Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 4

lookout123 · 12-17-2005, 12:57 PM

A) i'm not giving up yet. i have faith that all things can be resolved.

B) i know that if this ends in divorce that i will survive. i know there are other fish in the sea. i know it is entirely possible that i will find another to my liking. my feeling though, is "why bother"?

before we met, i was a serial dater. that was about the only think i was really, really good at during that time. i'm not talking just sex - i had a few dating relationships where i was the one they called to go to "upscale" locations and we never ended up in the sack. it was a lifestyle. one that i enjoyed. (the thought of it revolts me, now).

all that changed the moment i met her. i had already had one date that day, and had another planned for that night. i met her and my life instantly changed. i felt it happen and knew it for what it was. 5 minutes later called my date for that night and canceled. i never believed in love at first sight or anything like that before then. i certainly wasn't looking for it. but for 7 years i have not had a thought or a decision that she didn't factor into somehow. a wonderful friend, excellent conversationalist, intelligent, well traveled, adventurous, wild, and the single best lover i have ever had, bar none.

the thought of ever finding someone that compares to that experience... i don't know.

Undertoad · 12-18-2005, 06:04 AM

A marvelous hint someone gave to me at about this point: if some aspect seems too overwhemling to consider, just *don't* consider it. The financial? The offspring? The future lifestyle? The fine details can wait until there's less to think about.

richlevy · 12-18-2005, 12:20 PM

Not to be too trite, but to paraphrase the Graduate.

Three words. Just three words. Divorced soccer moms.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-18-2005, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

A marvelous hint someone gave to me at about this point: if some aspect seems too overwhemling to consider, just *don't* consider it. The financial? The offspring? The future lifestyle? The fine details can wait until there's less to think about.

Excellent point!

Considering all the variables, planning details before they come up is just a waste of time and energy. Decide and stick to, principles and values that are important to you and the details will work themselves out.

lookout123 · 12-18-2005, 11:09 PM

it is very difficult to operate normally with the 1000 lb elephant in the room. last night was great fun, hanging out, BSing, etc. we woke up and all was wellonlu fun family functions in the morning before church. church was great. we finally get back home and the little one is down for a nap.

she was reading mail and i came up from behind and hugged her tightly. one thing led to another and we ended up having th best sex we've had in quite a while.

she's been more friendly but distant since then. it is a roll of the dice to see what comes tomorrow.

12-19-2005, 12:36 AM

It sounds very crazy making and difficult, Lookout. Sorry she is putting you through this.

Trilby · 12-19-2005, 10:56 PM

Lookout, it's not YOU, it's HER. It's not your lifestyle, it's HER. You two have been all over and done amazing, fun, happy things. If she finds that "humdrum"--oh, my. Clearly, she is not appreciating the fine things life has given to her-yourself included.

Sun_Sparkz · 12-19-2005, 10:57 PM

"Routine" can be more than just day to day living you know. There can be routine in your kiss, routine in sex, routine in the way you always order cab sav instead of trying local wines, routine in attitudes, routine in television watching habits, routine in one partner always being the one to make coffee in the morning.

not that i'm saying that this may be applicable to you, but it is for me... my partner and i travel a lot too but i too get frusterated in our routine.. even though no 2 weeks are the same, i still get frusterated at his attitudes and his need to eat gormet pizzas no matter where we go, and his inability to refrain from pulling a stupid face in every photo.

But then again.. these things dont make me want to leave him.. just slap him around a bit.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-20-2005, 07:32 PM

Quote:

But then again.. these things dont make me want to leave him.. just slap him around a bit.

You've told us, have you told him?

Rock Steady · 12-20-2005, 08:13 PM

Well, I just want to add my support, lookout. These people have said some very relevant things here. The main thing is that she doesn't know how good she has it, and no one can tell her verbally.

Doctor Beren · 12-21-2005, 04:24 AM

Lookout, you don't know me, but this thread is just heartbreaking, and for what it's worth, my $0.02:

Depressed people hate themselves, and your wife certainly sounds like she's depressed. If you hate yourself, you develop a certain contempt for people who adore you. I suspect this is at least part of what's happening.

Continue with the counselling. But, at the same time, get a lawyer immediately and protect your assets. Refuse to move out. After all, she's the one who wants to be alone. She should be the one living in a cramped apartment, not you. Finally, I'd say you should connect how you treat her to her behavior. Don't be sweet and kind to her when she's feeding you all kinds of bullshit about never loving you or your not making enough money. Get mad; or freeze her out. Be selfish. It might suddenly hit her that, no, she can't count on your unconditional love for all eternity, and that you won't carry a torch for her forever after she's gone.

yesman065 · 12-21-2005, 07:30 AM

You go Doc! I feel like I'm in similar boat as you Lookout, only much less. Everyone tells me I should freeze her out, be calm cool and collected. Act aloof. Let her know that she really may not have you if she acts like an asshole. She may have someone else and be too weak and small a person to leave so she's trying to get you to do it. Fuck that! Let her deal with the situation she created. She wants out - let her leave. She wants a divorce - let her go and get it. I am desperately trying to learn the same principles. Cover your ass and your kids, cuz no matter what happens you'll always be Dad and as he grows he'll learn the truth about how this all went down, who cared for him and know who his true "parent" is!

xoxoxoBruce · 12-21-2005, 05:00 PM

Wecome to the Cellar, Doc Beren.

Stick around, you'll find all kinds of interesting people here.

warch · 12-21-2005, 06:39 PM

No matter how hard you try there is no logic to this stuff. No tidy cause and effect.
Kid is #1. Kid will always always be your family. Kid needs and loves you. Be your best strong, fair, loving, grownup Dad. Its a huge test.
Like you, the wife is an adult and responsible for her own happiness. You're not to blame for her discontent, she is.
Good luck, guy.

lumberjim · 12-21-2005, 07:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by warch

No matter how hard you try there is no logic to this stuff. No tidy cause and effect.
Kid is #1. Kid will always always be your family. Kid needs and loves you. Be your best strong, fair, loving, grownup Dad. Its a huge test.
Like you, the wife is an adult and responsible for her own happiness. You're not to blame for her discontent, she is.
Good luck, guy.

yeah, what warch said.

this really really sucks. for all of you that have your lives crumbling around you. or have had it happen. fuck that. it sucks that people are so selfish. no relationship is gonna be great all the time, and for her to drop out on you like this sucks big. why don't people have the fortitude to stick it out and work through problems? it's not like you're an abusive asshole who she needs to flee to survive. immature, if you ask me. too used to being single. this is like some early midlife crisis BS. i just don't get it. unless you just annoy her? but still.....she friggin married you. how annoying could you be? dude. main thing is....you gotta keep your chin up. don't let this change your self image. you are a succesful man. and good looking enough to get a new dame. it's a fucking shame that your wife is just like Prince's mother.....she's never satisfied......

folks have posted some good advice here for you. like stay in the house. if she wants to leave.....fuck her. go get some strange.

ok. ok. i'm a little buzzed and this has me pissed. you;re a nice guy, lookout. it's not right that you should get shit on by anyone, especially your wife.

i want you to do something for me tonight. wait until she's asleep.....get under the bed.....reach up and punch her in the mouth.....then duck back under the bed before she knows what's going on. play dumb in the morning......she must have hit herself. asshole.

12-18-2005, 12:20 PM	#3
richlevy King Of Wishful Thinking Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Philadelphia Suburbs Posts: 6,669	Not to be too trite, but to paraphrase the Graduate. Three words. Just three words. Divorced soccer moms. __________________ Exercise your rights and remember your obligations - VOTE! I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting. -- Barack Hussein Obama

12-19-2005, 10:56 PM	#7
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Lookout, it's not YOU, it's HER. It's not your lifestyle, it's HER. You two have been all over and done amazing, fun, happy things. If she finds that "humdrum"--oh, my. Clearly, she is not appreciating the fine things life has given to her-yourself included. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

12-19-2005, 10:57 PM	#8
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	"Routine" can be more than just day to day living you know. There can be routine in your kiss, routine in sex, routine in the way you always order cab sav instead of trying local wines, routine in attitudes, routine in television watching habits, routine in one partner always being the one to make coffee in the morning. not that i'm saying that this may be applicable to you, but it is for me... my partner and i travel a lot too but i too get frusterated in our routine.. even though no 2 weeks are the same, i still get frusterated at his attitudes and his need to eat gormet pizzas no matter where we go, and his inability to refrain from pulling a stupid face in every photo. But then again.. these things dont make me want to leave him.. just slap him around a bit. __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

12-20-2005, 08:13 PM	#10
Rock Steady Day Tripper Join Date: May 2005 Location: Silicon Valley Posts: 784	Well, I just want to add my support, lookout. These people have said some very relevant things here. The main thing is that she doesn't know how good she has it, and no one can tell her verbally. __________________

12-21-2005, 07:30 AM	#12
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	You go Doc! I feel like I'm in similar boat as you Lookout, only much less. Everyone tells me I should freeze her out, be calm cool and collected. Act aloof. Let her know that she really may not have you if she acts like an asshole. She may have someone else and be too weak and small a person to leave so she's trying to get you to do it. Fuck that! Let her deal with the situation she created. She wants out - let her leave. She wants a divorce - let her go and get it. I am desperately trying to learn the same principles. Cover your ass and your kids, cuz no matter what happens you'll always be Dad and as he grows he'll learn the truth about how this all went down, who cared for him and know who his true "parent" is! Last edited by yesman065; 12-21-2005 at 09:02 AM.

12-17-2005, 12:57 PM	#1
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	A) i'm not giving up yet. i have faith that all things can be resolved. B) i know that if this ends in divorce that i will survive. i know there are other fish in the sea. i know it is entirely possible that i will find another to my liking. my feeling though, is "why bother"? before we met, i was a serial dater. that was about the only think i was really, really good at during that time. i'm not talking just sex - i had a few dating relationships where i was the one they called to go to "upscale" locations and we never ended up in the sack. it was a lifestyle. one that i enjoyed. (the thought of it revolts me, now). all that changed the moment i met her. i had already had one date that day, and had another planned for that night. i met her and my life instantly changed. i felt it happen and knew it for what it was. 5 minutes later called my date for that night and canceled. i never believed in love at first sight or anything like that before then. i certainly wasn't looking for it. but for 7 years i have not had a thought or a decision that she didn't factor into somehow. a wonderful friend, excellent conversationalist, intelligent, well traveled, adventurous, wild, and the single best lover i have ever had, bar none. the thought of ever finding someone that compares to that experience... i don't know. Last edited by lookout123; 12-17-2005 at 04:59 PM.

12-18-2005, 06:04 AM	#2
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	A marvelous hint someone gave to me at about this point: if some aspect seems too overwhemling to consider, just don't consider it. The financial? The offspring? The future lifestyle? The fine details can wait until there's less to think about.

12-18-2005, 11:09 PM	#5
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	it is very difficult to operate normally with the 1000 lb elephant in the room. last night was great fun, hanging out, BSing, etc. we woke up and all was wellonlu fun family functions in the morning before church. church was great. we finally get back home and the little one is down for a nap. she was reading mail and i came up from behind and hugged her tightly. one thing led to another and we ended up having th best sex we've had in quite a while. she's been more friendly but distant since then. it is a roll of the dice to see what comes tomorrow.

12-19-2005, 12:36 AM	#6
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	It sounds very crazy making and difficult, Lookout. Sorry she is putting you through this.

12-21-2005, 04:24 AM	#11
Doctor Beren Kinda New Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1	Lookout, you don't know me, but this thread is just heartbreaking, and for what it's worth, my $0.02: Depressed people hate themselves, and your wife certainly sounds like she's depressed. If you hate yourself, you develop a certain contempt for people who adore you. I suspect this is at least part of what's happening. Continue with the counselling. But, at the same time, get a lawyer immediately and protect your assets. Refuse to move out. After all, she's the one who wants to be alone. She should be the one living in a cramped apartment, not you. Finally, I'd say you should connect how you treat her to her behavior. Don't be sweet and kind to her when she's feeding you all kinds of bullshit about never loving you or your not making enough money. Get mad; or freeze her out. Be selfish. It might suddenly hit her that, no, she can't count on your unconditional love for all eternity, and that you won't carry a torch for her forever after she's gone.

12-21-2005, 05:00 PM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Wecome to the Cellar, Doc Beren. Stick around, you'll find all kinds of interesting people here. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-21-2005, 06:39 PM	#14
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	No matter how hard you try there is no logic to this stuff. No tidy cause and effect. Kid is #1. Kid will always always be your family. Kid needs and loves you. Be your best strong, fair, loving, grownup Dad. Its a huge test. Like you, the wife is an adult and responsible for her own happiness. You're not to blame for her discontent, she is. Good luck, guy.

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