tests for potential relationships

[Flint]

"Tests?" No. It's an organic process; it can't be "gamed" to maximize benefit and minimize disappointment. You're doing it wrong.

[it]

Originally Posted by Flint

"Tests?" No. It's an organic process; it can't be "gamed" to maximize benefit and minimize disappointment. You're doing it wrong.

being an organic process can be a good thing or a bad thing.

you can organically fall inlove and have 12-18 months of being high on love hormones reinforced by beautiful sex and bonding moments and convincing your brain to invest more and more of your life in the relationship and that's the mother/father of your future children, only to have it fade and find out that when it comes down to it that person has critical traits you don't really want to live with.

for me, that trait was the incapacity to incorporate other point of views into her understanding of the situation and her actions.

and the results of that trait where nightmarish:
1) a complete incapacity of admiting or thinking of what she does as wrong because it is hurting someone she says she loves.
2) an incapacity to understand the situation given all the perspectives involved and thus the context of her actions.
3) me loosing respect for her as a mother given her lack of capacity to see her own actions in light of child's point of view.

so next time before anything happens organically, i want to make sure that person doesn't have that trait, not because it can't happen with that trait - i know it can - but because i don't want it to.

[Flint]

Originally Posted by traceur

being an organic process can be a good thing or a bad thing.

you can organically fall inlove and have 12-18 months of being high on love hormones reinforced by beautiful sex and bonding moments and convincing your brain to invest more and more of your life in the relationship and that's the mother/father of your future children, only to have it fade and find out that when it comes down to it that person has critical traits you don't really want to live with.

for me, that trait was the incapacity to incorporate other point of views into her understanding of the situation and her actions.

and the results of that trait where nightmarish:
1) a complete incapacity of admiting or thinking of what she does as wrong because it is hurting someone she says she loves.
2) an incapacity to understand the situation given all the perspectives involved and thus the context of her actions.
3) me loosing respect for her as a mother given her lack of capacity to see her own actions in light of child's point of view.

so next time before anything happens organically, i want to make sure that person doesn't have that trait, not because it can't happen with that trait - i know it can - but because i don't want it to.

Understood, but I don't believe you can "test" a person to make these kinds of determinations. If by "test" you mean a proactive, contrived scenario designed to probe a person's inner workings.

[classicman]

But was he hunting a squirrel on a tree while wearing the plaid?

[Rrrraven]

Not only hunting, but circling. I didn't notice the plaid. Go figure.

[DanaC]

Trace: you're over thinking it hon. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. There's no magic formula. Sometimes you go into a relationship and just know it's right. And it works. Sometimes you go into a relationship and know it's right....and then 18 months later you're picking bits of your shattered heart out of the carpet.

Then again, you could meet someone and it be turmoil and arguments all the way, and yet somehow the relationship survives through the decades.

The thing maybe to learn from your experience, isn't so much to do with what flaws the next person may or may not have, but that moving in together was a bigger step than perhaps either had truly realised. And that the circumstances of that first experience of living together can have a profound bearing on how the relationship pans out.

That and maybe catching some warning signs that you maybe would have missed before. Stuff like, 'I only ever thought I was in love before, this time I know it's real'...kind of thing.

I doubt it will do you any harm to employ a little caution. Not so much on whether to try for a relationship with someone, but perhaps more cautious about how much 'power' you give away in order to move the relationship on, and perhaps the speed with which that happens.

I also think, and correct me if I am wrong, or tell me off this is too personal (;p) but try to avoid girls who you feel need rescuing, fixing, or nurturing because they're damaged. because all too often the end result of that is that they end up with boosted self esteem and you become the person who got them there, not the one who gets to share it with them.

What you need, imo, is something uncomplicated and fun. No major expectations. Just a little healing and mutual enjoyment. Leave the life partner thing for another time. You've time enough for something lighter.

[it]

Originally Posted by DanaC

I also think, and correct me if I am wrong, or tell me off this is too personal (;p) but try to avoid girls who you feel need rescuing, fixing, or nurturing because they're damaged. because all too often the end result of that is that they end up with boosted self esteem and you become the person who got them there, not the one who gets to share it with them.

well, the end result sort of happened, but i don't think i wanted to be the guy coming to the rescue as much as the guy who was already in there and saw stuff that need's fixing and nutrturing because.. well, because he didn't like the consequances of it not being fixed.

Originally Posted by DanaC

What you need, imo, is something uncomplicated and fun. No major expectations. Just a little healing and mutual enjoyment. Leave the life partner thing for another time. You've time enough for something lighter.

that's so freaking true you have no idea.

[Sundae]

I dreamed about the evil ex last night.
I blame this thread.

[Griff]

We're celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary today, I credit this thread.

[classicman]

Congrats Griff!!

[Aliantha]

My husband is the complete opposite of any other man I was ever seriously involved with before. It's working pretty well.

If I'd applied what I thought was my criteria I'd still be getting involved with dickheads.

I think when you find the person you are meant to be with or who you fit best with or whatever euphemism you want to use for a successful relationship, you start to realise that what you thought you wanted or needed maybe wasn't that important after all.

There's really no way to logically explain the process other than to say that when the dust settles and you're out of the whirlwind stage, it becomes a choice. I honestly believe that you choose to love someone because they're the best fit for you, and if they choose you back, then you have something special. You just have to keep choosing each other through good times and bad. When you stop deciding to choose your partner, it's all over red rover.

That's why when some couples break up, one is usually left saying, 'I never saw it coming', because the other person simply stopped choosing their partner but they forgot to say anything till it was too late.

[regular.joe]

Lamplighter, that is awesome!

[Pete Zicato]

This has been an interesting thread. Some dwellars that I think of as hard-headed realists get all mystical when it comes to romance.

Certainly the attraction/heat/chemistry is necessary to a relationship and that's the component that can't be predicted or measured. But chemistry isn't sufficient alone for a rewarding stable relationship. You also have to be compatible.

If you can be honest with yourself about your needs, desires, quirks, habits both bad and good, etc. then there are number of things you can do to tell if you are compatible with another person. In my opinion, this doesn't take the romance from a relationship, it reinforces it with a firm foundation.

Western society has gotten so caught up in the chemistry of love, that many people think that's all that's necessary.

[infinite monkey]

My ex and I identified people by what they drank. "You know, Bob...drinks bourbon and seven, with lemon, likes to keep the old ice from drink to drink."

"Oh yeah! BOB!"

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

My ex and I identified people by what they drank. "You know, Bob...drinks bourbon and seven, with lemon, likes to keep the old ice from drink to drink."

"Oh yeah! BOB!"

good goad, I did that, too!