Humor...I Need Humor...

[skysidhe]

[capnhowdy]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and
You are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
Arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been
Prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

[Pie]

I lulzed.

[Nirvana]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my
husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

[classicman]

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumbsucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

"She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

[lumberjim]

A man escaped from prison where he has been
for 15 years. He broke into a house to look for money and
guns and found a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out
of the bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to
the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets
up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers
to his wife, 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict
- look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him
no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
very dangerous... If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you.

To which the wife responds, 'He
wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He
told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you, too

[Nirvana]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
"You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic".

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish".

[Nirvana]

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two chunks of bread.

[jester]

Knock,knock.
Who's there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juan
Juan who?
Juan more ether bunny?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin other Ether Bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Samoa
Samoa who?
Samoa Ether Bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Beryl
Beryl who?
Beryl of ether bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dewey
Dewey who?

Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo "beep, beep"...run over all the ether bunnies.

Thee end

[Sheldonrs]

"Ether" thtop telling that joke or thuffer the conthequenthes!

[Shawnee123]

My nieces are going to LOVE those knock knock jokes when I tell them on Sunday! Thanks.

[Nirvana]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell
you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last
words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.


I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told
me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw
them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear
just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my
understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Nirvana]

Oh- one more test.

Find the 44th USA President.

[Shawnee123]

LOL...I love that one, Nirvana!

[Nirvana]

- Find the C below. Do not use the cursor to help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you
found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999969999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3- Now find the N below. It's a Littlemore difficult..

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer's. Congratulations!