So here's the story

[Cloud]

Ali: not to make light of your situation, but every time I see this thread, I think -- "is it about a man named Brady?"

[ZenGum]

Thanks for that Cloud, you're not alone.


I have wanted to say something but I can't find the appropriate thing. So, for Ali and for Max.

[Tawny]

He was a normal weight at birth and appears to be gaining weight okay for all the struggles you're having, thankfully. You're doing a good job with him.

There are various feeders developed for feeding problems and one of them might help your baby. You might try the Haberman but realize you could exhaust yourself trying all these different feeders and to no avail. Don't be discouraged!!

http://www.selfexpressions.com/habermanfeeder.html

[Queen of the Ryche]

just caught this thread - wow Ali. Hang in there. We know you're a smart, strong, loving mom and you'll get it figured out.

[Stormieweather]

((((Ali))) and (((Max)))

I just wanted to try to alleviate some concerns, if possible. My middle daughter was 1 month premature and the nurses had a fit because she "wouldn't eat". They were used to a baby who would suck down 4 oz in 20 minutes and fall back asleep. Not my daughter! I sat in that nursery and rocked her and got her to take 2 oz in 3 1/2 hours. She was done with that 2 oz's right about when she was due to be fed again . Basically, I did nothing but feed her with tiny catnaps in between for six weeks.

I worried myself sick when she was a baby, that she wasn't getting enough to eat. The pediatrician told me that as long as she was growing normally, she was eating enough. I made sure to always offer healthy portions and foods, even if she didn't do anything but pick at them.

She is now almost 14 yrs old and is and has always been tiny (but healthy). She is not even in the 1st percentile, growth wise, but is perfectly normally formed and very bright (honor roll consistantly).

Take care of yourself too, Aliantha. It's important!

As for his movements, that I would definately get checked out.

[Queen of the Ryche]

Thank you Stormie, I thought I was the only one! Hours to get ounces into her - she still eats like a bird, except for the occassional growth spurt - she's six, she's tiny, but she's healthy, happy and bright. You're not alone Ali.......

[Aliantha]

Thanks for all your support everyone. I've had some very useful advice, and things are a bit better now. We have our appointment with the ped next week so we'll see how that goes.

Max is still a difficult baby to feed, but I'm coping better with it now, so it makes it easier on both of us. Dazza has also been trying to help out a bit more which has been good. It has relieved some of the feelings of despair I'd been having about not ever being able to be apart from the baby for more than an hour or two. In fact, I'm thinking of taking myself away for a weekend soon. Just me alone...mostly to sleep and relax and 'commune with my spirit' so to speak.

[DanaC]

...and to sleep, and to sleep, and maybe to nap a little inbetween snoozes? :P

[Pooka]

I'm sorry I'm just now getting around to reading this.

When Flintsy was born he weighed 8 lbs... he lost nearly 3 lbs over the course of the next month. At his 18 month check up he still only weighed 18 1/2 lbs. We sorta kidded that he was lazy in those early days. He never seemed hungry and I had to keep waking him up to feed. Then he lost interest all together and the doctors kept telling us that he couldn't lose any more weight... wouldn't tell us what would happen if he did... and it really scared us. They had me pumping and force feeding with little syringes... ounce by ounce. I was very upset and never felt like that was a good solution. In fact... I attribute his small size and lack of interest in food (that is until lately) to this whole early day experience. He wouldn't accept formula or anythin from a bottle and while he would take the boobie... 2 min here and there just wasn't enough.

Finally, desperate... I called Le Leche League and was able to work with a lactation consultant to come up with new avenue to try. I wore him bare chest to bare chest in my wrap all day... I took baths with him... he slept with me and could nurse off and on all night. I cleaned his nose with sailine and used a bulb syrine to clean his nose out waited a few moments then offered him boobie. I kept music on in the room and the lights dim as well... spent a lot of time in bed with him. He has never really been on the charts at all... he might now at almost 2 years be in the 10 percentile... we'll see in a few months. The thing that helped me let go of my fear and concern that he wasn't doing well was the fact that he isn't anemic or vitamin deficient... and while he was a great deal slower to do anything compared to my daughter... now and not quite 2 he seems to be hitting all his developmental marks. I think my finally relaxing helped him to... I'm pretty sure he was picking up on my stress. About 3 weeks ago Flintsy FINALLY decided food was ok... and he put on 2 1/2 lbs in a 2 week period... seriously. I'm curious to see what he doctor says in December.

I can certianly understand your depression... I have been there. I'm glad to hear you will be taking some "Me" time to spend by yourself relaxing... in that time remind yourself that you are an amazing woman who is doing everything in her power for her child.

I guess the best I can offer is to say if he is gaining weight and not losing... that is a really good sign even if it isn't as much as they'd like to see. If you haven't contacted Le leche League I would certianly recomend it... they were very helpful and have a support group as well.

[Aliantha]

That's really interesting Pooka. Thanks for sharing that with me (and everyone else).

I had a checkup with the doctor a couple of days ago. He asked me how things were going and all that other doctorly stuff and after that I said to him how tired I was now. How I feel like I'm tired right through to my bones, to the point where if I have to hold Max while standing up for more than five minutes (I fixed this problem by buying a 'sling' for him to sit in that I can just slip over my shoulder) or so I get the shakes. So he asked me how long it'd been since I'd had a proper nights sleep prior to starting on the zoloft and I said it'd been probably 12 months or more.

He then explained to me how if you don't get enough sleep for long enough, your body builds up what is called a 'sleep debt' which basically means that the only way to feel better is to pay it back with sleep. It was a relief to know that that's all that's wrong with me. I was starting to get worried that I should have been feeling stronger physically after a couple of weeks of relatively solid sleep. Apparently it can take months to 'pay back' what you owe the gods of sleep though. I guess I now know what weary to the bone feels like.

So all in all, things are looking up. Max is a lot more relaxed now that I've stopped stressing out and his feeding is improving every day although we still have relapses when one or both of us lose the plot for a bit, but it's getting longer and longer between incidents.

Once again, thanks for all your support and advice. You've all been great.

[limey]

Glad to hear things are heading in the right direction, Ali. Now, go back to sleep!

[Aliantha]

It's been over two months since I posted to this thread, and it might not be of interest to many, but there are a few who I'd like to keep posted of our progress.

Things are in general much better now than they were, but many days are still a struggle. We have more good days than bad now though, so that's a good thing. I've never really understood what having depression meant before. I find that some days I feel like I'm fooling myself into feeling good about things on some level, but then I think I'm just being a dick and things really are good, but then I have these thoughts about how it's all just an illusion. It's kind of like a vicious cycle in some ways...the awareness of how I'm feeling on a conscious level. I'm still pretty fragile in that it doesn't take a whole lot for the dark thoughts to come creeping back in, but at least now I know that I can get past it and that it will pass rather than previously when I felt like it would never end to the point where life really did seem pretty futile.

I've caught up on most of my sleep. I can even stay up past 9pm these days...just like a big girl! I went to my 20yr high school reunion a few weeks ago. That was a big challenge, but thanks to a few wonderful people, I was able to generate the courage to go, and I had a nice time. I didn't stay too long. It was a bit overwhelming, but I did get contact details for the important ones, so that made it worthwhile.

I've had some pretty serious back pain for the last couple of weeks, thanks to a calf I was helping my Dad out with. speaking of which, I had a close encounter with an eastern brown snake while I was there. The snake no longer lives. Dad shot it. I ran over another one in the driveway. There are a lot coming closer to people at the moment because it's so dry in the area. Hopefully they'll get some rain soon. I also got to see some ducklings hatching, so that was sweet.

Anyway, Dazza has been super busy. He's now on the board of directors for a government body that allocates funds for fisheries research, so that's good for his career, and he expects to be offered a job at a Uni in the next couple of days which will mean much less travelling and more time to work on private projects, so that'll be good on a number of levels.

All the kids are doing well. They seem to have all entered into a phase of peace and harmony with each other and with us as parents. The big boys have really been trying to help out and do the right thing, and Max is just delightful. He's 8 months old now and still has a few movement issues which suggest mild CP, but we're hopeful that working on his movement while the neural pathways are still quite plastic while he's still so young will provide him with the results he'll need to lead a normal life and enjoy sports and any other activities he might choose to participate in in the future.

So that's about it. I've been thinking about writing a book about our experiences over the last couple of years. I was going to call it something like "Here We Go Again". We'll see though. That will require a level of commitment I'm not sure I'm willing to give just yet. Maybe down the track a bit.

[ZenGum]

Thanks Ali, I've been wondering about you.

[DanaC]

I think that's probably one of the best descriptions of the feeling you get in between bouts of depression that I've read in ages.

I'm glad you're finding things easier/less stressful now. Congrats to Dazza btw for the place on the board. And fingers crossed for that Uni job, as it sounds like he'll be around more.

On the book, maybe don't start it as such a big project. Maybe just start with random bits. Describe events or periods that stick out in your mind. Not necessarily with the absolute intention of them being a book, but just as an exercise in themselves.

[Trilby]

I am glad you're feeling a bit better, Ali. I have been there - depressed, I mean, obviously, not Oz