Uh oh, scared him off??

[DucksNuts]

The story so far.....

Met Mr *A* online (ohhhhhh, I hear you say!!).

He's from a totally different part of Australia and when he emailed me, I said "wtf are you emailing a chick from Victoria?".

Turns out he has family locally and may be relocating here next year.

Anyways, he's an Army dude. We've been chatting since mid October, getting along very well (natch) etc etc. He's smart, very level headed and never gets flustered about things.

He's HERE at the moment, well, staying with his family and here every few days.

First meeting, we went shopping together, got along well. He came here Boxing nite, we had drinkies and sat and talked for hours...then...ahem, well....you know.

We have just come back (with kids in tow) from a couple of nites in Melbourne. Now, boxing nite, he was all touchy feely, and it was great. First day out and about in Melbourne - nothing. Told myself it was because of the kids....thats fair isnt it??

That nite, we go out for dinner (alone) and then onto the casino. Best nite I have had in years, all touchy feely again....we had a ball.

Next day...science works and hung around the beach. Back to daytime behavior.

Now, we have still been getting along very well, but the self destructive part of me couldnt leave it at that.....no no nononono!!

I sent him *the sms* today, along the lines of:

"we've spent a bit of time together now and I need to get things right in my head. I can handle whatever this is, holiday fling or fuck buddy etc....so what do you see this as?"

he replied with "what the? how am I supposed to answer that?"

to which I said, "the truth?"

He called just before and said he never thought this as a holiday fling and was just wanting to go along, take one day at a time, have some fun and see what happens...fair. But I feel like it was a partial blow off, or I over stepped some boundary?????? did i???

I have done these slightly warped txts in the past and he has always called me, said the right (and correct things) and we have talked our way through it.

He's calling when his kids go to bed, so we will see I guess.

I'm my own worse enemy it would appear. I'm like Ally McBeal, I cant be happy.

[DanaC]

Ack. I hate 'the sms'. I think there should be some sort of campaign to encourage people to confiscate their friends' mobile phones, the second they get involved with a potential mate :P

Thing is though Ducks, if he really likes you and has half a brain in head, he'll dismiss that message as what it was....an Ali Mcbeal moment, nothing to worry about. Clearly you need to have more of a clue where its going than he does, in order to feel comfortable. It isn't really asking so much, just knowin where you stand.

[Trilby]

i am going to think upon this and give you my very best guess in a bit.

Keep in mind, DN, that this will only be a guess. And that lots of people here in the Cellar love you and will try to really, really help.

Now. Lemme think*


*as opposed to going off less than half cocked about one thing or another*



PPS--what is an SMS?

[DanaC]

text message on a phone, bri.

[lumberjim]

you're being nutty. how is he supposed to know 'where this is going'?

If you have expectations about it, then you need to discuss that. otherwise, he's got no way of knowing. what he said didn't sound like a blow off, it sounded like the truth.

why do women always have to focus on where a relationship is goin? why not pay attention to what's in your hand right now, and enjoy it for what it is?

[xoxoxoBruce]

If I got that message, I'd be saying to myself, wtf...is she nuts?
Seriously, things are going quite smoothly, no signs of her being an axe murderer, or clingy/desperate psycho....looking good.
Then all of a sudden a text message demanding I state my intentions, plans for the future, level of commitment.

Now if we were having a conversation, preferably in person but at least a live phone conversation, and she says she'd like to know how I feel about her, about us, then it would be normal maybe even expected, at this point.
But that text message, out of the blue, would make me wonder what the hell was going on? Make me wonder who the hell she thinks she is, to demand my declaration of intentions this early in the relationship? What's the Rush...what is she not telling me?

OK, it's your modus operandi...blunt, to the point, say what you think. That's fine for people that know you pretty well, but for a noob, especially one that might have romantic intentions, it's got to shake him a little.

Tell him you now realize you blindsided him, and talk it out. But don't push him into a corner where he has to make a decision he's not ready to make, yet. He now knows, you would like him to clarify, so he should have no problem broaching the subject when he's ready. If he takes too long or seems to be stalling, you have the option of walking away, at that point.

I'm curious, he's in the military and "may be relocating here next year". Getting out of the military? How long will he be in the area before he has to report back?

[Griff]

I'm gonna have to agree with the lads here. You may have poisoned the well. Question: Does this kind of questioning always crop up after the relationship gets sexual? It seems like you're saying you're modern and carefree about sex but not really. Is that it? We've all got our hangups but its a damn good idea to recognize them. If you can tone it down a bit and actually let things progress naturally he may be willing to let that gaff slide. Good luck. You are among friends here.

[DucksNuts]

Thank you, thank you, thank you can always rely on you guys to give me an honest and brutal (if need be) answer.

I did explain to him that I wasnt looking for a *commitment* level or promise of anything, I was really only wondering if this was a holiday fling in his mind, as we have both spoken about the fuck buddy thing in the past....those comments wouldnt have been too out of left field.

Bruce - point taken about my bluntness. Its one of the things he has always liked about me though, always says he loves that he doesnt have to guess with me and that I always explain how I am feeling without game playing.

Re: Relocating....he gets posted at different military bases periodically. There is the option of staying put, or relocating to a different base. He does a stint in Iraq early next year, then would relocate to a new base.

Griff - I am all modern and carefree about sex....when its just sex.

Hence why I probably asked the question anyway. I know I like the guy, and if he says "look, I think its just going to be a casual thing"...I'm good, can rationalise that in my mind and be all whatever about it.

I dont think this question crops up after a relationship becomes sexual, especially in this instance, because there was connection before we even met.

Hangups, oh yeah I have them. I think I realise I have the majority of them, I may have to add another one to the list.



We spoke briefly last nite and he says my question was *fair enough* because knowledge is power.

I know he will have thought about it over nite and will have some new insight for me this morning.

If I burnt the bridge with that little effort, it would appear is was going up in flames anyways I guess.

[Aliantha]

Ducks...i reckon your best plan of action from here would be to tell him WHY you sent the text. Don't apologise for it or get all mushy. Just tell him why you did it. For one thing, it'll help him know you better, and if you do it again in future, he wont feel like you've blindsided him. He'll know you're just being insecure again.

That's what I think.

[Beestie]

DN: Sounds to me like you started feeling something, got scared as hell then made it his problem to solve.

Don't be a fraidy cat. Or worse, don't make him afraid. Of you.

Relax, enjoy. Toss the map out the window and feel the wind.

[DucksNuts]

Crisis avoided for the moment!!!!

Received the following sms....

"You are such a darlin', all that just shows you care. You are perfect"

[insert collective "awwwwww" here]

But it doesnt look like we are spending new years eve together!!

[DucksNuts]

Oh and Beestie - me thinks you hit the nail on the head.

[yesman065]

DN - I'm happy for you - perhaps you should try to answer your question yourself first and then talk with him in person - I mean what do YOU see this as and then go to him with a conversation about how you feel either on the phone or preferably in person. Good luck!

"we've spent a bit of time together now and I need to get things right in my head. I can handle whatever this is, holiday fling or fuck buddy etc....so what do you see this as?"

he replied with "what the? how am I supposed to answer that?"

I'm happy for you, but it did seem a bit like self sabotage there.
Ask yourself this... what would be a rational answer to that question?
Seriously, if you were asked that... what would you have said in the same situation, objectively?
LOL, I would have loved to have seen your face if he had said "Wedding bells next week!"
See, I'm a smart-ass and cannot help it... I would have... took a while until I found one...

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Ducks...i reckon your best plan of action from here would be to tell him WHY you sent the text. Don't apologise for it or get all mushy. Just tell him why you did it. For one thing, it'll help him know you better, and if you do it again in future, he wont feel like you've blindsided him. He'll know you're just being insecure again.

That's what I think.

Originally Posted by Beestie

DN: Sounds to me like you started feeling something, got scared as hell then made it his problem to solve.

Don't be a fraidy cat. Or worse, don't make him afraid. Of you.

Relax, enjoy. Toss the map out the window and feel the wind.

Yeah, I don't think I can add to the amount of wisdom on this board.

I am happy for you miss ducky.