Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce.

[lookout123]

it is definitely not that my career comes first. that has been a sticking point in the past because i absolutely refused to put in anything ahead of her and my son (in that order).
she is much more career oriented than i am. but this isn't a move to give her more time for her career. she is a self employed cosmetologist and is so successful that she doesn't accept new clients.

i have been speaking about being away from my son, more than her mainly because that is a completely foreign concept to me. i have never been separated from a child (except for business trips). the very thought panics me.

if i can explain it this way: the feeling i get while thinking about being away from her are a piercing pain in my chest and a headache from all the "what if" thoughts. the idea of her moving on without me...what if she moves and realizes i reallydidn't add any value to her life, etc. just spinning thoughts, pain, and sorrow. i don't know how, but i know that will be able to stand up again and move on. i don't know what i would move on to... but i know there is something. ( the problem here is that she has been the driving force that has made me succeed in the areas that i have, so what will drive me in her absence?)


the thought of life without my son is a crushing pain in my chest. i can't breathe when i think about not having him with me. since september of 2000 i haven't had a thought that wasn't about him in some way.

maybe this goes back to my thoughts in a very old thread about "what is our purpose?" i thought then and i do now that my purpose is to make my son a better man than i am.

i don't know, i'm getting all jumbled again and i have to go anyway.

time to go coach 8 4-6 year olds in the soccer game. if i can keep from crying while watching my son run up and down the field i will call it a success.