck whatever you ultimately decide to do!

Clodfobble · 01-10-2006, 08:13 PM

I wasn't meaning to accuse you of anything, Bri. Sorry if it sounded that way. I just meant that my instinct is that leaving her is the least effective thing he can do--that now is the time to be proving to her that he will hold on tighter than ever, right when she's at her peak of claiming to refuse it--and I just found it interesting that so many people interpreted her behavior the opposite way.

lookout123 · 01-10-2006, 09:33 PM

i interpret her escalating bad behavior over the last month and a half as a way of trying to push me away. looking for my buttons. trying to get me to throw in the towel. in her entire life she has never had anyone who genuinely loved her without condition and without limit. not even her parents.

i believe that she does have a chemical imbalance or something of the sort, but i am no expert. i know that she has some extremely deep emotional problems flaring up. i do not know if we will make it through this, but i do know that if i do what she expects and what she is expressing that she wants - for me to give up and agree to a divorce, then i will have proven that i am just like all the people she so desperately has fought to impress and win love from her whole life.

if we have a chance at making it through this, i have to show her that i find REAL value in her. not for what she does for me, or the things she has achieved, but for who she is. if i walk away she has no incentive, catalyst, "oppressor" to get her to deal with the real issues. she needs professional help. i cannot force her into proper health, but i can love her unconditionally and encourage her.

if it all fails and she refuses to get help, what have i lost? nothing. sure, a few days/weeks/months. but what have i really lost? the same thing i will have lost if i walk away right now - the woman that i love. i know that reading through this thread she sounds like a miserable POS that i should be glad to be rid of - but that isn't all there is to her.

if i walk away now, i will have lost something else that i value. a piece of me. the part of me that has always promised to love her, care for her, and help her without condition.

she may forsake her promises and walk away. if she does, sooner or later her demons will rise again and she will have to deal with the consequences. i will not break my promises to her, or myself.

***
and Bri, i understand what you were saying and didn't take it the wrong way. thanks for your support.

Beestie · 01-10-2006, 09:43 PM

Maybe you two should go to Paris for a week. May or may not fix things - and I wouldn't go with the expectation that it will be cathartic - but sometimes the house can get a little claustraphobic when the relationship is not going well.

Somehow, I just think you need to do something to shake things up a bit. If for nothing else, just to break the pattern.

lookout123 · 01-10-2006, 09:50 PM

our travel schedule last year included New Orleans, San Diego, Las Vegas, Flagstaff, Mexico (multiple times), 2 cruises, spain, italy, and france. yesterday she let me know that those would have been fun with someone she loved. 10 minutes later she apologized and was the girl i walked through Rome with. Today she says that she has never loved me.

oh, yeah, our itinerary for '06 was Disney, San Diego, Vegas, West Indies, Virgin Islands, Cabo San Lucas, another cruise, and strangely enough... a week in Paris.

i don't think that being stuck at home is the real problem.

wolf · 01-11-2006, 02:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

i don't think that being stuck at home is the real problem.

If you're having relationship problems at home, they remain with you on the road.

Having them in a country where relatively few people speak English has the potential to magnify rather than reduce the problems.

WabUfvot5 · 01-11-2006, 10:10 PM

Well shit, if you think the court would hand her the kid then you have an obligation to raise the issue she is unfit unless she gets evaluated.

01-10-2006, 06:55 PM	#1
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Lookout, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Don't be a glutton for punishment. Refuse to do that. It is not good for your son and it's certainly not good for you. You can walk away but let her know that you are open to communicate but please don't do this to yourself. I fear if you don't back off she will escalate this ugly behavior until it's simply out of control. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

01-11-2006, 09:38 PM	#6
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Is there no way to let her out of the cage for a while, let her see the wide world can be pretty sucky, and reel her back in wiser? __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

01-10-2006, 07:32 PM	#7
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	I am not assessing anyone via the cellar via second hand information. I am simply responding to what lookout has posted and trying to be supportive in my flawed way. He will do whatever he wishes which is exactly how it should be. No one can know what is going on with Mrs. Lookout via this medium. Her husband doesn't know! It's ridiculous. From here on out, lookout, just know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum Last edited by Trilby; 01-10-2006 at 07:34 PM.

01-10-2006, 09:43 PM	#12
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	Maybe you two should go to Paris for a week. May or may not fix things - and I wouldn't go with the expectation that it will be cathartic - but sometimes the house can get a little claustraphobic when the relationship is not going well. Somehow, I just think you need to do something to shake things up a bit. If for nothing else, just to break the pattern. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

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01-11-2006, 12:17 AM	#4
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	she seems to be cycling slower but going more deeply negative and her highs aren't as high since she isn't drinking - only 3 days at this point.

01-10-2006, 08:13 PM	#10
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I wasn't meaning to accuse you of anything, Bri. Sorry if it sounded that way. I just meant that my instinct is that leaving her is the least effective thing he can do--that now is the time to be proving to her that he will hold on tighter than ever, right when she's at her peak of claiming to refuse it--and I just found it interesting that so many people interpreted her behavior the opposite way.

01-10-2006, 09:33 PM	#11
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	i interpret her escalating bad behavior over the last month and a half as a way of trying to push me away. looking for my buttons. trying to get me to throw in the towel. in her entire life she has never had anyone who genuinely loved her without condition and without limit. not even her parents. i believe that she does have a chemical imbalance or something of the sort, but i am no expert. i know that she has some extremely deep emotional problems flaring up. i do not know if we will make it through this, but i do know that if i do what she expects and what she is expressing that she wants - for me to give up and agree to a divorce, then i will have proven that i am just like all the people she so desperately has fought to impress and win love from her whole life. if we have a chance at making it through this, i have to show her that i find REAL value in her. not for what she does for me, or the things she has achieved, but for who she is. if i walk away she has no incentive, catalyst, "oppressor" to get her to deal with the real issues. she needs professional help. i cannot force her into proper health, but i can love her unconditionally and encourage her. if it all fails and she refuses to get help, what have i lost? nothing. sure, a few days/weeks/months. but what have i really lost? the same thing i will have lost if i walk away right now - the woman that i love. i know that reading through this thread she sounds like a miserable POS that i should be glad to be rid of - but that isn't all there is to her. if i walk away now, i will have lost something else that i value. a piece of me. the part of me that has always promised to love her, care for her, and help her without condition. she may forsake her promises and walk away. if she does, sooner or later her demons will rise again and she will have to deal with the consequences. i will not break my promises to her, or myself. *** and Bri, i understand what you were saying and didn't take it the wrong way. thanks for your support.

01-10-2006, 09:50 PM	#13
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	our travel schedule last year included New Orleans, San Diego, Las Vegas, Flagstaff, Mexico (multiple times), 2 cruises, spain, italy, and france. yesterday she let me know that those would have been fun with someone she loved. 10 minutes later she apologized and was the girl i walked through Rome with. Today she says that she has never loved me. oh, yeah, our itinerary for '06 was Disney, San Diego, Vegas, West Indies, Virgin Islands, Cabo San Lucas, another cruise, and strangely enough... a week in Paris. i don't think that being stuck at home is the real problem.

01-11-2006, 10:10 PM	#15
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	Well shit, if you think the court would hand her the kid then you have an obligation to raise the issue she is unfit unless she gets evaluated.

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