The more things change ...

[orthodoc]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Ortho, you might be interested in this book review.

Thanks, Bruce. Yes, it's true - I believe we never regret our children. I know I don't. Each is unique, amazing, and challenging. Parenting is an experience I've never regretted. Some of my decisions during that time? Sure. But never the decision to become a parent.

What we have left - as us - is much less than what we had when we married ... to paraphrase a quote from the article ... I find this ironic in the extreme. My difficulty lies in wondering whether, had I left before my two younger children were born, my two oldest children would have been healthy, happy adults. Should I wish my two youngest unborn? How could I do that?

And the quote from the mother of the schizophrenic child ... of course I was more frivolous before my oldest was handed that diagnosis. But I still wonder, would my child have become schizophrenic if I'd left immediately, when there was just neglect, before the active abuse started? If I'd just refused to tolerate my ex organizing his life as if he were still single, if I'd refused to tolerate him leaving us out of his schedule other than expecting dinner and sex on a regular basis? That was before he started in on me and the kids in earnest; it was just selfishness then. If I'd left before the worst happened, would my oldest son be happy and healthy now? Is his diagnosis really schizophrenia, or do his problems stem exclusively, as he believes, from his father's abuse? If I had left sooner, would my second son not have developed borderline personality disorder and become addicted to whatever substance is most convenient?

Where do genes leave off? Where does environment take over? What was outside my control and what is my permanent responsibility? To whom, if anyone, am I accountable for the burdens my children bear?

I can decide to protect myself, to draw boundaries and let my second son know what's not acceptable. This is probably healthy; it will probably help him in his future relationships, if not in his relationship with me. But is this not still self-centered, even if it has benefits for him? If I failed in my responsibility to my children during the years of abuse, through not managing to identify, label, and solve the problem quickly, are my two oldest sons not right in holding me to account?