Dad's house

[DanaC]

God what a fucking week. Some of you may recall I mentioned a while ago that my dad, who is seriously ill, has been living in a house with no water supply for the past couple of years....the house I grew up in and which I haven't set foot inside since i was in my teens on account of dad not letting anybody past his front door.

Welll.....apparently it burned to the ground about two weeks ago. I found out last night from my mum after she'd had a telephone conversation with dad. She wasn't supposed to tell me, he'd asked her not to tell 'the kids'. How on earth he expected her not to tell us about this I don't know, but hey, that's dad for you.

So....now he's in temporary accomodation and awaiting sheltered housing, which is a good thing. However, everything he owned and all the antiques from India, memoribilia, family photos, letters, Grandfather's unpublished memoirs and a host of other stuff I thought I might one day get to see have gone up in smoke.....and his insurance lapsed two years ago.

Funny old world ain't it?

I'm sorry to hear that, *sends loving and healing energy to you and yours*. I'm glad it was just stuff and no one was hurt badly.

[DanaC]

Thanks rage. In truth it's probably a blessing in disguise. At least now he's in a warm centrally heated flat with running water and access to a warden if his breathing starts to go. Stubborn man, it took a catastrophe to get him out :P

[HungLikeJesus]

DanaC - I'm too new to the Cellar to know the history, but it sounds like you've been through a lot. I have friends whose parents or grandparents are facing some of these issues with their older relatives.

I hope everything works out.

[Clodfobble]

Dana, are you certain the fire was an accident? I don't mean to imply anything untoward about your dad, it's just that from what you've described of him he seems like the kind of guy who would rather engineer a way for him to have to move into a better place rather than finally admit that his living conditions were unacceptable like you kids have been telling him for so long.

At any rate, I'm very glad no one was hurt, and glad he's got proper facilities now.

[bluecuracao]

It does kind of sound like a blessing in disguise...hopefully his health will improve in better surroundings.

[DanaC]

Clod that thought thought did cross my mind. For one thing, he probably doesn't have many years left to him and he knows that. He's been in intensive care four times in the last two years and the last time was really close. I think my dad's worst nightmare would be the knowledge that after he dies we might go into his house and see the state of the place...not to mention be able to piece him together like a jigsaw from all that stuff. He's always kept the largest part of himself and his life a mystery to us, just the way he is. I love him, but I wouldn't say I know him.

Blue that's exactly my hope. End of the day his health is more important to me than anything that burned in the house. More important even than knowing I won't ever be able to get past the mask and know who he is underneath it now.

[Sundae]

Dana, really sorry to hear that so much of what was effectively family history is now lost.

Very glad to hear your Dad is safe and well and now getting the help he needs. I know if must be a great weight off your mind not to have to weigh up the pros and cons of forcing him out of his home at some point in the future. Just because he's a proud old so-and-so, doesn't mean he doesn't require care and assistance.

I seem to remember some of the burden of care was still falling on your Mum despite their separation (divorce?). Are things easier for her now too?

[Rexmons]

pride is a son of a bitch.

[DanaC]

Y'know Sundae, I think things will be easier for mum now. She felt a huge obligation to invite dad over to stay whenever he was really ill despite the fact they have been divorced for 25 years. I know she was happy to have him visit and stay over night rather than having to drive back the same night, but it was getting a little difficult having him stay for weeks at a time. She cares for him a great deal y'know, but she certainly doesn't want to live with him :P

Pride is a bitch. Stubbornness too. Dad has both by the bucket load.

Knowing he's safe and apparently happier than he's been in years is a major weight off my mind. You don't realise how much a part of you that underlying worry has become until it's suddenly lifted. Now he's happy and safe and with a fighting chance at some quality of life for the time he has left. Everything else is just trivia. I couldn't have hoped for a better outcome in truth. Granted I had a bad day or two over the loss of the house and contents, but frankly, if I could have predicted this as an outcome I'd have burned the damned place down myself :P

[limey]

Dana, I'm glad this has worked out well for you, and it's just stuff that you've lost, not a parent.
Hugs.

[Cyclefrance]

My dad, who passed on 5 years ago now, went through the motion of gradually clearing out 'the mess' as he called it, but which was really the memories of his life. He felt a need, as my surviving parent, to save me from having the job of doing it when he was gone. An unfortunate logic as just a handful of photographs remained that was of any consequence. Things I remembered from my youth and as a young man were jettisoned from his life, including his war medals and various personal items like his pocket watch and pieces of glass and china that were personal to him and my mother who had already died. It all came down to retaining just the bare essentials to keep his life, from his point of view, simple and under control.

So now I have no old photos of him - ones that I remembered seeing like those when he served in North Africa in the Second World War, and others of us as a family on holiday in the 50's.

Maybe it's not so uncommon. Sad for us but, in some cases, essential for our elders.

[Sundae]

When my maternal grandmother died, my Mum went to their bungalow to check on what Grandad had to wear for the funeral. After all he hadn't managed his own clothes in his life - East End Mums did that for their sons and wives took over when they married.

There in the wardrobe was his "good" black suit, still in a bag from the dry cleaner. In a carrier bag on the same hanger was a new plastic wrapped white shirt from Marks & Spencer, and a pair of brand new black M&S Wool Rich socks.

Nan obviously realised in the weeks before she went into hospital that there was a chance she was on her final approach and sorted everything ahead of time. That moved me quite profoundly.

Sorry to hear you also missed out on the material side of the family memories CF. But as you say, it seems to be the way some people prepare for death and we wouldn't take that comfort from them given the choice.