Spare Kids

[Aliantha]

I've decided to post this thread and see if other people think the same thing about a particular situation I'm in at the moment which I think is a bit weird.

We have some neighbours across the road, and they're a family of 6. 5 kids and mother who we have a fairly friendly neighbourly relationship with to the extent that we'll sometimes have a glass of wine together and so forth. Father is off the scene. There was domestic violence and he's not allowed back on the street at this point.

Anyway, about 4 weeks ago, mother (K) goes to New Zealand to take care of her own mother while she's moving house. She was supposed to only been gone for a week or so, but it's now a month. The three younger children aged 5, 9 and 11 were left in the care of the two older boys aged 16 and 17 who are in their last and second last year at high school. Over here, it's almost exam time for seniors, so the two older boys have lots of study to do, along with showing up at their part time jobs several times a week each.

Last Saturday the oldest boy (C) went out and didn't come home till the next day at about 3pm. Obviously we were all concerned and when he finally got home he came to my house rather sheepishly to apologize for me having to look after the three younger ones. His explanation was that he just couldn't cope with the kids anymore and didn't know what to do because he feels he's not meeting any of his commitments now.

Long story short, I offered to take care of the younger three and support them till their mother gets home (which is supposedly this Friday or Saturday but time will tell).

The thing I can't make a decision on at this stage is whether I should call child protective services or not. I would rather not because I don't want to see these kids split up but on the other hand, I'm not their legal guardian, so if something happens while I'm caring for them, I'd like to know that I'm not going to be held responsible (if that doesn't sound too mercenary). They're great kids, and they deserve a lot better than they've been getting from both their parents. All five of them are. I'll also mention that C the oldest boy thinks he's bisexual (I suspect he's just plain gay but what would I know), so that's another issue/challenge he's working through at the moment. He's also school captain so has extra responsibilities there.

Thoughts?

I admire you & your heart.
I also want you to seek council and cover your ass for that very reason.
Be thinking of you, them, and sending love.

[Cloud]

a household of minors has been left alone for a month? Yeah, I think I'd call Family Services. I'd hate to do it, but it's certainly justified. I'd probably wait until Friday or Saturday, but if she doesn't turn up by then, yeah.

In fact, I probably wouldn't be nice enough to care for the young'uns, like you-I'd just call.

[Aliantha]

Thanks rkz. I appreciate your thoughts.

Cloud, yeah, there's a big part of me that says go ahead and make the call. On the other hand, if I do call and they take them away, who's to say that they wont end up in a bad situation anyway? We've all heard the horror stories, and at least I know that they're safe with us and their big brothers are just across the road. They come over every arvo and spend some time with their siblings, and the kids go back across when they need stuff from home.

Dazza and I have talked about it a lot. His upbringing was not so hot, so he wants to help the kids too although left to his own devices he probably wouldn't have involved himself.

[DucksNuts]

Cant you call Family Services and kinda tell them the story?

Like you agreed to care for them, but the Mother has been kept away a lot longer than she thought and you just want to sus out the legalities of the situation should something happen?

So, reasonably, the children ARE in your care, and there is no need for them to be removed, but if the situation changes...you have your arse covered and they are in the now, so can make an informed and non hasty decision.

Are the elder boys in contact with the Mother?

Can you speak to her?

[Aliantha]

I was wondering if I can make a call anonymously but wasn't certain whether they'd be able to trace the number. I actually have a friend who's a family law specialist, so I might have a chat to her. I imagine she'd have a fair idea where I would stand.

The mother seems to call about once a week to say she'll be back next week instead. I haven't tried speaking with her yet, but if she doesn't come home this weekend I'm going to ask the boys for her number and call her. I've told C to tell her she needs to come home because he can't cope, but I'm not sure that he will be as...what's the word...forceful? as he should be.

Quite frankly, from my perspective it's about the kids. I really don't give a rats if she gets the shits with me. If she really is any sort of parent she'll realize I'm doing and saying the things I am out of concern for her children. I'm just really amazed that any parent can do these sorts of things.

[DucksNuts]

Yeah, I wouldnt give a shit about her reaction.

If you dont want your call traced, make it from a public phone or something.

[Aliantha]

good idea. Why didn't I think of that?

Don't answer that last question. I don't need any more affirmations tonight. lol

[ZenGum]

Ali, you're a hero.
My angle would be to call the mother, ask for a return date, and if you get one that is reasonable, wait for that, but make sure she knows that if she delays again you'll have to call child protection.
(Seriously, a 5 year old has seen neither parent for a month?? and two high-school boys are left to care for three youngsters? Sheeeesh!!!)
I doubt that Child Protection would remove them, because they (CP) have very limited resources and these kids are doing "okay", in that they are not being beaten, molested or actually starved (I presume).
However, given the recent dreadful event in Sydney (2YO boy killed, apparently by his mother, body found in a suitcase in local pond, after relatives had repeatedly contacted child protection about him being in danger), child protection might be a bit jumpy and worried and remove them just to cover themselves. I doubt it.
Ideally they would arrange a social worker to visit daily or so to check things are okay and maybe help run the household, and thus take a bit of the burden off the older boys.
There might also be some charity services that would pitch in here, I'm thinking salvos or such like. Or some other extended family? I guess that there must be some kind of support available, but the lads are hesitant to ask, or don't know where.

[jester]

It's hard to believe that it's taking 4wks or longer to move. Unless, paperwork, buyers, etc. wasn't completed prior to the daughter going to help mom. Sounds like maybe Mom was needing a break from the "home life" and is taking a little longer than necessary. But, calling home occasionally to try and make-up for not being there. Personally, that's alot of responsibility to put on 16 & 17 yr old trying to finish up tests & what not. Are the younger ones in school? If so, does the school know what's going on? Sounds like you are doing a great job of helping out the boys - but I don't think I would wait until the weekend, to find out if she's coming home - I would call now and get confirmation and let her know your roll in the situation - about helping "her" boys out because of their own "load". Good Luck.

[smurfalicious]

Originally Posted by ZenGum

My angle would be to call the mother...
There might also be some charity services that would pitch in here... Or some other extended family... there must be some kind of support available...

I agree. The children are in no immediate danger. It's not an ideal situation by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't see the need to bring social services in to (ultimately) complicate matters. You don't know mom's deal and until you have an opportunity to speak with her, there's no telling what has been going on with her. I'm sure a single mother five children, who's ex is in jail or wherever and probably not providing any support if that's the case, and who is also taking care of her mother, must have quite enough on her plate.

[Clodfobble]

I agree with what others have said, the kids are probably far better off with you than with CPS. I don't think calling them would improve the situation at all. However, calling the mother and threatening to call CPS might be enough to scare her ass back home, and at the very least give her a chance to give you a reasonable explanation, whatever that could be. Keep in mind that she may not even know at this point that the older boys are overwhelmed and have involved you.

I would get her number from the oldest boy, wait until Saturday, and then have a frank chat with her, whether she comes to get them or you have to call her.

[Aliantha]

Thanks for all your thoughts ladies and gents.

I don't think I'm a hero. I think most people would try and help out if they felt it was required. It also makes a difference that my kids play with the kids across the road all the time as well as go to school together etc. Maybe I wouldn't be involved at all if there wasn't that connection there. I really can't say.

I think I will ask C to give me his mum's number so I can speak with her on Saturday if she's not home by then. It's Thursday here now, so there's a possiblity that she'll be home tomorrow.

I told my husband that I'm going to have something to say to her the next time I see her, and now he's worried about conflict with the neighbours. My response was fuck her. She's been irresponsible and we're picking up her slack. I have a right to remind her where her responsibilities lay so that this situation never happens again.

[bluecuracao]

That woman is very lucky to have you as a neighbor. But if I were in your shoes, I'd call her today, to see if she's even making real plans to return on Saturday.

Huh, I wonder if her mother has said anything to her about leaving her kids for so long...

[Aliantha]

I don't know if her mother knows. Surely she must.

The rest of the family live in either Sydney or NZ, so there's no close family up here in Brisbane where we are.

They are a family with pacific island roots, so often in these sorts of circumstances, other family members would take on the burden. Unfortunately that's not possible here so it's been left to the older boys. Apparently the aunties in sydney are very unhappy about the situation, but not unhappy enough to jump on a plane as yet.