Judging people (long)

[Riddil]

Ok, this is another relationship-inspired post, so for anyone that is tired of break-up-inspired postings should probably leave now. (warning: massive post ahead!!)

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about WHY people stay in relationships. And while I think that nothing in this post is really new info for anybody, I think it describes it in a way that makes it all a little easier to understand.

Say that the way you feel for somebody is on a scale of 0-100. 0 means you would kill them on sight, and a 100 is Romeo-and-Juliet. *Everyone* you meet in life gets put onto this scale. Your best friend in the whole world might be a 90, but your poker buddy may only rate around a 60. When you first meet anyone they get an initial rating... but it might change. You may meet someone in a bar that just seems soooo perfect, and you rate them a 95. But then you get to know them, and maybe they burn babies or beat little-old-ladies or something, so they fall to a 10. But you may also meet someone that at first you rate around a 50, but then as you get to know them more and more it moves up to like a 70 or 80.

As we go through life we start to get better at that "initial" placement. When you're young you might meet a "90", and they slide down to a "30", but when you're older you can sniff them out better. Basically the older we get there is a smaller shift in the scale. If you meet someone and initially they're a 70, you know they might slide to a 60... maybe an 80... but odds are they won't magically turn into a 20 or a 95 just based on past experience.

So anyhow, I think that this plays a major part in relationships. Say you're with someone and you rate them at a 75. That's a pretty decent number... you're happy together and there aren't any PROBLEMS with the relationship, no major ones at least. If you guys were dropped on a dessert island you'd live together happily forever.

The problem is you're constantly running into new people. So let's say you got together with that 75 when you were "looking for someone", and now you've stayed because it's comfortable. And at 75 you can really love them... maybe not on that Romeo-Juliet level, but you feel love. But as you meet new people they're automatically compared to your current mate. Normally it's not a big deal. Say you run into someone who rates a 65, or a 70... you don't even think about it, b/c your partner is better. Maybe you even meet a 75... or even an 80. The 80 can be interesting, but you still won't leave the relationship for them, even if they're ranked higher.

The reason is b/c they're not rated high enough. Sure, they may be an 80 now... but no one stays in one place. As you get to know them there's a very real risk that they'll fall to a 75, maybe a 70. And if you walked away from a 75 relationship for that, then you wasted all that time for something WORSE. Not smart.

That's what makes relationships tough. Is no matter how high you rate your partner, you will always meet someone who rates higher from time to time. If you rate at a 95 it's easy though... because that one time you meet someone who's a 98, it's easy to stick with your current partner. Sure, the other person SEEMS better, but you have history, commitments, etc with your current partner, and why risk a 95 for a 98? Is a difference of 3 really all that much? And besides, that 98 may really be an 88. (And when people initially rate that high, most of the time that number does fall).

But for a 75'er it's much, much harder. For the 75'er... every single time they meet an 80 or a 90 they have that temptation. Meeting a 98 is a difference of 23... that's a big shift. Even if they fall to an 88, it's still better than what you have now. Even if you stay with your current 75 relationship... can you really be happy? Think about it... every time you go home you think to yourself, "I could have something much better than this right now".... so even though you honestly care about that person you aren't happy b/c you feel like you're selling yourself short.

And it's those 75'ers that have the most problems in life... either they break-up with their BF/GF and go through that pain for a chance at something better, or they go on being frustrated knowing they could have better.

Ok ok, I know, nothing new and exciting here, all I did is take a commonly known idea and put it on a ratings scale. But! I'm going somewhere with this, I swear...

First up, we all have a "maximum limit" for how different people can feel for each other. For example, I don't care how nice she was, I don't care what she did for me, or any other thing imaginable... I will never, ever be able to rate Roseanne Barr at a 95. It just couldn't happen, we're incompatible people. And everyone has a certain level of compatibility that dictates what their "maximum rating limit" can be.

Everyone in your life moves around on the rating scale. Even if you've been best friends for 10 years, that person isn't *always* a 90. Sometimes they slip to 80, or whatever. But as you stick together and work through problems they'll work back up to a 90. But you may have another friend who's at a 70. No matter what they say or do they just won't ever be able to be like your best friend, and reach a 90 level. So while they slide around it never is able to break through that 70 max limit.

It's the same with relationships, they have a maximum limit too. And if that number is locked at 75, it doesn't matter how much you TRY to make it work, you simply will not ever feel a 95 for them. You can't do it. Sure, 75 ain't bad, and it can even be a good relationship, but it won't ever be fireworks and flower petals when you think of them.

And why is that a big deal? Because in a relationship there are two of you! Just because you may feel a 90 for the other person, they may only feel a 75 for you. That's a problem b/c they know that you need them more than they need you. Think about it... if you guys broke up, all you have to do is find a 75'er, and you're back in a relationship that's "just as good". But they have to find another 90'er... not so easy. It puts the higher ranked person in a control position. Which is BAD. How can you honestly love someone that you control? So it becomes a mutual dependency thing. If you're both at 75, both 85, or both 95 it has a better chance to go the distance.

Also, this is a big reason why I think marriages back in the 1950's stayed together so much better. They didn't have the communication or interaction that we have today. If the happy housewife was in a 75-rated marriage... that could be fine since she never has that constant onslaught of other people who may rate in the 80s or 90s. Which means that in the 1950's for a marriage to stand the test of time maybe it only needed to be a 75. But with our super-information-interaction world that we live in now, the relationship needs to be a 90 or 95 if it wants to make it.

And so now I hope you didn't mind my way-too-damn-long post. I wonder if anyone will actually make it all the way through.

(The sad part is that there's actually a lot more to this whole theory, I just chose to post the major points)