Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 267

BigV · 08-25-2011, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

The Weather Channel says yesterday’s east cost earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia.

It is now being called Obama’s Fault, though Obama says it’s really Bush’s Fault.

Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves, or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington.

hahahahahah good one!!!

GunMaster357 · 08-25-2011, 09:12 AM

Little Patrick asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes.

When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.

When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his mom asked him "What do you have in your hand?"

So little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room and his da came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

So again little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then his Da got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"

And little Patrick opened his hands and said, "Look Da you scared the crap out of him!"

UncaDollas · 08-28-2011, 03:02 AM

GunMaster357 · 08-28-2011, 06:52 AM

"Oh shit!" Smart guy got it in one...

Well, shit happens.

TheMercenary · 09-02-2011, 10:47 AM

Baptizing an Irishman

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,

hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time
holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about,
he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

infinite monkey · 09-02-2011, 10:57 AM

Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual.

TheMercenary · 09-02-2011, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual.

infinite monkey · 09-02-2011, 10:57 AM

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

BigV · 09-02-2011, 11:28 AM

*guffaw*

Gravdigr · 09-02-2011, 05:05 PM

I cackled at Tom Jones Syndrome!

Momdigr will love this one, she is/was a Tom Jones nut.

Gravdigr · 09-04-2011, 02:16 PM

That was, uh...something.

GunMaster357 · 09-05-2011, 08:47 AM

The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:

Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"

Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paper clipped"

footfootfoot · 09-05-2011, 10:30 AM

Harass is not two words

DanaC · 09-05-2011, 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

Harass is not two words

*chuckles*

I like that one.

classicman · 09-05-2011, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

Harass is not two words

but Her ass is.

08-25-2011, 09:12 AM	#2
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Little Patrick asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?" Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away." He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" So little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him "What do you have in your hand?" So little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his da came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?" So again little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Da got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!" And little Patrick opened his hands and said, "Look Da you scared the crap out of him!" __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

08-28-2011, 06:52 AM	#4
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	"Oh shit!" Smart guy got it in one... Well, shit happens. __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

09-02-2011, 10:47 AM	#5
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Baptizing an Irishman An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

09-02-2011, 11:28 AM	#9
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	guffaw __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

09-02-2011, 05:05 PM	#10
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	I cackled at Tom Jones Syndrome! Momdigr will love this one, she is/was a Tom Jones nut. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

08-28-2011, 03:02 AM	#3
UncaDollas Banned Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 72

09-02-2011, 10:57 AM	#6
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual.

09-04-2011, 02:16 PM	#11
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	That was, uh...something. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

09-05-2011, 08:47 AM	#12
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary: Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?" Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paper clipped" __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

09-05-2011, 10:30 AM	#13
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Harass is not two words __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

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