The Poly Path So Far

[Elspode]

Have you ever loved someone so much that you cringe when they are interested in someone else, and cringe when they aren’t? Have you ever put someone else’s happiness so far above your own that, when they tell you they love someone else, you don’t actually want to puke your guts out? How might you feel if your spouse was depressed about a relationship that just can’t work, only it isn’t yours?

Well, all of this and more has been my lot these past eight months since Selene and I embarked on the polyamory path for the third time in our 13 years together. Understand that what I write here is strictly based upon *my* experiences and points of view. If Selene were to write it, I assure you that it would not only come across differently, but possibly entirely contradictorially. Each of us experiences this path from our own point of view, and sometimes it seems like we aren’t experiencing the same events at all. Nevertheless, I’m going to talk a little bit about things as I see them. Selene might well come along and say something entirely different, as is her right. Even if she does, it doesn't make me a provericator...it just means that we each feel what we feel and see things as we each see them.

For the first six months of this current poly incarnation, I sat on the sidelines, fully imbued with the power to share in relationships with women who weren’t my wife, but apparently powerless to make it happen. In all fairness, I didn’t really *try*. Most of the relationships in my life started because a lady hunted me down and captured me. I never really knew the fine art of pursuit and conquest, preferring to simply let things occur as they will. I have since discovered that this is a certain path to envy and misery, and so I’ve begun to be more proactive about it. By no means am I good at it, nor am I terribly dynamic in my efforts, but I’m getting a bit more bold.

All relationships are difficult at best, whether one is monogamous or polyamorous. Yet, I cannot say that polyamory is inherently *more* difficult than was monogamy; at least, not for Selene and me. The issues are different, but there are issues. There have always been issues, and there always will be issues. What is strikingly different when one is pursuing polyamory is the amount of additional information and experience that has to be processed, whether it be between the primary couple, or derived and experienced from the relationships each has with others. Ideally, what we experience informs and enlightens us in some way, and we can grow both as individuals, and as a couple. This may occur for me, if I can sort out the crap in my head well enough to see the lesson through the debris.

Another strikingly inconvenient factor in all of this is the sheer amount of time it takes out of the mundane life of a couple to be with other people. By the time I’ve spent time with a girlfriend, and Selene has spent time with a boyfriend - seldom on the same nights or for the same lengths of time - the household chores and other attendant mundane burdens have gone untended beyond all reason, requiring an active plan to wrestle the offending tasks into submission...at least until we’ve once again squandered our discretionary time, and the cycle has begun once again. This isn't even the worst part of it...try figuring out how one spouse is supposed to be somewhere else while the other is trysting at home. Not easy...not fun...and definitely not productive in the classic sense.

Seldom are things ideal. I know by now that, were I describing my perfect poly scenario, it wouldn’t be the one I’m pursuing now. I get easily out of balance as things ebb and flow on a near daily basis. I become envious of my mate’s successes and frustrated with my own lack thereof. At the same time, I swing internally from high to low based on who I’m seeing and how that is going. Two weeks ago (when I actually started writing this treatise), I was feeling damn good about it all. I had been spending a good deal of quality time with a beautiful young woman and all the little signs were pointing towards good stuff. In the intervening time since our first dates and daily phone conversations, the dynamic has changed quite drastically, leaving me now feeling a bit awkward and unsure of how to further pursue that relationship, which seems to be headed to platonic friendship. Had the change occurred because of something being different between she and I, it would be easy enough to reconcile, but in fact, the dynamic seems to have changed because of other factors, namely, her efforts to manage her own somewhat rocky marriage and an apparently imperative need for her and her spouse to relocate to New Mexico. Since all responsible polyamorists should tend their primary relationships first and foremost, it can bring otherwise burgeoning outside couplings to a near screeching halt. As I had sort of put all my eggs in one basket (I could make a really naughty pun on that first part of this sentence, but I shan’t), I’ve found myself again on the sidelines these past couple of weeks, and once again experiencing negative feelings about all of this.

It would be foolish to believe that things should or could be better, though. In the poly lifestyle, it is relatively rare to encounter long term, stable secondary relationships. When they do occur, they often are the impetus for dissolution of previously primary relationships, or the marginalization of those pairings. Similarly, it is rare for male polyamorists to have a fraction of the opportunities that females have. Although it sounds stereotypical to say it, most women who might be interested in an alternate relationship are looking for commitment and permanence, whether they be single or married. Guys, on the other hand, are dogs, and happy to take an offered opportunity, whether they are married, single, wanting a permanent mate, or just some fun. Nevertheless, being realistic about the negative aspects of polyamory requires one to be prepared for less than optimal situations, and so I am. It requires a hell of a lot of fortitude, and the power to refuse to chuck it all and just go start over. But such thoughts do surface from time to time, despite my best efforts to subdue them. Ultimately, an ability to see the big picture is crucial, and right now, my picture frame is rather too small for the job. Clinging to the fact that Selene and I love each other first and foremost is what allows me to continue at all.

I’m at a bit of a crossroads, then, and it is an intersection with which I expect to become intimately familiar as time goes by. While I had hoped to be able to settle on the one lass as a somewhat regular and entirely satisfactory poly partner, it now appears that her availability is going to be rather too limited for me to be comfortable with the increasingly spare time we can spend together, not to mention that I've become rather unclear as to how she views our relationship. As such, I now find myself beginning to move to other opportunities lest I become terminally bitter and envious of my wife’s rampant popularity. Make no mistake...envy is the demon in all of this. It isn’t jealousy, it isn’t feeling cheated on...it is pure and simple envy over the fact that, not only am I *not* on an extramarital par with my wife, I’m not even on the same golf course. She is Tiger Woods - I have just sliced into the woods along the fairway.

Time to grow up and learn to focus on what is good. Time to bind to my wife, trust in myself, and head forth to philander with new energy and hope. I’ll let you know how that works out.