Your Valentine could be a psychopath!

I agree with Dar. Addicts/Alcoholics love to make THEIR problem YOUR fault. I wouldn't go around saying to your sister, "You'll never change," but on the other hand I would not give her a level of trust that she has done nothing to earn. By all means, keep your valuables locked up and if you feel a need to help her, buy a couple bags of groceries for her, rather than giving her cash. Stuff like that.

It is certainly unfortunate that those were your sister's last words to your mother, and anyone would feel bad about such a thing, but it sounds as though your sister is using the incident to sink into morbid self-pity and giving herself yet one more reason to use. You might remind her that she does not have that kind of power over others. Her words do NOT cause people to go around dropping dead.

I was involved for a while with a man who was alcoholic (I sure can pick 'em!) I learned a few things in the process, though. The reason alcoholics/addicts use is because they are addicts. Period. An alcoholic will get drunk to celebrate good news, just as he will get drunk to drown his sorrows. Its not what happens to them or how others respond to them that cause an alcoholic to drink. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. Same thing with druggies.

The corollary of the above is that the addict's problem is addiction. Whatever was going on with them before they picked up the drug has now become irrelevent in the face of their addiction. So your sister's problem is not that you don't believe her, its not that she was shown a bad example by your Dad, its not that she had to go to jail, its not that she said something mean to your Mom. Her problem is that she is a drug addict. End of story. Don't let her get away with telling you otherwise.

[WabUfvot5]

I drank because the cat was alive, I drank because the cat was dead.

[wolf]

Drunks, particularly dry drunks (and addicts) love talking about causes and triggers and stressors and people and places and things and a lot of other words they carefully learned to parrot in rehab and 12-step meetings.

The truth is that they like doing what they are doing. They choose to continue doing it. Or not.

It is far too simplistic to say that an alcoholic or an addict "likes" what they are doing. There is a vast difference between "liking" and being addicted. I knew a man in my ex boyfriend's AA group who had managed to stay clean and sober for 5 years. This man then had a relapse and out of his despair over this, put a gun to his head and shot himself. He hardly "liked" going back to the sentence of hell on earth that using alcohol imposed upon him.

Alcoholism has been classified as a disease for the past 60 years. No one wakes up one day and says to themselves, "Hey, I think I'll go out and destroy my life and have a miserable impact on the lives of those closest to me by becoming an alcoholic. What a great idea! Why didn't I think of it sooner?"

Alcoholics and addicts are certainly great rationalizers when it comes to reasons why they continue to drink or use. This denial is part of the disease. An alcoholic who can actually state, "I drink because I am an alcoholic," has made a great step toward recovery by finally admitting that he has the condition.

Frankly, I think it is a mistake on the part of the courts and the medical profession to court order AA or rehab. A person forced against his will into such programs merely becomes "treatment wise" and spouts the appropriate jargon to probation officers and medical workers in order to get let off the hook and be free to go use again.

The people who walk into the doors of AA or NA of their own free will do not do so because they "liked" what they were doing. They come into a 12 Step program beause they hate the compulsion they have to drink or use and are desperate to find a find a way to stop.

[Iggy]

Originally Posted by dar512

Don't buy into this, Iggy. The correct answer to that question is, "for your own self-respect." It sounds like she's trying to make you responsible for her not changing.

This is exactly what she is doing, and I know it. And I tell her that she is trying to blame me for her actions. I did not tell her to do drugs. I always told her not to, and pointed to the way our dad is living and asking her if that is what she wants. She of course says no and that she wants a better life. But then she decides she would rather have the instant gratification of getting high, so she does that instead of looking for a job.

I never believe for a second that I am the root of her problems, or in any way responsible. But I do know she will use my distrust as an excuse and I choose not to give her fragile mind the fuel for her delusions. She knows that I keep everything locked up and it is because I don't trust her not to steal. But she also knows that it is all she ever does and I am not without reason to believe as I do.

But when she does good I praise her and tell her that I knew she could do it, even if I had my doubts. My main worry then is how long she will keep on the clean road. It is never for very long. I think 8 months is the longest, and since I wasn't around all the time then it is possible she was doing things and others did not notice. I know her behavior when she is using and I know she is using now.

She just got out of jail and started using again. She was there for 6 months so I really doubt there is any physical addiction now. It is just her mental dependancy to the drugs and her desire to continue doing them.

I know what you mean about an alcoholic not "liking" what they are doing, but I think I have to agree with wolf that she like what she is doing. I know that she enjoys the high. It is the after affects she doesn't like. So to minimize her experience with the consequences of her actions she does more drugs. It is a vicious cycle.

She also tells me she will never quit drinking or smoking pot. She doesn't think she needs to. She has expressed interest in stopping shooting up coke and snorting meth and as far as I know she has stopped this for the most part. Now she is taking Zanex (sp?) and pills like that instead. It is all part of her addiction.

She uses everything that goes bad as an excuse to do drugs. I know she has to be upset at what has happened in the past but I don't feel it is justification to ruin her life now. She isn't ready to quit. I don't think she will ever be ready to quit. She has told me that she almost died on a couple of occasions from an overdose, and has a friend go to the emergency room for an overdose before. She know she is playing with fire but chooses not to stop. I don't know how to make her stop, and there isn't any way I can make her that would have any lasting affect. She needs help but won't be able to get any until she acknowledges her problem.

[wolf]

Everything that goes bad is an excuse to do drugs. Everything that goes good is an excuse to do drugs.

No matter how it's couched, it's all excuses, never reasons.

I was bottle fed, spanked on occasion, and am the product of what used to be called, in hushed tones, a "broken home."

I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol, although I have plenty of excuses.

Yes, have DONE drugs and alcohol. But I don't need to.

I know a man who is full blooded native American - Mohican - and grew up in Canada. His mother was walking down the side of the road drunk one night when she stepped into the path of an oncoming car and was killed instantly. My friend was three years old at the time. He was raised by his father and grandfather - both of them serious alcoholics. He was beaten often by his grandfather when the old man had been drinking and the old man drank every chance he got. By 18, my friend was well on the way to following in the foot steps of the rest of his family. He told me that one night he passed out in an open field and came to and just laid there for a long time looking up at the sky. He didn't want to lead the kind of life his father and grandfather had. He got into AA, and left his town in Canada to join the US Army. He has been clean and sober for 23 years now. I respect the hell out of him for this. Here is a man who probably has every single gene for addiction switched to "on," and who grew up in the perfect environment to turn a person into a raging alcoholic or addict. His story shows that there is hope for every person who thinks that fate has forced them to become addicted and stay addicted.