Better to lie, or to break trust?

[Riddil]

This chain of thought grew out of a conversation that my friends were bouncing around talking about a friend of ours who just found out his girlfriend was cheating on him. (This post is written from a male perspective, assume he/she, his/her, wife/husband where appropriate).

First, I believe most people could, in the right situation, cheat on their partner. But that's part of the deal when you're loyal... you're careful to avoid those situations. Kinda like when you're on a diet you don't stock the fridge with a case of doughnuts. It's a lot easier to *not* eat a doughnut when there aren't any around.

Second, you can't judge a person by a past mistake. Just because they once stole something, or did drugs, or cheated on their partner, that doesn't make them a life-long klepto, addict, or serial-cheater. Everyone makes mistakes, so accept them for the person they are now and not by a lone mistake in their past. (But watch out for the true kleptos, addicts,and cheaters along the way).

Third, if trust is broken in a relationship it can never be fully rebuilt. And I'm not talking about small things... I'm talking about real breaking of trust. Could you ever fully trust your wife again after she spent a weekend in Cancun sleeping with your brother? Even if she was totally loving every day for the rest of her life?

So, the basic assumptions are:
- Potentially anyone in the "wrong" situation might cheat in a relationship
- A mistake in life doesn't necessarily condemn a person for eternity
- Once a trust is truly broken it can never be rebuilt

Considering those assumptions, put yourself in this hypothetical situation: if one time you "accidentally" cheat... maybe you drank too much, never intended it to go that far, blah blah blah... but you wake up in the morning regretting everything, wishing it'd never happened.

And in that moment you realize how much you love your partner, and how much it'd hurt to lose them. It's not like you wanted to cheat. If you hadn't gotten so drunk you would have pushed away their advances. Further, now that you HAVE cheated you're confident you'll never cheat again because you've learned from this unfortunate mistake.

Now consider the different courses of action. If you confess then you'll break the trust. You'll weaken the relationship, or she may leave you entirely. You could also keep quiet about your "moment of indiscretion". And if she finds clues you might even lie to cover it up.

You might even try to justify it all. You're not lying to protect yourself... you're lying to protect a strong, healthy, happy relationship! To protect *her* happiness, as much as yours!

So... the question is... considering all of the above, what would you do? Confess immediately? Don't mention it? Maybe even lie? Because if she does leave you, then what about your next girlfriend? You cheated one time, but you can still build a trusting relationship with your new girlfriend, right? So if you're "allowed" to build a new trust with someone else, doesn't that mean you're still an OK person? And if you're a good person why not protect the relationship you already have?

Also consider the flip side. What if your partner cheated on you in the above situation? Which course would you want them to follow?

As a last point of consideration, think about your past & present relationships... have you ever said something untrue? Maybe you told your girlfriend you liked her perfume, or outfit, or a meal she worked on for hours, just because the truth would hurt her feelings? Or maybe you didn't tell her about the cigars at poker night because it'd lead to a fight since you weren't supposed to be smoking? You justify lying to protect her feelings, and to keep the relationship free from strife. We've all had those moments. But where do you draw the line?

Oh, the moral dilemma!

As a side note, considering the topic of the thread I just wanted to add that I've never cheated in any of my past relationships. This all just philosophical meat for you to chew on. I've never even come close to cheating, or had a partner cheat on me. (That I know of!)