Funny Sex Stories (PG-13)

[Radar]

Radar, don't even think of coming here and starting your "I'm too big for her" baloney.

That was uncalled for. On another thread I discuss a real problem I'm having with my wife. I never said I was big, she did. I don't think I am. She just is in pain and I think it is mostly because I'm only the second guy she's ever had sex with, the other was a fairly small asian guy, and that was to years before we got married.

But as long as I'm posting I can put a couple of stories out there.

Preface: I like to do it in dangerous places where I might get caught.

1. Did it with a girl out in the snow and didn't want to pull out because it was warm inside and cold outside.

2. Did it with the same girl in the top of a busy stairwell of our business building and I had to cover her mouth to keep from getting caught.

3. When I was 17, I was at my girlfriends place watching tv with her on the couch. We had a blanket over us. Her parents were about 20-30 feet from us in another room. She reaches behind herself, rubs the lamp and the genie pops out. She slides it in and I bang the drum slowly as it were until we finish.

4. Same girl. I was in an honors calculus class at school and was working on a really hard problem. I went to sleep and when I woke up I was in the middle of having sex with her. I stopped and she said, "Why are you stopping?" so I finished. When we were finished I told her I had been sleeping and woke up during the act. She said that explained why I was acting strangely. She said when she came in I was talking in my sleep about a math forumula. I asked her if I said the answer! I've heard of sleep walking, but it was strange and slightly dangerous to know you can do that during your sleep too.

5. I was with the town doorknob once (everybody gets a turn) in the backseat of my car. I had just turned 19 and she was 16 or 17. We were totally naked and our clothes were in the front seat. All the sudden I see a flashlight banging on my window and it's the cops. Of course they want to fuck with me and ask for my ID. And I keep thinking, "Holy crap, she's under age. I'm toast". I suppose she had been in that situation before. She calmly told him she forgot her ID at home and had her fake birthdate memorized. Luckily he just told us to get dressed and go somewhere else.

6. Used to play a game in college where if someone could peel the label off a bud after drinking it, without tearing it even a little bit or leaving any label on the bottle, you could give it to someone at the party for sex. Like a coupon, but you couldn't soak the bottle, etc. If someone gave you the label, you would have to honor it. This was the first and last time I played this game. There was an ugly girl with a sort of raspy voice at the party and we started playing quarters. Everyone kept teaming up against me. This girl was amazing. She peeled sevel labels off like it was nothing. So the night has gone on for awhile and I am trashed. These kids were pros at quarters. I've never seen anything like it. they could hold the quarter in their mouth, drop it, and it would bounce in EVERY TIME. I pass out in the bedroom and the next day I wake up next to miss raspy voice begging me to move in with her. And then she says, "Don't leave, I've still got 4 more labels!!!" I ran home and took 5 showers and brushed my teeth until my gums were bleeding.


The last three are urban legends I've heard. My ex-wife told me this one happend to her friend. And later someone else told me the same story happened to their friend as all urban legends do.

This couple is getting ready for a little role playing fun. The wife is naked and has her arms and legs tied up spread eagle on the bed and the husband is in the closet wearing nothing but a batman hood and cape. He jumps out of the closet like a super hero and gets clipped right across his forehead and gets knocked out with his head bleeding on the floor. The woman can't call an ambulance because her hands are tied so she starts shouting for help. The neighbors hear it and call the cops. When the cops get there, they kick open the front door and ask if anyone is home. The woman says she is upstairs. The cops ask if she is alone, she says, "No, I'm not alone" so the cops draw their guns and burst into the bedroom to find the naked woman spread eagle on the bed and the unconscious husband bleeding and wearing nothing but his batman outfit.

Next...

This woman's friends and co-workers decide to throw her a surprise birthday party so they contact her sister who has a key and they setup the whole living room so when she walks in they can surprise her. They see her car pull up and get ready, but she goes through the back. They all wait for her to walk into the living room but she's in the kitchen for a long time. So they walk in to find her naked on her kitchen counter with peanut butter spread all over her cootch and the dog licking it. She moved away the next day never to be heard from or seen by them again.

Next...

These teenage kids decide to throw a party while their parents are out of town. And the house is crowded, kids are drinking and having sex and all that sort of fun. Then the boy whose parents are out of town is approached by one of his friends who tells him some girl upstairs is taking all comers....as it were....and there is a line of guys waiting to go in and have sex with her. So he goes upstairs and gets in line. Then he goes in and it's dark. He takes his clothes off and starts having sex with her and someone flips the light on and he's having sex with his sister.