Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

Q ~ What's the American Indian word for "lousy hunter"?



A ~ Vegetarian.

[extemporaneous]

what's the square root of 69? ate something

[capnhowdy]

square root = uncomfortable copulation

[footfootfoot]

zippyT calls his wife on the phone and says "Honey, I just got an offer to go fishing at one of the best spots in the country this weekend. The guys are going to leave in about an hour, could you pack my bags, my rod and reel and tackle box? Thanks hon, Oh yeah, pack my blue silk PJs too."

Zippy comes home from his fishing trip late sunday night and mrs zippy says "how was the fishing trip dear?"

zippy says "It was great, only you forgot to pack my blue silk PJs"

mrs zippy says "No I didn't, I put them in your tackle box."

[xoxoxoBruce]

ZippyT....silk pajamas. Now that's funny.

[Pi]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, by shaking him and asks, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says: "What exactly did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn Around!'

[Wiz]

http://www.ssiworld.com/watch/bmw.htm

Every Shepherd should have one!

Originally Posted by Elspode

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Serengeti (of course) sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of
this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally
turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs an animal into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business. Now give me back my dog."

[xoxoxoBruce]

Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq.
Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India."
Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."
There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."

[Crimson Ghost]

Possible repost...

A little scrawny guy goes into a bar.
He is shortly followed by a big burly trucker.
As they sit at the bar drinking suddenly...
BAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Karate from Korea."
Little guy gets back on the barstool and resumes drinking.
Five minutes later...
WHAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Ju Jits Su from Japan."
The little guy leaves the bar, and comes back in five minutes.
He walks up behind the trucker and...
KA-POW!!!
He looks at the bartender and says -
"When that motherfucker wakes up, tell him that was my sledgehammer from Sears!"

[skysidhe]

[zippyt]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the
bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
the
bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They
brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit
longer
this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every
time
against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.
The
next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not
drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this
black
eye?"His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put
your
hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled,
"Skunk
... killed with an axe."

[skysidhe]

zippyt , eww gross! disgusting!

Sometimes one dosn't want to know that guys have experienced less than savory crotches. Guys who think some womens stinky crotches are funny must have known one or two. I would never want to *do* someone who has *been there*

ewwwww! Is grossed out.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Aw lighten up, skysidhe.

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by skysidhe

zippyt , eww gross! disgusting!

Sometimes one dosn't want to know that guys have experienced less than savory crotches. Guys who think some womens stinky crotches are funny must have known one or two. I would never want to *do* someone who has *been there*

ewwwww! Is grossed out.

Reminds me of anchovies, the tiny little fish that smell like fingers...

ba dump bump

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

......the tiny little fish that smell like fingers...

ba dump bump

hehehe ok that was funny .....but still gross :p at least ya got a smile out of it