need advice really really bad - Page 5

staceyv · 02-13-2004, 04:17 PM

the anal beads weren't used on me....

FileNotFound · 02-13-2004, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by staceyv
the anal beads weren't used on me....

Oooh...

Well no wonder you're so upset.

warch · 02-13-2004, 04:20 PM

he's paying off my credit cards and buying me a diamond to make up for mental suffering he has caused me...how's that?

Pretty sad.

staceyv · 02-13-2004, 04:22 PM

yes, it is sad.....whatever.it won't make up for it. it won't make me feel happy..filenotfound, i used the anal beads on him and they hurt, okay? i am through with this conversation!!

Undertoad · 02-13-2004, 04:33 PM

Stuff like that should come with user manuals.

because users should come with manual stuff like that

staceyv · 02-13-2004, 04:38 PM

guys, what would you do if it was YOU...honestly. i don't feel like i am capable of making a rational decision about anything. i made an appointment with a therapist..i can't deal with this on my own, and i won't tell my family or co-workers, because it is embarrassing. they all think we are so great together. even the guys he works with don't know my name..he calls me honey. it was so perfect and now it's so screwed up. what would you do in my shoes, seriously? it's so easy to say "get over it" or "dump his ass!" i can't do either right now.

Artie Greene · 02-13-2004, 04:44 PM

Ok, Stacey, I think you've either pulled a huge gag on all of us who responded with caring advice.

What you're doing is contrary to the way I solve my problems, but hey! There's more than one way to skin a cat. Are you getting any of this in writing? Talk is cheap, honey. He'll pay off your credit cards and give you a diamond to make up for his shortcomings? I am not convinced.

If the promise of a mere $8,000 and a diamond ring is enough to justify that fact that you've messed up your mind and heart; all the while making a mockery of holy matrimony, it sounds like you're extremely shallow, and a very cheap date.

warch · 02-13-2004, 04:46 PM

Talk to him until you are satisfied. Repeat as long as needed. Act to protect yourself when indicated.

Riddil · 02-13-2004, 04:49 PM

All I have to say is... at least I'm not the guy who's scheduled to come post to a thread where your wife admitted she used anal beads. On you. And they hurt.

Me? I'd probably duck my head in the sand and forget the whole thing ever happened. "Baby, I love you and all, but you gotta stop telling people about the things I stick up my ass."

juju · 02-13-2004, 04:53 PM

Relationships are based on trust. If you can't get it, the whole thing is sunk.

All men think about fucking other women, though. To think otherwise is silly. It's just our nature. The true test of loyalty is if he actually does anything physical with her. If he actually fucks her (or kisses her, or whatever), then he has broken your trust. As of now, he's just fantasizing, which all men can't help but do.

Remember, he's just a man. Give him some leeway. I mean, he hasn't actually done anything yet.

staceyv · 02-13-2004, 04:55 PM

really, there is no amount of money in the world that could make up for the pain of finding out that he was using me.

that is a direct quote from an earlier post. i am angry, okay. OF COURSE i don't want us to be a lie! the marriage i thought i had and our happiness and future is WAY more important than material shit. if i even cared about material things, i would never have married him. he made little money as a painter, no car, was getting evicted, couldn't go to school or get a good job because of citizenship issues. i married him for pure love. don't accuse me of being shallow. if anything, i am an IDIOT. not shallow, but definitely lacking in decision making skills. but my love was very very blind. this is about love. i am looking for any way to make myself feel better. any way to rationalize staying with him, because the truth is, i don't want to be without him, but i also don't want to feel like a sucker. it's hard to explain. also, what if he was using me?? in that case, i would want him to pay! i wouldn't want to be used as a sucker for free. but, if he really loves me and will stay with me, him paying off my debt is also helping him, because it is "our" debt and if we ever want to buy a car or a house, it would have to go under my name. his credit is completely ruined.

Undertoad · 02-13-2004, 04:59 PM

Your idea of going to a therapist is exactly right on. You can get a lot of voices here which can be supportive and/or try to give you ideas and opinions. But we ain't pros at it.

staceyv · 02-13-2004, 05:00 PM

riddil, he won't read all of this. i would be surprised if he did. besides, he tries to discredit all the advice you guys are giving me by saying i don't know what kind of people i'm talking to...so he probably wouldn't care what you guys think about the anal beads.
i guess i really don't know you guys, but i can tell when someone is giving me mature advice with good intentions, as a few of you have. if anything, he will laugh if he sees that.

kerosene · 02-13-2004, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by staceyv
also, what if he was using me?? in that case, i would want him to pay! i wouldn't want to be used as a sucker for free.

I don't see this kind of thing as truly vindictive or shallow. Knowing what you are feeling about this, it is an emotional reaction to the situation. You feel hurt, decieved, etc and your mode of defense is this sort of lashing out "Well, I don't care about you anyway!" thing. I think it is pretty normal to react that way. I am sorry you have this delimma in front of you...it looks, no doubt, like an extremely difficult one.

I agree with Undertoad. A counselor might be able to help you sort out your feelings. Sounds like they are pretty overwhelming right now.

Undertoad · 02-13-2004, 05:13 PM

Here's another thing; you feel terrible right now, yesterday and today, but you aren't always going to feel this way.

In another few days, you'll feel differently. The pain and shock will be gone and you'll be in another place... still maybe not the best place, but better than it is now.

One of the foundations for your relationship has been yanked out from under you. What you need to do is to look at the relationship as it is now, and take some time to see what you think of what it is for you today. You've loved the idea of what you had; what will you do with nothing but the man remaining, with all the ideas and history trashed?

If at the end of that time, you still feel like the man is meaningful and valuable to you, you'll then decide to rebuild that foundation. If you find that it isn't so meaningful to you today, maybe it never was to begin with, and you'll have to bitterly move on.

I guess the main thing is, you don't have to do anything right away, you don't have to make any quick decisions.

Life is like this: you plan for it to go a certain way, you DREAM for it to go a certain way, and then it throws you the big curve ball. Life plays with us and toys with us. Life builds beautiful mirages of dreams, and then shatters those mirages and laughs at us as we cry over losing what we never even had. And then, sometimes, life turns around and reminds you of what's so great about it. Fills you with glory and excitement and beauty.

In the long run, you'll find that it wasn't which path you were on all along, whether it was the planned path or the accidental path, the path of your dreams or the worst nightmare... life isn't about those paths, so much as it is about the flowers along the path.

And every day a fresh set of them, and every day different.

02-13-2004, 04:44 PM	#7
Artie Greene Resident-in-Training Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 7	Is this for real? Ok, Stacey, I think you've either pulled a huge gag on all of us who responded with caring advice. What you're doing is contrary to the way I solve my problems, but hey! There's more than one way to skin a cat. Are you getting any of this in writing? Talk is cheap, honey. He'll pay off your credit cards and give you a diamond to make up for his shortcomings? I am not convinced. If the promise of a mere $8,000 and a diamond ring is enough to justify that fact that you've messed up your mind and heart; all the while making a mockery of holy matrimony, it sounds like you're extremely shallow, and a very cheap date.

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02-13-2004, 04:17 PM	#1
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	the anal beads weren't used on me....

02-13-2004, 04:20 PM	#3
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	he's paying off my credit cards and buying me a diamond to make up for mental suffering he has caused me...how's that? Pretty sad.

02-13-2004, 04:22 PM	#4
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	yes, it is sad.....whatever.it won't make up for it. it won't make me feel happy..filenotfound, i used the anal beads on him and they hurt, okay? i am through with this conversation!!

02-13-2004, 04:33 PM	#5
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Stuff like that should come with user manuals. because users should come with manual stuff like that

02-13-2004, 04:38 PM	#6
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	guys, what would you do if it was YOU...honestly. i don't feel like i am capable of making a rational decision about anything. i made an appointment with a therapist..i can't deal with this on my own, and i won't tell my family or co-workers, because it is embarrassing. they all think we are so great together. even the guys he works with don't know my name..he calls me honey. it was so perfect and now it's so screwed up. what would you do in my shoes, seriously? it's so easy to say "get over it" or "dump his ass!" i can't do either right now.

02-13-2004, 04:46 PM	#8
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	Talk to him until you are satisfied. Repeat as long as needed. Act to protect yourself when indicated.

02-13-2004, 04:49 PM	#9
Riddil Management Consultant Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 165	All I have to say is... at least I'm not the guy who's scheduled to come post to a thread where your wife admitted she used anal beads. On you. And they hurt. Me? I'd probably duck my head in the sand and forget the whole thing ever happened. "Baby, I love you and all, but you gotta stop telling people about the things I stick up my ass."

02-13-2004, 04:53 PM	#10
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	Relationships are based on trust. If you can't get it, the whole thing is sunk. All men think about fucking other women, though. To think otherwise is silly. It's just our nature. The true test of loyalty is if he actually does anything physical with her. If he actually fucks her (or kisses her, or whatever), then he has broken your trust. As of now, he's just fantasizing, which all men can't help but do. Remember, he's just a man. Give him some leeway. I mean, he hasn't actually done anything yet.

02-13-2004, 04:55 PM	#11
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	really, there is no amount of money in the world that could make up for the pain of finding out that he was using me. that is a direct quote from an earlier post. i am angry, okay. OF COURSE i don't want us to be a lie! the marriage i thought i had and our happiness and future is WAY more important than material shit. if i even cared about material things, i would never have married him. he made little money as a painter, no car, was getting evicted, couldn't go to school or get a good job because of citizenship issues. i married him for pure love. don't accuse me of being shallow. if anything, i am an IDIOT. not shallow, but definitely lacking in decision making skills. but my love was very very blind. this is about love. i am looking for any way to make myself feel better. any way to rationalize staying with him, because the truth is, i don't want to be without him, but i also don't want to feel like a sucker. it's hard to explain. also, what if he was using me?? in that case, i would want him to pay! i wouldn't want to be used as a sucker for free. but, if he really loves me and will stay with me, him paying off my debt is also helping him, because it is "our" debt and if we ever want to buy a car or a house, it would have to go under my name. his credit is completely ruined.

02-13-2004, 04:59 PM	#12
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Your idea of going to a therapist is exactly right on. You can get a lot of voices here which can be supportive and/or try to give you ideas and opinions. But we ain't pros at it.

02-13-2004, 05:00 PM	#13
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	riddil, he won't read all of this. i would be surprised if he did. besides, he tries to discredit all the advice you guys are giving me by saying i don't know what kind of people i'm talking to...so he probably wouldn't care what you guys think about the anal beads. i guess i really don't know you guys, but i can tell when someone is giving me mature advice with good intentions, as a few of you have. if anything, he will laugh if he sees that.

02-13-2004, 05:13 PM	#15
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Here's another thing; you feel terrible right now, yesterday and today, but you aren't always going to feel this way. In another few days, you'll feel differently. The pain and shock will be gone and you'll be in another place... still maybe not the best place, but better than it is now. One of the foundations for your relationship has been yanked out from under you. What you need to do is to look at the relationship as it is now, and take some time to see what you think of what it is for you today. You've loved the idea of what you had; what will you do with nothing but the man remaining, with all the ideas and history trashed? If at the end of that time, you still feel like the man is meaningful and valuable to you, you'll then decide to rebuild that foundation. If you find that it isn't so meaningful to you today, maybe it never was to begin with, and you'll have to bitterly move on. I guess the main thing is, you don't have to do anything right away, you don't have to make any quick decisions. Life is like this: you plan for it to go a certain way, you DREAM for it to go a certain way, and then it throws you the big curve ball. Life plays with us and toys with us. Life builds beautiful mirages of dreams, and then shatters those mirages and laughs at us as we cry over losing what we never even had. And then, sometimes, life turns around and reminds you of what's so great about it. Fills you with glory and excitement and beauty. In the long run, you'll find that it wasn't which path you were on all along, whether it was the planned path or the accidental path, the path of your dreams or the worst nightmare... life isn't about those paths, so much as it is about the flowers along the path. And every day a fresh set of them, and every day different.

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