Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED

AUSSIES: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
CANADIANS: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
AMERICANS: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
BRITS: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

AUSSIES: Believe you should look out for your mates.
BRITS: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
AMERICANS: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
CANADIANS: Believe that that's the government's job.

AUSSIES: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
AMERICANS: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
CANADIANS: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
BRITS: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

AMERICANS: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
CANADIANS: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
BRITS: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
AUSSIES: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

AMERICANS: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
BRITS: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
CANADIANS: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
AUSSIES: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

AMERICANS: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
BRITS: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
CANADIANS: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
AUSSIES: Add "G'day" "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

BRITS: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AUSSIES: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AMERICANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.
CANADIANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.

AMERICANS: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
CANADIANS: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
BRITS: Drink warm, beery-tasting p*ss.
AUSSIES: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

AMERICANS: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
CANADIANS: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
BRITS: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
AUSSIES: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

[Carruthers]

..... and, I suspect, written by one of us frightfully nice British chaps.



Then again, perhaps not.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Carruthers

..... and, I suspect, written by one of us frightfully nice British chaps.

Then again, perhaps not.

Damifino, but it came from an Aussie site.

[Carruthers]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Damifino, but it came from an Aussie site.

That's different then.

They can take the blame/credit as applicable.

[DanaC]

Ha!

Couple of minor points:

@ Jim - that's an Irish man, not an English man.

@ Bruce - we pay a tax to watch tv regardless of the number of channels (I think there are around 50 'free' channels. More can be got through subscription but they still require the licence fee to be paid.

[Cyclefrance]

We used to be able to make fun of our various nationalities this side of the pond, but now we're prevented from doing so - PC and all that. But I'm sure there's some clause somewhere about it being OK to re-circulate jokes that were in existence before the law came into effect, you know, a bit like you can still buy and sell old ivory pre 1947 or something, and a few other things of a similar nature. Anyway, I'm going to take a chance. Found these at the bottom of a box that has done nothing but pass from one attic to another untouched until now, as we moved houses over the years. If you've heard them before, well tough titty, but I reckon these were born before most of you were even twinkles in your parents eyes - oh, and the fact they are all about the Irish is just coincidence, pure coincidence, could be about anyone...:


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are
only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

--------- --------- --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

--------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

-------------- ------------ --------------

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

----------------------------------------------------------

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'

[infinite monkey]

The first two made me lol.

[busterb]

Great sex

I had awesome early morning sex this morning!!!








Damn shame no one was here to share.

[Cyclefrance]

It's always heartening to learn that everything 'down there' is in good working order. Personally I have no major problems in this respect, and most especially with regards to its other and more regular function. At 6.00 am regular as clockwork, I can be confident that I wiil urinate without any problem whatsoever. It's just a bit inconvenient that I don't usually wake up until 6.30 am.

[Cyclefrance]

Something for hiccups (I wouldn't be surprised if you had seen this cure before)

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

Something for hiccups (I wouldn't be surprised if you had seen this cure before)

You may expect my soiled shorts in the mail, presently.

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

You may expect my soiled shorts in the mail, presently.

Kinky! :-)

[fargon]

You scared me CF.

[Cyclefrance]

Did you have hiccups?

[DanaC]

An oldie, but still makes me giggle: see whole list here: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.ph...ilOverlordList

My favourites:

Things I'll do if I ever become an Evil Overlord.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.