Adventures in Cooking

wolf · 01-01-2003, 11:30 AM

I don't get the opportunity to cook a lot, mostly related (this is my story and I'm sticking to it) to the fact that I work nights, and just don't have the time.

But I can make stuff much more complex than reservations for dinner.

So anyway, as you know, I'm on vacation.

A time of fun and low-stress activities.

For most people.

This is me remember ...

My boyfriend and I have been given a thoughtful gift of a turkey by one of his friends who ended up with an extra one.

And WHAT an extra. 21 pounder. Birdzilla.

I'm all ready to go. Decisions have been made regarding stuffing (cheating with Stove-Top to reduce the cooking time) and other side dishes (including couscous. I'm going all out here.)

Everything's ready to go. The beast is defrosted, sitting happily in the pan. I'm excited at the prospect of showing off my cooking prowess. I just hope I don't kill us with salmonella poisoning. Which now appears likely.

Put the oven on preheat. On schedule the little light clicked off and I hoisted the pan into the oven.

Closed the oven door and returned to the relative safety of the office to alllow the magic of heat and meat to happen.

Went back to check on it after about a half-hour, expecting to be greeted by the lovely smells of turkey beginning to roast, the crack and sizzle of drippings hitting the pan ...

This is how things would work for most people.

Not me. Not today.

What do I find instead?

A pink, fleshy, INSOLENT 21 pound turkey, which looks exactly like it did 1/2 hour ago.

It is mocking me.

The oven doesn't work. To clarify, the lower heating element is apparently an ornament, placed in the base of the oven by the manufacturer to provide aesthetic balance for the broiler element.

I'm trying to figure out Plan B at this point (which may involve bribing a neighbor with the promise of turkey if I can borrow their oven for four to five hours).

Does anybody know if Dominoes is delivering today?

Griff · 01-01-2003, 11:40 AM

Oh No!!!!!!!! We've got loads of left over turkey from Christmas, should I call Fed Ex?

Elspode · 01-01-2003, 12:03 PM

I don't think Domino's delivers turkey at all...

Bummer on the oven thing, but it does beg a certain question...namely, is this the *first* time you've tried to use it, or has the element malfunctioned at some point in recent history? :-)

wolf · 01-01-2003, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Griff
Oh No!!!!!!!! We've got loads of left over turkey from Christmas, should I call Fed Ex?

I'm probably not too far from you ... I can run over and pick it up so long as the ice storm holds off ...

wolf · 01-01-2003, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Elspode
I don't think Domino's delivers turkey at all...

Bummer on the oven thing, but it does beg a certain question...namely, is this the *first* time you've tried to use it, or has the element malfunctioned at some point in recent history? :-)

It has worked previously, which is what's making this so frustrating.

And if you offer a sufficiently large tip, Domino's will deliver pretty much anything you want.

wolf · 01-01-2003, 03:49 PM

Well, birdzilla's stately pink presence continues to grace the refrigerator ... the cooking is tabled for the time being while we continue to investigate other options.

On the upside, I do have the most wonderfullest boyfriend on the face of the earth. He cooked up a mess of scrambled eggs.

Toast too.

We won't starve of course. We're not in the wilderness, but by gods I'm going to get that damn bird cooked one way or the other, even if I have to put a blowtorch to it. (This may require a trip to the hardware store tomorrow for another gas cylinder, but I'll do whatever it takes).

BrianR · 01-01-2003, 06:27 PM

um...point one: That bird will only keep for three days in the fridge before becoming deadly to you and all who partake of it's tender flesh.

Point two: heating elements are EASY to replace. Try fixing it.

*I* would have simply dropped it onto the gas grill outside and cooked it there like Bobby Flay does.

Brian

wolf · 01-01-2003, 08:13 PM

If I had a gas grill, I'd have been there.

Or a turkey fryer.

Or a tabletop roaster.

Or a sufficiently large pile of dry wood, with two "Y" shaped sticks to sling a spit across. However, it is raining and sleeting here, so that's out for the time being.

warch · 01-02-2003, 12:21 PM

Rats that sucks.
If its no oven and brink of tossing it: I'd ditch any stuffing inside and rinse it before proceding. You can butcher the thing- take pieces and cook them on the stove top- brown in oil (with some seasoning- chopped garlic, or onion, celery,carrots) then cook more slowly- simmer in a bit of liquid (water or broth or wine or canned tomatos) with a lid, Or at least carve off the breast meat and stir fry it.

wolf · 01-02-2003, 12:22 PM

ahhh ...

The kindness of others has saved the day (Okay, the day after).

Birdzilla is now happily sitting in a very hot oven ... not the original one ... repair guy should be by next Tuesday for that.

She's roasting nicely ... it's only been in there for a half-hour, but goddamn it smells *good*.

Another four hours or so, we'll be eating ourselves silly.

warch · 01-02-2003, 12:26 PM

Great! Enjoy your anticipatory smells. Youve given me a pleasant sense memory.

wolf · 01-03-2003, 11:08 AM

I have recently awakened from an L-Triptophan induced stupor ... The turkey was absolutely awesome, wasn't it honey? [mumbled response from background "Yes, dear." (*thunderous belch*)]

That's more like it ...

It actually came out looking like a tv commerical turkey, however, it was actually cooked, and the brown crispy color was not painted on ...

I did take pictures, but of course the "one thing that didn't get packed" was the USB cable for my camera. Better that than my toothbrush.

elSicomoro · 01-03-2003, 05:42 PM

What? None left over for us?

wolf · 01-04-2003, 10:19 AM

There are plenty leftovers ... in a turkey-sodden market. I tried to GIVE away a turkey sandwich (to the gentleman who gifted us the turkey) and it was like offering garlic to a vampire. Apparently everybody (except me and the BF) are on turkey overload right now.

In any event, stop on by, and you can have yourself a big ol' turkey sandwich ...

(last night's leftover variant was shredded turkey with couscous.)

elSicomoro · 01-04-2003, 10:23 AM

Go figure...NOW you offer on the day that I don't have the car...yeah, thanks a lot Wolf!

01-01-2003, 11:30 AM	#1
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Adventures in Cooking I don't get the opportunity to cook a lot, mostly related (this is my story and I'm sticking to it) to the fact that I work nights, and just don't have the time. But I can make stuff much more complex than reservations for dinner. So anyway, as you know, I'm on vacation. A time of fun and low-stress activities. For most people. This is me remember ... My boyfriend and I have been given a thoughtful gift of a turkey by one of his friends who ended up with an extra one. And WHAT an extra. 21 pounder. Birdzilla. I'm all ready to go. Decisions have been made regarding stuffing (cheating with Stove-Top to reduce the cooking time) and other side dishes (including couscous. I'm going all out here.) Everything's ready to go. The beast is defrosted, sitting happily in the pan. I'm excited at the prospect of showing off my cooking prowess. I just hope I don't kill us with salmonella poisoning. Which now appears likely. Put the oven on preheat. On schedule the little light clicked off and I hoisted the pan into the oven. Closed the oven door and returned to the relative safety of the office to alllow the magic of heat and meat to happen. Went back to check on it after about a half-hour, expecting to be greeted by the lovely smells of turkey beginning to roast, the crack and sizzle of drippings hitting the pan ... This is how things would work for most people. Not me. Not today. What do I find instead? A pink, fleshy, INSOLENT 21 pound turkey, which looks exactly like it did 1/2 hour ago. It is mocking me. The oven doesn't work. To clarify, the lower heating element is apparently an ornament, placed in the base of the oven by the manufacturer to provide aesthetic balance for the broiler element. I'm trying to figure out Plan B at this point (which may involve bribing a neighbor with the promise of turkey if I can borrow their oven for four to five hours). Does anybody know if Dominoes is delivering today? __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

01-01-2003, 11:40 AM	#2
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Oh No!!!!!!!! We've got loads of left over turkey from Christmas, should I call Fed Ex? __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

01-01-2003, 12:03 PM	#3
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	I don't think Domino's delivers turkey at all... Bummer on the oven thing, but it does beg a certain question...namely, is this the first time you've tried to use it, or has the element malfunctioned at some point in recent history? :-) __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

01-01-2003, 03:49 PM	#6
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Update Well, birdzilla's stately pink presence continues to grace the refrigerator ... the cooking is tabled for the time being while we continue to investigate other options. On the upside, I do have the most wonderfullest boyfriend on the face of the earth. He cooked up a mess of scrambled eggs. Toast too. We won't starve of course. We're not in the wilderness, but by gods I'm going to get that damn bird cooked one way or the other, even if I have to put a blowtorch to it. (This may require a trip to the hardware store tomorrow for another gas cylinder, but I'll do whatever it takes). __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

01-01-2003, 06:27 PM	#7
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	um...point one: That bird will only keep for three days in the fridge before becoming deadly to you and all who partake of it's tender flesh. Point two: heating elements are EASY to replace. Try fixing it. I would have simply dropped it onto the gas grill outside and cooked it there like Bobby Flay does. Brian __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

01-01-2003, 08:13 PM	#8
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	If I had a gas grill, I'd have been there. Or a turkey fryer. Or a tabletop roaster. Or a sufficiently large pile of dry wood, with two "Y" shaped sticks to sling a spit across. However, it is raining and sleeting here, so that's out for the time being. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

01-02-2003, 12:21 PM	#9
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	Rats that sucks. If its no oven and brink of tossing it: I'd ditch any stuffing inside and rinse it before proceding. You can butcher the thing- take pieces and cook them on the stove top- brown in oil (with some seasoning- chopped garlic, or onion, celery,carrots) then cook more slowly- simmer in a bit of liquid (water or broth or wine or canned tomatos) with a lid, Or at least carve off the breast meat and stir fry it.

01-02-2003, 12:22 PM	#10
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	ahhh ... The kindness of others has saved the day (Okay, the day after). Birdzilla is now happily sitting in a very hot oven ... not the original one ... repair guy should be by next Tuesday for that. She's roasting nicely ... it's only been in there for a half-hour, but goddamn it smells good. Another four hours or so, we'll be eating ourselves silly. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

01-02-2003, 12:26 PM	#11
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	Great! Enjoy your anticipatory smells. Youve given me a pleasant sense memory.

01-03-2003, 11:08 AM	#12
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Success I have recently awakened from an L-Triptophan induced stupor ... The turkey was absolutely awesome, wasn't it honey? [mumbled response from background "Yes, dear." (thunderous belch)] That's more like it ... It actually came out looking like a tv commerical turkey, however, it was actually cooked, and the brown crispy color was not painted on ... I did take pictures, but of course the "one thing that didn't get packed" was the USB cable for my camera. Better that than my toothbrush. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

01-03-2003, 05:42 PM	#13
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	What? None left over for us?

01-04-2003, 10:19 AM	#14
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	There are plenty leftovers ... in a turkey-sodden market. I tried to GIVE away a turkey sandwich (to the gentleman who gifted us the turkey) and it was like offering garlic to a vampire. Apparently everybody (except me and the BF) are on turkey overload right now. In any event, stop on by, and you can have yourself a big ol' turkey sandwich ... (last night's leftover variant was shredded turkey with couscous.) __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

01-04-2003, 10:23 AM	#15
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	Go figure...NOW you offer on the day that I don't have the car...yeah, thanks a lot Wolf!

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