Drama Drama Drama

Queen of the Ryche · 07-27-2005, 12:31 PM

So here it is. Long story that I really need to get off my chest. One of my so-called best friends comes to me a year ago and says this guy has been flirting with her, and it makes her feel really good, because she feels kinda taken for granted by her husband, who also happens to be one of my closest friends. A little time goes by, and she tells me don't tell anyone, but she's been fooling around with this guy. More time goes by, I don't hear any more, i kind of forget about it and assume it's over.
Flash forward to last week - the "friend's" sister in law comes to me and says she just found out that this "friend" has been cheating on her husband, everyone in the family knows, don't tell the husband, because she's confronting the "friend" and letting her know if she doesn't come clean with her husband, then she, the sis in law is going to tell him.
The "friend" tries to lie, says it was only flirting, nothing happened - eventually comes clean.

Now here's the good part; the hubby/my friend is pissed that we (the sis in law, me, etc) didn't tell him as soon as we found out. We tried to explain we wanted his own wife to tell him. It was her mess, she needed to clean it up. Also I come to find out that she told him that I knew all along, and I was okay with it, and now I'm a back stabber for not being okay with it now that everyone else knows.

How do I get over the fact that I didn't ask to be brought into this, and I don't want to the husband to think I kept it from him because I was okay with it, I was just trying to keep a promise to my so called "friend."

I'm sick to my stomach over this. I already lost one so-called friend, I don't want to lose the other.

lookout123 · 07-27-2005, 12:41 PM

i would say be honest no matter what, but approach the guy and tell him how it went down.

i was in this guy's shoes once. apparently many of our friends and my ex-wife's family knew she was cheating but thought it was none of their business. i decided that if they really had been my friends that someone would have said something. anything. whether pressing the issue with her or coming to me directly. as it stands, i haven't had contact with any of those people since the divorce. i don't hold a grudge, but i could never trust those people to be concerned about my well-being again. they chose their loyalties, not me.

Queen of the Ryche · 07-27-2005, 12:55 PM

Thanks Lookout. I think if I approach him in confidence, and explain what she put me through by having to swallow this crap without asking for it, he may understand.

lookout123 · 07-27-2005, 01:18 PM

he may. i might have if any of the people involved had come clean even after the fact. most of them just played dumb and chose not to address the issue - allowing me to find out through the grapevine that they all knew.

Clodfobble · 07-27-2005, 01:19 PM

It may be moot, either way. After such a course of events, are you really going to be able to stay close friends with the husband while the original "best friend" hates you?

It would be nice to have him understand your side of the story, but after that I personally would think that this couple is off-limits anyway, unless you get the best friend to forgive you--or they get divorced, and you're able to maintain a friendship with the husband without her around.

wolf · 07-27-2005, 01:28 PM

People who know me know that I don't hold with none of that and have some ideas about marriage that are considered quite old fashioned ... so my opinion on such a matter is never in question ... "You do what you feel you need or want to do, I don't control your behavior, but you know where I'm coming from."

It wasn't your job or responsibility to fink to the husband ... and, had you done so, "friend" would have considered you catty. You tell, you violate her trust ... you don't tell, and now she thinks you're a turncoat.

Anything to avoid taking responsibility for herself.

It might be worth re-checking the definition of the word "friend" vs. "people you know well."

Queen of the Ryche · 07-27-2005, 01:49 PM

Hence the word "friend" in quotation marks. I no longer consider her a friend. Her husband on the other hand is someone I call my brother. He called last night and asked if he could come over and dump to me and my husband. I'm guessing if he had issues with me he wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that. And he is the type that would have told me if he had a problem with me.
He will always be in my life; her, not so much. She married into the family/group - if they divorce he will still have all of us, she will not. It's their three kids I worry about now.
And I agree. I have very old-fashioned views on marriage. If you're not happy, leave. Don't try to drag everyone around down with you.
Thanks for your support Wolf. I'm going to go throw up now.

Trilby · 07-27-2005, 02:49 PM

Queenie, wolf is, as always, right--and do not let "friend" (female) to wiggle out of her responsibility in this. Ultimately, it's not that you didn't tell the hubby, it's that she cheated. The issue here is someone cheating on someone else. You didn't do that, so don't own it. Finger pointing now is a bit too little, too late. Good luck, and don't make this your problem (any more than it already is) *good vibes*

Queen of the Ryche · 07-27-2005, 03:03 PM

Thanks Bri. I know the cheating is not my fault, I just feel like a schmuck for knowing and not saying, and now being condemned by the one who asked me not to tell. Bitch. I'm gonna go kick her in the shins. And give her probably-soon-to-be-ex-hubby a big hug. And hug my hubby for being so wonderful. And then drink a bunch of beer.

plthijinx · 07-27-2005, 03:23 PM

i had to do a double take. ok, wait. crap. i lost my train of thought. just do what you feel is right. always. if someone were to drag me into it, then i'd give them a week. then when i saw the other significant other i'd ask them if so and so talked to them yet. kind of a devil's advocate approach but hey, don't drag me in the middle of something that 1.- i didn't ask for and 2. that could blow up in your face.

Griff · 07-27-2005, 04:07 PM

Wolf was spot on. She was an evil bitch for putting you in that situation. Be a good friend to him now.

07-27-2005, 04:10 PM

I don't hold with such carryings on at all, but the question of ratting someone out is a hard one. I've been in that spot and wondered if:

1) I'd be believed
2) If maybe the betrayed spouse already knew on some level and just wasn't ready to deal with it emotionally yet, and I'd be inflicting undue pain by forcing the issue.
3) If maybe the betrayed spouse already knew and was dealing with it and didn't want an outsider stirring things up.
4) If maybe the betrayer was just going thru a phase or something and they'd come to their senses and put things back together except that now I'd blown things sky high.

It truely sucks to be put in the middle that way. As others have said, just tell the REAL friend the truth. If he's REALLY a friend, he'll sort things out and not believe the one who has already betrayed him so badly over the one who did NOT.

Queen of the Ryche · 07-27-2005, 04:34 PM

I thought it was a breif fling, it's been going on for a year - she did finally tell him, but now is turning my loyalty to her into "look, she knew and was okay with it." BS. just because I knew and didn't tell him doesn't mean I condoned it. and he's thinking "why didn't you tell me in the beginning?"
I agree - this isn't about who told who what or when - the fact is SHE CHEATED ON HIM. And this is the second time. (first time was with this slimeball's brother.) long story. way too soap opera.
why did he take her back the first time? thinking it would change? I do not know.

wolf · 07-28-2005, 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Queen of the Ryche

And this is the second time. (first time was with this slimeball's brother.) long story. way too soap opera.

Does Slimeball's brother know that she's doin' Slimeball? Have they ever done a threesome??

1-800-96-JERRY

Queen of the Ryche · 07-28-2005, 09:05 AM

seriously. it is so ridiculous and out of the norm for my group of friends.
I feel much better after hearing all of your advice and getting it off my chest.
I am so glad my life is so normal.

07-27-2005, 12:31 PM	#1
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	Drama Drama Drama So here it is. Long story that I really need to get off my chest. One of my so-called best friends comes to me a year ago and says this guy has been flirting with her, and it makes her feel really good, because she feels kinda taken for granted by her husband, who also happens to be one of my closest friends. A little time goes by, and she tells me don't tell anyone, but she's been fooling around with this guy. More time goes by, I don't hear any more, i kind of forget about it and assume it's over. Flash forward to last week - the "friend's" sister in law comes to me and says she just found out that this "friend" has been cheating on her husband, everyone in the family knows, don't tell the husband, because she's confronting the "friend" and letting her know if she doesn't come clean with her husband, then she, the sis in law is going to tell him. The "friend" tries to lie, says it was only flirting, nothing happened - eventually comes clean. Now here's the good part; the hubby/my friend is pissed that we (the sis in law, me, etc) didn't tell him as soon as we found out. We tried to explain we wanted his own wife to tell him. It was her mess, she needed to clean it up. Also I come to find out that she told him that I knew all along, and I was okay with it, and now I'm a back stabber for not being okay with it now that everyone else knows. How do I get over the fact that I didn't ask to be brought into this, and I don't want to the husband to think I kept it from him because I was okay with it, I was just trying to keep a promise to my so called "friend." I'm sick to my stomach over this. I already lost one so-called friend, I don't want to lose the other. __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

07-27-2005, 12:41 PM	#2
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	i would say be honest no matter what, but approach the guy and tell him how it went down. i was in this guy's shoes once. apparently many of our friends and my ex-wife's family knew she was cheating but thought it was none of their business. i decided that if they really had been my friends that someone would have said something. anything. whether pressing the issue with her or coming to me directly. as it stands, i haven't had contact with any of those people since the divorce. i don't hold a grudge, but i could never trust those people to be concerned about my well-being again. they chose their loyalties, not me. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

07-27-2005, 12:55 PM	#3
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	Thanks Lookout. I think if I approach him in confidence, and explain what she put me through by having to swallow this crap without asking for it, he may understand. __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

07-27-2005, 01:18 PM	#4
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	he may. i might have if any of the people involved had come clean even after the fact. most of them just played dumb and chose not to address the issue - allowing me to find out through the grapevine that they all knew. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

07-27-2005, 01:28 PM	#6
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	People who know me know that I don't hold with none of that and have some ideas about marriage that are considered quite old fashioned ... so my opinion on such a matter is never in question ... "You do what you feel you need or want to do, I don't control your behavior, but you know where I'm coming from." It wasn't your job or responsibility to fink to the husband ... and, had you done so, "friend" would have considered you catty. You tell, you violate her trust ... you don't tell, and now she thinks you're a turncoat. Anything to avoid taking responsibility for herself. It might be worth re-checking the definition of the word "friend" vs. "people you know well." __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

07-27-2005, 01:19 PM	#5
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	It may be moot, either way. After such a course of events, are you really going to be able to stay close friends with the husband while the original "best friend" hates you? It would be nice to have him understand your side of the story, but after that I personally would think that this couple is off-limits anyway, unless you get the best friend to forgive you--or they get divorced, and you're able to maintain a friendship with the husband without her around.

07-27-2005, 01:49 PM	#7
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	Hence the word "friend" in quotation marks. I no longer consider her a friend. Her husband on the other hand is someone I call my brother. He called last night and asked if he could come over and dump to me and my husband. I'm guessing if he had issues with me he wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that. And he is the type that would have told me if he had a problem with me. He will always be in my life; her, not so much. She married into the family/group - if they divorce he will still have all of us, she will not. It's their three kids I worry about now. And I agree. I have very old-fashioned views on marriage. If you're not happy, leave. Don't try to drag everyone around down with you. Thanks for your support Wolf. I'm going to go throw up now. __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

07-27-2005, 02:49 PM	#8
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Queenie, wolf is, as always, right--and do not let "friend" (female) to wiggle out of her responsibility in this. Ultimately, it's not that you didn't tell the hubby, it's that she cheated. The issue here is someone cheating on someone else. You didn't do that, so don't own it. Finger pointing now is a bit too little, too late. Good luck, and don't make this your problem (any more than it already is) good vibes __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

07-27-2005, 03:03 PM	#9
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	Thanks Bri. I know the cheating is not my fault, I just feel like a schmuck for knowing and not saying, and now being condemned by the one who asked me not to tell. Bitch. I'm gonna go kick her in the shins. And give her probably-soon-to-be-ex-hubby a big hug. And hug my hubby for being so wonderful. And then drink a bunch of beer. __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

07-27-2005, 03:23 PM	#10
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	i had to do a double take. ok, wait. crap. i lost my train of thought. just do what you feel is right. always. if someone were to drag me into it, then i'd give them a week. then when i saw the other significant other i'd ask them if so and so talked to them yet. kind of a devil's advocate approach but hey, don't drag me in the middle of something that 1.- i didn't ask for and 2. that could blow up in your face. __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

07-27-2005, 04:07 PM	#11
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Wolf was spot on. She was an evil bitch for putting you in that situation. Be a good friend to him now. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

07-27-2005, 04:10 PM	#12
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	I don't hold with such carryings on at all, but the question of ratting someone out is a hard one. I've been in that spot and wondered if: 1) I'd be believed 2) If maybe the betrayed spouse already knew on some level and just wasn't ready to deal with it emotionally yet, and I'd be inflicting undue pain by forcing the issue. 3) If maybe the betrayed spouse already knew and was dealing with it and didn't want an outsider stirring things up. 4) If maybe the betrayer was just going thru a phase or something and they'd come to their senses and put things back together except that now I'd blown things sky high. It truely sucks to be put in the middle that way. As others have said, just tell the REAL friend the truth. If he's REALLY a friend, he'll sort things out and not believe the one who has already betrayed him so badly over the one who did NOT.

07-27-2005, 04:34 PM	#13
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	I thought it was a breif fling, it's been going on for a year - she did finally tell him, but now is turning my loyalty to her into "look, she knew and was okay with it." BS. just because I knew and didn't tell him doesn't mean I condoned it. and he's thinking "why didn't you tell me in the beginning?" I agree - this isn't about who told who what or when - the fact is SHE CHEATED ON HIM. And this is the second time. (first time was with this slimeball's brother.) long story. way too soap opera. why did he take her back the first time? thinking it would change? I do not know. __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

07-28-2005, 09:05 AM	#15
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	seriously. it is so ridiculous and out of the norm for my group of friends. I feel much better after hearing all of your advice and getting it off my chest. I am so glad my life is so normal. __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

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