Asylum

DanaC · 08-20-2006, 08:59 AM

I've made a couple of minor alterations. The most impactful one being the change from "thin rain-coat" to "red rain-coat" in the last verse. The rationale for this change was to make it less a 'symbolic' image and more of a phsyical description of the child.

I'd showed the poem to a friend and whilst he liked most of it, he felt 'emotionally manipulated' by some of it. He equated it with the incidental music you get in a tearjerker movie. I think the change of wording in that last line makes quite a big difference to this effect. The middle verses he felt were very strong and that sits with my own reading of it.

I'm still not happy with the first and last verse, but I'll keep working on it.

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08-20-2006, 08:59 AM	#2
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	I've made a couple of minor alterations. The most impactful one being the change from "thin rain-coat" to "red rain-coat" in the last verse. The rationale for this change was to make it less a 'symbolic' image and more of a phsyical description of the child. I'd showed the poem to a friend and whilst he liked most of it, he felt 'emotionally manipulated' by some of it. He equated it with the incidental music you get in a tearjerker movie. I think the change of wording in that last line makes quite a big difference to this effect. The middle verses he felt were very strong and that sits with my own reading of it. I'm still not happy with the first and last verse, but I'll keep working on it.

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