Humor...I Need Humor...

[TheMercenary]

An Idaho rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.


"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."


"Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?"


"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."


"Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."


The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.

[TheMercenary]

Some say it was invented by the Romans in 269AD, and institutionalized through St Valentine’s cousin,
Claudius Fellatio. Others suggest that when World War II ended in 1945, president Harry S. Truman had the FBI covertly
spread the word to act as a “welcome home” for the troops. All we really know, is that Steak and BJ Day is pretty damn awesome.
The overarching theory is one of “Man’s Valentine’s Day.” You know the drill. Every 14th of February men
get the chance to display their fondness for a significant other by showering them with gifts, flowers, dinner, and
many other romantic baubles. They rack their brains for that one special gift that will show their spouse
that they truly care.

Well here’s a little secret: men feel a tad left out.

They’re just too proud or too embarrassed to admit it. Sure seeing that smile on their face is priceless,
but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Which is why this very holiday was created.
March 14th is henceforth “Steak and Blowjob Day.” Simple, effective and self explanatory;
this holiday has been created so that the ladies can show their man how much they truly care for him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name explains it all: just a steak and a BJ. That’s it.
Not only will Steak and Blowjob Day be joyous day of sensuality for the men, but it will even instigate
more effort during February for the women! It’s win win, gentlemen and ladies.

Damm, I just missed it by a day!

[plthijinx]

.

[footfootfoot]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window- 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says.

'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".

'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end.

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says.

'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, I fucking wrote it!!!'

[Flint]

I lol'd

[GunMaster357]

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”

The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?









The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead!)

[BrianR]

Smart Police Dogs



A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[Gravdigr]

.

[morethanpretty]

[Gravdigr]

!

[TheMercenary]

That was good....

[UncaDollas]

[Gravdigr]

/

[jimhelm]

The following questions were seen in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............ and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head



.

[toranokaze]

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists


But that one is right