Grandparent and grandchildren

[Alluvial]

I couldn't decide if this was a Relationship thing or a Parenting thing.

Anyway, I have two little grandsons who live on the East Coast. They are 3 yrs old and 1 yr old. I feel obligated to keep up a good relationship with them because that's what Grannies do.

My problem is their dad - my step son. In the past few years his political beliefs have gotten more and more extreme. It used to be that we could disagree and yet have a normal conversation. It's not that way any more. I haven't said anything to him (or his wife) but I have a great desire to pull away from them emotionally. I don't want confrontation, I'd like to walk away and leave them be - but I'd also like for them to leave me be.

However, that's not going to fit well with a loving, doting Granny, is it? I find myself cool towards the little boys because of this wedge that's between their Dad and myself.

I'm wondering, is it possible to have a good relationship with grandchildren in spite of a poor relationship with their parents? Should I 'fake' feelings of closeness? What do you think?

[xoxoxoBruce]

"feelings of closeness"?
Isn't polite sufficient for your step-son, the close at your want with the grandkids?

[Alluvial]

Yes. Well. No. I'm torn.

Too close to the situation to see the path out, I think.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I see, your head and heart are having a domestic dispute. I better stay out of it or they both might kick my ass.

[Alluvial]

lol !

I believe the kid in me wants to take my marbles and go home, i.e. wash my hands of all of them.

The Mom in me is chastising me for that, saying it's not the little boys' fault and I should continue to stay involved in their lives.

The teenager in me is saying "This is gonna SUCK."

:p

[xoxoxoBruce]

Well, you seem to have a clear picture of the problem, they say that's half the battle.

[Gravdigr]

Why/how would you and your stepson's political views affect/effect your feelings toward your step-grandchildren?

Honestly, I just don't get how the entire population of the country is so bent on division.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by Alluvial

It used to be that we could disagree and yet have a normal conversation. It's not that way any more.

Do you mean that he is berating you, or aggressively pushing his beliefs at every opportunity? Or is it that you simply find them so repulsive that you can't be around him even when the conversation is about other things?

If he's truly being verbally abusive or deliberately antagonizing you, I can see the need to get away. But if you just really, really hate his beliefs, I think you are the one being unreasonable. One of the lessons I have repeatedly taught to my own children is that you don't talk about politics or religion in polite company. It's just not productive. All civil people ought to be able to ignore such disagreements for the sake of family.

But like I said, if he's the one who keeps bringing it up, that's a different issue. I'd bring it up with his wife or other relatives before cutting all ties, though, to see if maybe he doesn't understand how off-putting his behavior is, and give him a chance to behave more tolerably.

[Alluvial]

Excellent point, and I agree that people should be able to avoid disagreeable conversations for the sake of family.

I have not had much communication with him for about a year, but I have tried to speak to him about how pushing these things on me turns me off. The smart thing to do, I reckon, is to give him time to change.

[Alluvial]

Gravdigr, he's pushy about his views and doesn't know when to back off or slow down when talking about them. He mistakenly takes his rantings for "discussion". He's also one of these who thinks if he talks louder he will be more convincing.

Last winter he was convinced that the government was going to come take his guns and ammunition away, and/or that there was going to be some reason that he would need all the firepower and bullets he could get. He was going to buy a lot of ammo but they needed the money for bills and groceries - his wife was able to eventually talk him out of it. He seriously was going to buy ammo before groceries. That disturbed me.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Alluvial

Gravdigr, he's pushy about his views and doesn't know when to back off or slow down when talking about them. He mistakenly takes his rantings for "discussion". He's also one of these who thinks if he talks louder he will be more convincing.

Last winter he was convinced that the government was going to come take his guns and ammunition away, and/or that there was going to be some reason that he would need all the firepower and bullets he could get. He was going to buy a lot of ammo but they needed the money for bills and groceries - his wife was able to eventually talk him out of it. He seriously was going to buy ammo before groceries. That disturbed me.

It disturbed you to the point you cooled off on the step-grandchildren?

I didn't mean to sound like I was siding with either one of you, btw.

To look at this a little differently, if he bought a car you didn't like, and crowed, and crowed about what an awesome car he has, would you be feeling this way toward the step-grandchildren?

I was only curious why the step-grandchild/step-grandmother relationship has to suffer cuz the two of you don't care for each other's opinion.

Having said this, I have no children, no step-children, no grandchildren, and no step-grandchildren.

Which may explain why I don't get it.

[Alluvial]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

It disturbed you to the point you cooled off on the step-grandchildren?

It made me want to distance myself from him, and them, yes.

To look at this a little differently, if he bought a car you didn't like, and crowed, and crowed about what an awesome car he has, would you be feeling this way toward the step-grandchildren?

If he bought a car which he didn't need, instead of buying groceries, (which was the thing about the ammo; he was wanting to spend money on that instead of bills & groceries), yes, I'd not want to be close to him. It wasn't the item purchased, it was the idea that he would buy something un-needed rather than feeding his kids that took me aback. And that he let the nut-case narrative get to him so much that he believes their nonsense about buying large amounts of ammo.

I was only curious why the step-grandchild/step-grandmother relationship has to suffer cuz the two of you don't care for each other's opinion.

It's an 'avoidance' reaction. I don't yell at or nag people, I leave, that's my thing. In this case, I feel a lot of negativity around my stepson and I just don't want to be close to him.

Having said this, I have no children, no step-children, no grandchildren, and no step-grandchildren.

Which may explain why I don't get it.

Billions and billions of words have been written about parent-child relationships yet it's still difficult to relate how it feels. It's very strange, here is a person who is a part of you yet a separate person. Kids can hurt you or make you angrier than anyone else, because of the closeness, I reckon.

Clear as mud, right?

Anyway, I have been thinking about the original issue and I've decided that I am just going to let it ride and see how things go.

[Urbane Guerrilla]

It's not extremism to limit one's trust in the State, especially in times when it is enlarging. It is merely Jeffersonian. The trick is to be healthily skeptical; unhealthily is no good either. Yet, Mr. Obama is even less concerned with the rights and liberties of persons not among his cronies than Mr. Clinton was, and Mr. Clinton viewed the Constitution less as a guide to his behavior than as a stumbling-block to his ambition. I did not vote for either one of them.

[Alluvial]

Agreed, some skepticism is a good thing; nobody should blindly trust government. In the case of this ammunition thing, I think his priorities were out of order. It's not like he didn't have *any* - he did.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by Alluvial

I have not had much communication with him for about a year, but I have tried to speak to him about how pushing these things on me turns me off. The smart thing to do, I reckon, is to give him time to change.

Or just wait until a Republican is in office again. Then it will be the other half of the country's turn to be pissed off all the time. In the meantime, when he does bring his beliefs up, The Miss Manners response would be something suitably vague that he can misinterpret however he wants.

"Obama wants to take our guns!!"
"Oh don't even get me started! I can't even think about that subject without getting all worked up again... Tell me, how are the kids doing?"