Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 129

TheMercenary · 07-28-2008, 07:31 AM

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the
corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign
saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the
parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks, 'What may we do for you ! My son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing
business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is
soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun
instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it
shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Crimson Ghost · 07-28-2008, 05:28 PM

Moviprep and vodka....

That's not a good idea.

When you take Moviprep, you want ALL of your faculties about you...

BrianR · 07-29-2008, 10:25 AM

Agreed.

You do NOT want to have slow reactions or stumble or, God forbid, pass out whilst that stuff is working through you.

Shawnee123 · 07-29-2008, 10:27 AM

So, maybe just a little bit of vodka?

Sheldonrs · 07-29-2008, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

So, maybe just a little bit of vodka?

Sure. So long as you don't mind a little bit of crap seepage. haha

Shawnee123 · 07-29-2008, 11:07 AM

I'll just sit in my bathtub with a pint o' vodka. Pics to follow...not.

skysidhe · 07-29-2008, 11:18 AM

Something for us who will remain during the apocalypse.

Sundae · 07-29-2008, 11:45 AM

I admit. I'm anti-gun. But if the zombie apocalypse comes down I'd kinda hope it was when I was at Forks.

Undertoad · 07-29-2008, 12:44 PM

They'll be no help, they only have handguns. What you really need for zombies is a shotgun!

skysidhe · 07-29-2008, 01:06 PM

I have a BB gun.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-29-2008, 11:53 PM

Is that bigger than a B gun?

skysidhe · 07-30-2008, 01:33 AM

I've never seen a B or a BBB gun and wikki couldn't tell me anything about size except the air rifle's BB's arn't lethal.

darn, rats * snapping fingers *

I bet a well placed pumped up shot would hurt close range though!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

They'll be no help, they only have handguns. What you really need for zombies is a shotgun!

*thinking* lol you mean they don't really sell those spine cleaving machettes!

xoxoxoBruce · 07-30-2008, 11:17 AM

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

jester · 07-30-2008, 03:31 PM

A midget walks into an elevator and sees a really big black man.

The midget say, "Wow you're a big guy, what's your name"?

The black man replies, "Turner Brown".

The midget passes out on the floor. Stunned, Turner Brown reaches down and shakes the midget until he wakes up. The midget then asks again, "What did you say your name was"?

The man replies, "Turner Brown".

"Oh", the midget says, "I thought you said Turn Around".

DanaC · 07-30-2008, 05:43 PM

Stand-up comedian Lee Mack. Merkins may find the first 30 seconds or so difficult to follow as he's putting on a Geordie accent and the first 15 seconds are finishing a joke from part one......but after that its funny

07-28-2008, 07:31 AM	#1
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you ! My son? ' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

07-28-2008, 05:28 PM	#2
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	Moviprep and vodka.... That's not a good idea. When you take Moviprep, you want ALL of your faculties about you... __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

07-29-2008, 10:25 AM	#3
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Agreed. You do NOT want to have slow reactions or stumble or, God forbid, pass out whilst that stuff is working through you. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

07-29-2008, 10:27 AM	#4
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	So, maybe just a little bit of vodka? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

07-29-2008, 11:07 AM	#6
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I'll just sit in my bathtub with a pint o' vodka. Pics to follow...not. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

07-29-2008, 11:18 AM	#7
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Something for us who will remain during the apocalypse. Last edited by skysidhe; 07-29-2008 at 11:24 AM.

07-29-2008, 11:45 AM	#8
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	I admit. I'm anti-gun. But if the zombie apocalypse comes down I'd kinda hope it was when I was at Forks.

07-29-2008, 12:44 PM	#9
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	They'll be no help, they only have handguns. What you really need for zombies is a shotgun!

07-29-2008, 01:06 PM	#10
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	I have a BB gun.

07-29-2008, 11:53 PM	#11
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Is that bigger than a B gun? __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-30-2008, 11:17 AM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.' Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-30-2008, 03:31 PM	#14
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A midget walks into an elevator and sees a really big black man. The midget say, "Wow you're a big guy, what's your name"? The black man replies, "Turner Brown". The midget passes out on the floor. Stunned, Turner Brown reaches down and shakes the midget until he wakes up. The midget then asks again, "What did you say your name was"? The man replies, "Turner Brown". "Oh", the midget says, "I thought you said Turn Around".

07-30-2008, 05:43 PM	#15
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Stand-up comedian Lee Mack. Merkins may find the first 30 seconds or so difficult to follow as he's putting on a Geordie accent and the first 15 seconds are finishing a joke from part one......but after that its funny

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