Speaking in tongues is not an option!

Flint · 03-20-2008, 09:23 PM

In Acts 2:38-40, we are told to ‘Repent, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord shall call……Save yourselves from this untoward generation’. Only moments earlier, the disciples received the Holy Ghost and spoke with other tongues (languages) as the Spirit gave them utterance. It is through receiving the Holy Ghost that you can know God, and have a personal relationship with him. You will receive a knowledge and understanding of his plan and purpose, and have the assurance of knowing your saved.

God’s judgement hasn’t changed; neither has his salvation. God is still filling people with the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues today, as he did nearly 2,000 years ago as they respond to and obey his word. Judgement (death), or salvation (life). The choice is yours. Turn to the Lord now and save yourselves from his wrath to come.

lookout123 · 03-20-2008, 10:13 PM

Flint... buddy, step away from the doobie.

smoothmoniker · 03-20-2008, 11:52 PM

... are we really talking about this, or are you just copy/pasting a shitstorm?

lookout123 · 03-20-2008, 11:55 PM

i have a hard time believing this is a subject that would really grab flint.

smoothmoniker · 03-20-2008, 11:57 PM

Maybe he got some Jesus.

xoxoxoBruce · 03-21-2008, 12:47 AM

Maybe the church's check, for his last gig, bounced.

Sundae · 03-21-2008, 09:12 AM

I used to go to a church where people spoke in tongues.
Every person had their own set phrase or pattern that was repeated, even though they were supposed to be spiritually inspired. The word my mentor uttered every couple of words sounded like chocalatl.

Maybe it's a sign of divine humour.

Shawnee123 · 03-21-2008, 09:25 AM

Iweffe, lpoweert hib gobrew loquawed nudgy wuxnisl? JTIO poren dwetreuw nhbisden!

Clodfobble · 03-21-2008, 09:28 AM

Originally "speaking in tongues" literally meant speaking in a genuine foreign language (that they had supposedly never learned,) as was verifiable by others in the crowd who spoke that language natively. But they don't let that stop them: I have spoken to people who are clearly babbling nonsense, and yet insist it is a foreign tongue, they (and I, by obvious extension) just don't know which one. "Probably an African language, you know, they're a lot less complex than ours are."

HungLikeJesus · 03-21-2008, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothmoniker

Maybe he got some Jesus.

You're not dragging me into this, are you?

Undertoad · 03-21-2008, 11:37 AM

Acts 1-9 - Toad's Notes

(as stated by the author of Acts)

1

OK, I wanted to jot down everything Jesus was saying and doing, until he climbed aboard the big elevator to the sky.

Remember, when we last checked in, dude was a Holy Ghost, they killed the guy and he came back, his business wasn't done; and he told us we shouldn't leave Jerusalem, but wait for his dad to make it obvious that we're, like, the special ones in His Kingdom.

So we asked him about making Israel the Top Place in the world, and he explained that this was up to his Dad, but that we'd get great power just by being the ones who believed in him.

And that was it; up the elevator he went.

2

So we went back to Jerusalem, about a hundred of us, and prayed until Peter took the lead. He explained that look, Judas was our main bad guy; that asshole took our church money and turned in our savior and then used the money to buy land; and then when he was walking on that land he fell and impaled himself and... his guts fell out!

So that's the field of blood now, and nobody should live there. But the rest of us, we should get our board members together... let's see, our top man took the elevator to heaven, and we all know what happened to Judas; let's pick two more guys to sit on our Executive Board.

Now having gotten our shit together, all of a sudden we were all speaking in tongues, cos the spirit got into us. All the other people around were like, WTF is this? These idiots are drunk! But Peter yelled at them, drunk? It's only 10 in the morning! These are the END DAYS and we are CHOSEN, that's why we can suddenly understand this new language. A lot of shit is gonna go down and we are the top people. In fact God said we can just sit around and he'll make our enemies into OTTOMANS.

It's awesome what we have, just getting all this power because we believed that Jesus was The Man and came back around as a Holy Ghost, so now we should go around and try to convince everyone else how great it is.

And so we did, and we got pretty good at it, we got 3000 people to believe, and we set up a cool commune where everybody lived in a kind of happy socialism, and the whole thing continued to grow.

Undertoad · 03-21-2008, 11:39 AM

3

So about 4 o'clock, Peter and John head to the temple, and some guy is BEGGING outside because his legs don't work. They never worked since he was born. And Peter was like, money? Dude we live in a commune. But if you believe the stuff we believe, you could walk.

And damn if he didn't stand right up. Somehow his bones got fixed right there and then.

And when people saw that, they were like dude! They all came around to ask WTF, and Peter told 'em: check it, that's what you get if you hang with us. You Jew assholes believed in Judas. But even your own books tell you that someday God will put his power into a regular dude. Well that dude was Jesus.

4

Boom! Now we got 5000 people listening. And Peter keeps on explaining, just like that lame guy, anybody can get this kind of power if they believe Jesus was the guy God sent. And this is the only way you get this kind of power. If you think God sent somebody else, you're fucked.

After Peter was done, the people were hanging around outside: and they figured, hey, these guys seem pretty sure of themselves and they didn't even finish the 6th grade. It sure looks like they fixed that lame guy. There must be something to this. But we're Jews, and if this Jesus nonsense spreads it could be trouble. Let's get the cops involved and pass a law, get them to stop.

But Peter and John were like "Stop? All we're doing is telling people what we saw and heard. That lame guy was like 44 years old BTW."

Some people were like, 44! I guess they have a point. Let's join em. Then we can heal people too.

And so they did, and now there's like another 5000 people believing and living in this kind of happy socialism.

And even better, people are selling their land and giving us all the money for it.

Undertoad · 03-21-2008, 11:40 AM

5

This one guy sold his land and only gave us part of the money for it. And Peter found out about it, YELLED at him and the guy DIED RIGHT THERE!

Three hours later his wife comes in, not knowing what happened; and Peter's all like, you knew about this didn't you? You sold it for 5000 and you only gave us 2500. You were part of it! Well look, under the curtain, there's your husband's feet, he's fucking DEAD!

And whaddya know, SHE died right then and there as well!

Well! Once people heard about that, they were all like, we're with you people, you got some mad mojo going on. We are WITH you and, uh by the way, we heard about that 44-year-old dude you fixed; can you fix my gramma as well? Sure enough they brought all their sick and lame people around and just by being NEAR Peter, every single one of them was completely fixed.

As you might think, the opposition was getting pretty ticked off at this point, and they came and took the Executive Board off to jail. Of course that wasn't going anywhere... in the middle of the night an angel was sent to open the prison door and everybody just walked right out. The prison guards said, "Uh we didn't see anything and we were right here by the doors all night, but somehow they got out."

So the Jew opposition got their cops and went to Peter's temple; and they were all like, didn't we make a LAW that you guys weren't supposed to teach people about this Jesus guy? And Peter said, "Laws pfft, we answer to God's law not yours."

The cops talked amongst themselves: what a hassle! Should we just kill these assholes?

But one of the top Jew lawyers pointed out that, in the past, other groups got together under their own crazy belief systems, and eventually it didn't work out for them and they died, so it's no big deal that these assholes have this system.

So instead of killing them, the cops just beat the shit out of the Executive Board and told them to stop converting people. And even though the Board was all totally jazzed that they got beat up for Jesus, they quit the converting non-believers for a while.

Undertoad · 03-21-2008, 11:41 AM

6

So the Board figures, OK, it's no good we have to leave God and go become like waiters and stuff. What we do next is, we find 7 of our best believers and get them to go on preaching and healing 44-year-old guys.

Well of course it worked and we kept on getting new people. In particular, this new guy Stephen was totally great at it. He'd heal, he'd debate people, he was in the zone.

Of course the Jews found out about it and were pissed. This Stephen guy is telling everyone that our old testament laws are crap! So they brought him in to ask him about it.

7

Well Stephen kicked ass again. "Remember all that stuff UT summarized in Deuteronomy? Remember how they told you to cut the skin off your dicks and you did, and then you got all powerful? Remember how that Moses guy did all that stuff? Well, aren't you like being just like the Egyptians if you kill us? Aren't you Jews just being a bunch of hypocrites?"

But it only pissed them off worse, and they took him out of the town and stoned him to death.

Undertoad · 03-21-2008, 11:42 AM

8

So things were not going all that well, and the commune wasn't really happening; they came and put more of us in jail. Yeah see it turns out that was a mistake, because instead of all of us being in one place, when they broke us up we were everywhere, preaching as hard as ever. This one guy Philip kicked particular ass in Samaria, converting all kinds of people.

Before Philip got there, this guy Simon was doing magic tricks and the people were really taken by him, figuring that he had some kind of God mojo. Well the cool thing is, Simon listened to Philip, and believed him; and so the people who were fooled by Simon figured hey, this was our guy before, now he says this new stuff from Phil is the right stuff, he must be right!

When Simon heard that you could get the serious mojo just by having one of the Exec Board TOUCH you, he went to them with a big pile of cash; they explained, you moron, we're not Scientologists; your money means shit to us and if you think you can just buy your way into this thing, you are sadly mistaken.

Phil, meanwhile, was told by an angel to go work his stuff in the Gaza Strip, where he converted an important Ethiopian and then was shuttled off by the Spirit on a railroad tour, preaching from town to town.

9

One of the head Jews, Saul, was the main opposition and one of the guys who got Stephen killed. Well one day Saul was just walking along with his troops when there was a light from the sky and Jesus himself! yelled at Saul and told him to go into the city where there'd be more plans for him.

Saul was of course totally petrified at this point, and went blind and didn't eat or drink for three straight days. One of our guys was then told by the Lord to go and find Saul, and just touch him, and Saul would get his sight back.

Well lo and behold it went down exactly that way, and Saul was like, shit, you guys were right along. Now he's preaching too -- a Jew preaching Jesus in the synagogues!

You guessed it, this pissed off the Jews again, and they were going to kill him so we ferreted him back to Jerusalem. The people there were like "Fuck, it's that asshole Saul!" But the Exec Board worked out that he was one of us.

It went on... case after case we converted people.

03-20-2008, 09:23 PM	#1
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	Speaking in tongues is not an option! In Acts 2:38-40, we are told to ‘Repent, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord shall call……Save yourselves from this untoward generation’. Only moments earlier, the disciples received the Holy Ghost and spoke with other tongues (languages) as the Spirit gave them utterance. It is through receiving the Holy Ghost that you can know God, and have a personal relationship with him. You will receive a knowledge and understanding of his plan and purpose, and have the assurance of knowing your saved. God’s judgement hasn’t changed; neither has his salvation. God is still filling people with the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues today, as he did nearly 2,000 years ago as they respond to and obey his word. Judgement (death), or salvation (life). The choice is yours. Turn to the Lord now and save yourselves from his wrath to come. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

03-20-2008, 10:13 PM	#2
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	Flint... buddy, step away from the doobie. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

03-20-2008, 11:52 PM	#3
smoothmoniker to live and die in LA Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 2,090	... are we really talking about this, or are you just copy/pasting a shitstorm? __________________ to live and die in LA

03-20-2008, 11:55 PM	#4
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	i have a hard time believing this is a subject that would really grab flint. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

03-20-2008, 11:57 PM	#5
smoothmoniker to live and die in LA Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 2,090	Maybe he got some Jesus. __________________ to live and die in LA

03-21-2008, 12:47 AM	#6
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Maybe the church's check, for his last gig, bounced. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-21-2008, 09:12 AM	#7
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	I used to go to a church where people spoke in tongues. Every person had their own set phrase or pattern that was repeated, even though they were supposed to be spiritually inspired. The word my mentor uttered every couple of words sounded like chocalatl. Maybe it's a sign of divine humour.

03-21-2008, 09:25 AM	#8
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Iweffe, lpoweert hib gobrew loquawed nudgy wuxnisl? JTIO poren dwetreuw nhbisden! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-21-2008, 09:28 AM	#9
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	Originally "speaking in tongues" literally meant speaking in a genuine foreign language (that they had supposedly never learned,) as was verifiable by others in the crowd who spoke that language natively. But they don't let that stop them: I have spoken to people who are clearly babbling nonsense, and yet insist it is a foreign tongue, they (and I, by obvious extension) just don't know which one. "Probably an African language, you know, they're a lot less complex than ours are."

03-21-2008, 11:37 AM	#11
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Acts 1-9 - Toad's Notes (as stated by the author of Acts) 1 OK, I wanted to jot down everything Jesus was saying and doing, until he climbed aboard the big elevator to the sky. Remember, when we last checked in, dude was a Holy Ghost, they killed the guy and he came back, his business wasn't done; and he told us we shouldn't leave Jerusalem, but wait for his dad to make it obvious that we're, like, the special ones in His Kingdom. So we asked him about making Israel the Top Place in the world, and he explained that this was up to his Dad, but that we'd get great power just by being the ones who believed in him. And that was it; up the elevator he went. 2 So we went back to Jerusalem, about a hundred of us, and prayed until Peter took the lead. He explained that look, Judas was our main bad guy; that asshole took our church money and turned in our savior and then used the money to buy land; and then when he was walking on that land he fell and impaled himself and... his guts fell out! So that's the field of blood now, and nobody should live there. But the rest of us, we should get our board members together... let's see, our top man took the elevator to heaven, and we all know what happened to Judas; let's pick two more guys to sit on our Executive Board. Now having gotten our shit together, all of a sudden we were all speaking in tongues, cos the spirit got into us. All the other people around were like, WTF is this? These idiots are drunk! But Peter yelled at them, drunk? It's only 10 in the morning! These are the END DAYS and we are CHOSEN, that's why we can suddenly understand this new language. A lot of shit is gonna go down and we are the top people. In fact God said we can just sit around and he'll make our enemies into OTTOMANS. It's awesome what we have, just getting all this power because we believed that Jesus was The Man and came back around as a Holy Ghost, so now we should go around and try to convince everyone else how great it is. And so we did, and we got pretty good at it, we got 3000 people to believe, and we set up a cool commune where everybody lived in a kind of happy socialism, and the whole thing continued to grow.

03-21-2008, 11:39 AM	#12
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	3 So about 4 o'clock, Peter and John head to the temple, and some guy is BEGGING outside because his legs don't work. They never worked since he was born. And Peter was like, money? Dude we live in a commune. But if you believe the stuff we believe, you could walk. And damn if he didn't stand right up. Somehow his bones got fixed right there and then. And when people saw that, they were like dude! They all came around to ask WTF, and Peter told 'em: check it, that's what you get if you hang with us. You Jew assholes believed in Judas. But even your own books tell you that someday God will put his power into a regular dude. Well that dude was Jesus. 4 Boom! Now we got 5000 people listening. And Peter keeps on explaining, just like that lame guy, anybody can get this kind of power if they believe Jesus was the guy God sent. And this is the only way you get this kind of power. If you think God sent somebody else, you're fucked. After Peter was done, the people were hanging around outside: and they figured, hey, these guys seem pretty sure of themselves and they didn't even finish the 6th grade. It sure looks like they fixed that lame guy. There must be something to this. But we're Jews, and if this Jesus nonsense spreads it could be trouble. Let's get the cops involved and pass a law, get them to stop. But Peter and John were like "Stop? All we're doing is telling people what we saw and heard. That lame guy was like 44 years old BTW." Some people were like, 44! I guess they have a point. Let's join em. Then we can heal people too. And so they did, and now there's like another 5000 people believing and living in this kind of happy socialism. And even better, people are selling their land and giving us all the money for it.

03-21-2008, 11:40 AM	#13
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	5 This one guy sold his land and only gave us part of the money for it. And Peter found out about it, YELLED at him and the guy DIED RIGHT THERE! Three hours later his wife comes in, not knowing what happened; and Peter's all like, you knew about this didn't you? You sold it for 5000 and you only gave us 2500. You were part of it! Well look, under the curtain, there's your husband's feet, he's fucking DEAD! And whaddya know, SHE died right then and there as well! Well! Once people heard about that, they were all like, we're with you people, you got some mad mojo going on. We are WITH you and, uh by the way, we heard about that 44-year-old dude you fixed; can you fix my gramma as well? Sure enough they brought all their sick and lame people around and just by being NEAR Peter, every single one of them was completely fixed. As you might think, the opposition was getting pretty ticked off at this point, and they came and took the Executive Board off to jail. Of course that wasn't going anywhere... in the middle of the night an angel was sent to open the prison door and everybody just walked right out. The prison guards said, "Uh we didn't see anything and we were right here by the doors all night, but somehow they got out." So the Jew opposition got their cops and went to Peter's temple; and they were all like, didn't we make a LAW that you guys weren't supposed to teach people about this Jesus guy? And Peter said, "Laws pfft, we answer to God's law not yours." The cops talked amongst themselves: what a hassle! Should we just kill these assholes? But one of the top Jew lawyers pointed out that, in the past, other groups got together under their own crazy belief systems, and eventually it didn't work out for them and they died, so it's no big deal that these assholes have this system. So instead of killing them, the cops just beat the shit out of the Executive Board and told them to stop converting people. And even though the Board was all totally jazzed that they got beat up for Jesus, they quit the converting non-believers for a while.

03-21-2008, 11:41 AM	#14
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	6 So the Board figures, OK, it's no good we have to leave God and go become like waiters and stuff. What we do next is, we find 7 of our best believers and get them to go on preaching and healing 44-year-old guys. Well of course it worked and we kept on getting new people. In particular, this new guy Stephen was totally great at it. He'd heal, he'd debate people, he was in the zone. Of course the Jews found out about it and were pissed. This Stephen guy is telling everyone that our old testament laws are crap! So they brought him in to ask him about it. 7 Well Stephen kicked ass again. "Remember all that stuff UT summarized in Deuteronomy? Remember how they told you to cut the skin off your dicks and you did, and then you got all powerful? Remember how that Moses guy did all that stuff? Well, aren't you like being just like the Egyptians if you kill us? Aren't you Jews just being a bunch of hypocrites?" But it only pissed them off worse, and they took him out of the town and stoned him to death.

03-21-2008, 11:42 AM	#15
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	8 So things were not going all that well, and the commune wasn't really happening; they came and put more of us in jail. Yeah see it turns out that was a mistake, because instead of all of us being in one place, when they broke us up we were everywhere, preaching as hard as ever. This one guy Philip kicked particular ass in Samaria, converting all kinds of people. Before Philip got there, this guy Simon was doing magic tricks and the people were really taken by him, figuring that he had some kind of God mojo. Well the cool thing is, Simon listened to Philip, and believed him; and so the people who were fooled by Simon figured hey, this was our guy before, now he says this new stuff from Phil is the right stuff, he must be right! When Simon heard that you could get the serious mojo just by having one of the Exec Board TOUCH you, he went to them with a big pile of cash; they explained, you moron, we're not Scientologists; your money means shit to us and if you think you can just buy your way into this thing, you are sadly mistaken. Phil, meanwhile, was told by an angel to go work his stuff in the Gaza Strip, where he converted an important Ethiopian and then was shuttled off by the Spirit on a railroad tour, preaching from town to town. 9 One of the head Jews, Saul, was the main opposition and one of the guys who got Stephen killed. Well one day Saul was just walking along with his troops when there was a light from the sky and Jesus himself! yelled at Saul and told him to go into the city where there'd be more plans for him. Saul was of course totally petrified at this point, and went blind and didn't eat or drink for three straight days. One of our guys was then told by the Lord to go and find Saul, and just touch him, and Saul would get his sight back. Well lo and behold it went down exactly that way, and Saul was like, shit, you guys were right along. Now he's preaching too -- a Jew preaching Jesus in the synagogues! You guessed it, this pissed off the Jews again, and they were going to kill him so we ferreted him back to Jerusalem. The people there were like "Fuck, it's that asshole Saul!" But the Exec Board worked out that he was one of us. It went on... case after case we converted people.

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