Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce.

[lookout123]

i hate her i love her i hate her i love her i hate that i love her.

*disclaimer: unfortunately, even after all of this i have yet to feel any hate for her. i still love her with such intensity that at times i cannot breathe. i was starting to come unglued in my office today and new that i didn't have time to go anywhere sufficiently private so i went to the hotel across the street, rented a room, and laid on the bed and cried like a baby for 3 hours.

i can only explain it like this: i feel like a swimmer who pushes off from the shore of a large lake. i KNOW that there is another side to the lake. i just can't see it. as i get further away from the shore i get tired. and scared. the waves are kicking my ass. i am stuck doggy paddling while the waves of sorrow, regret, hurt, and anger wash over. i can't even picture the other side of this turmoil, let alone have any comfort that i will get there. so i paddle.

side note: i get to move out of my house on *drum roll* my birthday! started as Merry F'in Christmas - rolls on into Happy F'in Birthday.