please recommend a self help book, therapy, drug...

[Schrodinger's Cat]

Stacey, I suspect you grew up in an environment where you weren't allowed to be a "self." Possibly, you had an overly critical or demanding parent who was difficult to please. As an adult, you do not feel "authentic." When you recieve praise, you dismiss it, thinking to yourself, "They don't know what I'm REALLY like." When someone critisizes you, you unconsciously revert to a child in front of a scolding parent. You accept low paying jobs and unsatisfactory relationships because on some level you think that's all you deserve. You need to work to consciously counter these early negative messages that you have unconsciously assimilated into your thinking about yourself and your situation.