TiTs

[xoxoxoBruce]

There has been some breast flesh flashing around to Cellar of late, even the IoTD. This is usually followed by some statements like, "Mine are too small/saggy/old.
I cut this article from Easyriders magazine in September 1978. Although it's meant to be humorous the message is not. There's a great deal of truth here.

Women sometimes get pissed because guys are interested only in their tits “I am so much more than my tits,” they say, “I am a complete woman, able to do many things... able to dream and hope, able to aspire and try to make the dreams come true. How can they be interested only in two dead weight sacs that can’t do a fucking thing?”

Well it’s even worse than that, lady. Them two tits wouldn’t be worth a bucket o’ cowpuke if they didn’t have nipples at the end of ‘em.

You take two average good-shaped big tits that are stickin’ out nude from some grade A whore.... well, if they ain’t go no nipples on ‘em, shit, you might as well try to get hot lookin’ at a pair of bent knees.

You flash me a “Show Us Your Tits” sign that’s bein’ held up in front of some bitch that’s scootchin’ an’ fiddlin’ real careful with her shirt or top to try to expose the whole upsides and undersides and side-sides of her jugs, but takin’ all kinds o’ care to make sure her nipples don’t show, an’ I’ll flash you a “show us your tits” sign that ain’t gonna get held up in front of that bitch twice.

No matter how fuckin’ huge some chick’s tits are, they only thing they’re gonna get sucked by is mosquitoes, if there ain’t no nipples on em’. But show me some pancake-flat, wall-fronted flooze who’s got two rigid dark and dirty nipples that get hard as solid-rubber thimbles even when the temperature hits ‘em, an’ I’ll show you a chick that’s gonna get the front of her jersey lifted a lot.

You take two waitresses: one of ‘em’s got jugs as big as a Hottentot’s buttocks...she’s got all her buttons open,... she’s got tits pushin’ hard against her undone clothes, big an’ round an’ not hangin’ at all, just a vast smooth domes with nothin’ between 'em and your eyes but the air.... and a bit of cloth covering the nipples;
And right next to her is some hundred year old, skinny Viet Cong, standin’ dumb-eyed an’ slowly sawin’ your mothers head off for a salad, with her oily fatigue shirt open, revealin’ three hundred ribs and a nipple lookin’ at ya....

It don’t take much thinkin’ to figure out which one you’re gonna be gawkin’ at with your tongue hangin’ out.

Even a pussy don’t get this kind of attention. Some fat cleaning lady that’s got a permanent bend in her body from her thighs and hips bein’ so every bit as big as her trunk that her carcass don’t have no choice but to grow into an eternal and everlasting V..... She’ll be sitting on a bus bench with her legs spread hard against her white dress with her stockin’s rolled at the knees, an’ you’ll know she ain’t got no drawers on, an’ her pussy will be shoutin’ “ooooo” at you just as loud as it can. But you won’t want to look at it. You will, but you wont want to. Let that same woman reach in a flop out one of them mushmellons, coverin’ it all up real careful with her hands, except for her nipple.... there’ll be stickum in your shorts soon enough.

When you’re walkin’ through a mall or store, an see some fox in a T-shirt who’s got perfect space-lady tits underneath it, that you can see their shapes of as clear as through glass but her nipples ain’t hard.... well you’re eyes just kind of keep slippin’ off em’ and driftin’ sideways, like as though you can’t quite get a grip.

Right behind her there’ll be some near dead hippie chick who’s tits have been drunk into flatness by mites, but her nipples is pushin’ rigid against her potato-diggers shirt. It’s like your eyes has suddenly sprung hooks on ‘em and they won’t unhitch from her nipples no matter what the fuck she does; she makes a quick u-turn into the socks department, an’ you suddenly find yourself runnin’ forward, off balance, like you was tryin’ to keep from fallin’, and a minute later you’re way around in front of her again, your eyes still stuck on her nipples.

So you chicks that ain’t got no tits shouldn’t worry that a guy’s gonna think you ain’t worth a pile ‘o whatever, or that you’re gonna hafta start learnin’ transatlantic arithmetic or nuclear phone repair to make some kind of a solitary life for yourself, or that you’re gonna have to spend the rest of your days fuckin’ other women.
Long as you got two nipples what go hard real apparent....hey, you got everything it takes to make the grade, believe me.