6th-Grader Suicide -right way to deal with classmates?

[monster]

A sixth-grader at our local middle school (the one my kids should attend if we hadn't opted out) committed suicide on Thursday. 12 years old. By all accounts, a bit of an arty, imaginative kid, not one of the in-crowd, but not one you'd suspect of being depressed, and not one that was "bullied" either -as far as I can tell- some kids like him, some thought he was weird, but generally he muddled along OK and was usually happy. (Hurrah for facebook) Of course these things are always seen through rose-colored glasses after the event.

Here's my issue/question. The family refuse to acknowledge the cause/manner of death at all. The obit (released today) says "died unexpectedly". But we all "know" it was suicide. Why? Because we all know someone who works at the hospital where he was taken and stuff spreads. It may be a huge town, but it's still a town. Even I heard it was a suicide within hours and I don't have a kid at the school.

So the kids "know" he killed himself, but they really don't understand why. They are being given counselling at the school, but they are not allowed to talk about suicide or why he is dead during these sessions. How is this counselling supposed to help? And because there is no official admission of suicide, a couple of kids are speculating murder and are scared.

Apparently, it's the family's wish that no-one knows the true nature of his death. I feel that this is not OK, because there are evidently other people who cared -young people with young emotions and they also deserve to know the truth. Denying the truth is not sheltering them, just fuelling their fears. And they are at they age where we most encourage them to ask questions. I do understand that the family wants to be left alone, but they shared their child with society by sending him to school. Is it now OK to shut out those who knew him/came to care for him?

Today "friends of the family" started posting on facebook to ask his classmates to stop posting his image and posting condolences and memories because they do not want it to become a big thing

This is a request from the xxxx family.

They understand and appreciate your concerns very much. But the amount of rumors they have been hearing are exponentially growing. On top of hearing that, they have to cope with what they are left with. They just want less stress in their lives for now. So please, if you will, stop telling say...ing what you think his cause of death was. xxxx is and will be the only person who knows. Also, please try to refrain from making his picture your profile picture. The more people make it their profile picture, the more people will comment, and say things they shouldn't. Thanks!
xxxx will forever be missed. ♥

I understand what they are trying to achieve, but I think they are wrong. I think they are underestimating how much this kid's death affected his classmates. He was 12, ffs. And so were his classmates. They don't know how to express what they feel, they're bound to "do it wrong" Is it really OK to try and stop them? I think not

[footfootfoot]

Sucks. The reactions of the family and friends seems selfish and weird to me, Prideful. I often feel there is a lot to be divined from the reaction of the family.

I have a lot more to say, but I can't really get it together right now.

[glatt]

I can't imagine how horrible it would be to lose a child, let alone to suicide. I can see it fucking a person up. I'd cut the parents a huge amount of slack here. I think they are doing it wrong, but they have every right to be acting bizarre.

[footfootfoot]

Yeah. You are right. It is fucking horrible.

[ZenGum]

As Glatt said, the family are doing it tough and should be cut lots of slack. but this:

They are being given counselling at the school, but they are not allowed to talk about suicide or why he is dead during these sessions.

... is #$&%ing crazy.

[Aliantha]

I can't imagine the horror these parents are going through, and I can understand their need for privacy.

I don't think they'll be able to quiet the kids down other than to simply close down his FB page which would probably be the ideal way to go with a child that age.

As far as how the other kids are dealing with it, I think this is a time when their own parents have to step up. It's not up to the dead child's parents to care for them now. Surely they're flat out caring for themselves right now.

Children at that age are so susceptible to peer pressure. They're just entering the age where being part of the group is very important. It's also a time when kids like to copy cat a lot, which I assume is why the school is trying to hush up the whole suicide aspect of it. I don't know if this is right or wrong, but again, the individual parents should take their kids to a private counsellor if they aren't happy with the conselling provided by the school.

Really, I think it's an opportunity for parents to get in touch with their own kids and deal with it within the family. Whatever anyone else does will not have anywhere near the same impact as the concern and understanding of the parents.

[monster]

The kid did not have a FB page. But many of his classmates did (and yes, they must've lied about their age), but FB is the main way they express themselves these days. They're hurt and confused and they need to reach out and talk about it and their counsellors won't be real with them....

[monster]

I really do understand that their parents want to keep it private and preserve the memory of their son as a nice, happy child, but their son interacted with and affected the lives of hundreds of kids around his age. some of those kids really liked him, Suddenly he's gone, with no explanation. I'd worry about a 12yo who didn't question the lack of information.

[Aliantha]

Yep, my kids use FB in a big way and they're only a couple of years older, but have been using it for a few years now (yes they lied about their age and I knew they were doing it).

FB could be a great tool for this, but I still think the individual parents need to be looking over their own kids shoulders for any conversations that might get out of control. I know I would be. Kids are so emotional at that age and it doesn't take much for them to work themselves and others up. Better to head that sort of behaviour off at the pass imo.

eta: I don't mean try and stop them from being emotional about it, but to try and guide them through the maze of emotions they're going to be feeling and help them through it.

[monster]

agreed, ish. it needs to be the parents of each kid involved. Not the family of the kid who died sayinng STFU. They don't get why they should. I totally get that the family is hurt and confused. But others are too, and they are also babies like the deceased. Respect their love for your child rather than hating them because they are still alive.

[Aliantha]

Losing a child is probably the hardest thing a parent can ever have to go through. I don't think they've been rude in their responses from what you've posted. Again, the other kids parents should be explaining why the boys parents are responding that way. I seriously doubt they'd have the emotional strength left over to worry about other people's kids atm.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I've never seen suicide in an obit. Most of the time they don't give the cause of death at all.

It is generally accepted that at least 30 percent of male hanging deaths are related to AeA.

[Aliantha]

I wonder if it's possible the child didn't actually intend to kill himself.

I was reminded of this story and was surprised at the coincidence in the location.

MUNDY TOWNSHIP, Michigan — It had been a perfectly normal August day when Maiya Bowman apparently decided to play a game.

The 13-year-old Grand Blanc West Middle School student had spent the afternoon at her grandmother's house and was looking forward to a trip to Michigan's Adventure the following weekend. She had dreams of attending Penn State on a basketball scholarship to study fashion design.

But that night, Maiya tried to make herself pass out for a rush and never came out of it, her parents said.

It was supposed to be fun, a game even.

It was deadly.

eta: I would say that if by some chance, this or something similar was the cause of death, then the parents and authorities might not want to put it out there too much. I suppose on the other hand, talking about the dangers of the 'game' would be a good idea too. It depends which way you want to parent your kids, although my opinion is that the more info kids have about things like this, the better.

[DanaC]

God what a fucking nightmare for all concerned. I feel for the parents, I really do. But attempting to silence his classmates, and prevent them from posting the boy's pic on their own facebook pages is not good. Fine for them to ask kids not to contact them or post to the family's facebook pages, but that's as far as they should go really.

If they find it upsetting that people on Facebook are discussing the matter then they really need to not visit Facebook right now. The boy's classmates are trying to find a way to understand, rationalise and express their feelings. This kind of impromptu symbolism is important. If lots of the kids are putting the boy's pic up as their profile on Facebook then it has become a group expression. This is clearly how they are dealing with the news.

The family have a right to grieve in whatever way they do. But the children with whom their son played and lived a large portion of his day to day life also have a right to choose how they grieve and how they cope with a potentially quite overwhelming life lesson.

As to keeping the suicide a secret. Again, I understand their desire not to have that out there. But if it is already out there, then they are shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. All they are able to do now is clamp down on the aftermath. In doing so they are preventing youngsters from being able to access good, honest and therefore useful grief counselling.

How on earth is the counsellor supposed to help these children come to terms with their schoolmate's death if they have to put a veil over half the relevant information?

Personally, I think the school should have refused to agree to that condition. The counsellor should have refused. It is not appropriate to make such a central factor a no-go topic, when that is one of the main issues the children need to understand.

[glatt]

Counselors should be able to talk about suicide with the kids who are trying to wrap their heads around this, but I think it's reasonable to not talk about the cause of death for this specific kid. There are privacy laws, and they can't share information with other kids about whatever issues this lid was dealing with.

They can use this as an opportunity to talk in general about teen suicide, and about how even if you think someone has all their shit together, you probably are wrong.