Pointless

[orthodoc]

I'm so pissed at my ex, and so sad about my 'friend' who never was, and looking at a future of no career and no book (I was supposed to write a great book, haha, I wrote a book with my kids' encouragement and shopped it around and it went nowhere, no surprise) and no mark on the world, and I wonder why I'm even trying to get better.

There is no cure for breast cancer. There's no time at which risk drops to that of the general population. Women with carcinoma in situ, less than my stage, turn up with mets in two years. With my stage - let's just say that if I had the same chance of winning the lottery as of turning up with mets in five years, I'd drop every dollar I have into this week's MegaLotto. My family is ridiculously long-lived but I'll be the exception. I won't have accomplished anything I wanted to accomplish, I'll just die sooner than I expected and be a fool for giving up so much for other people for so long.

And yes, I'm drunk, and going to get drunker before the night (or morning's) out, and then go for chemo tomorrow. If I puke my guts out who cares? If my liver fails, who cares, it's just disaster a little sooner than would happen anyway. I have a billion academic things to get turned in and I won't get it all done, and I'm alone for chemo tomorrow thank god, I don't have to put on a brave face for anyone, and I wish I'd just die tonight.

I will get through this just to find I can't get health insurance, and I'll know I made the definitive errors and bad decisions years ago and I'll never make my mark as an academic or researcher, never be a writer. Never be anything ... just need another drink and some lorazepam. Maybe the decadron will keep me up all night regardless.

I really invested in that 'friend', stupid as it sounds. He woke me up, made me think, made me realize I was still desirable, made me feel valued and unique. And it was all lies, just his player's game. He confided personal things and hurts that I wouldn't expect a man to confide unless he had some investment, he shared things I didn't think a player would, but in the end that's all it was. Just a well-rehearsed line, doled out bit by bit. And here I sit, so stupid and naive and worthless, and honestly I know I won't ever be able to sort through another man's bullshit and figure out if anyone's being honest. It's not that I can't be alone; but I hate having been lied to, having believed it.

So here's to living alone, as long as it lasts.
__________________

[BigV]

Don't fucking die tonight.

I'll continue reading the rest of your post now.

[BigV]

ortho...

I'm a guy. Your post touches my heart. And it also mashes the hell out of my "I-can-fix-it-button". Like I said, a guy. But I can't fix this for you. I've read in books that listening without fixing is helpful all by itself. I take this on faith. If you are helped by my non-fixing, wonderful. I sure wish I could put a wrench on something though.

And I won't contradict you, oh you're wrong about this and wrong about that... that is kind of insulting, as I don't know your life very well. But I know some stuff and ... shit. now I'm arguing. Sorry.

can't fix.
can't argue.
I'm listening, but that feels passive, ineffectual.

Why don't you just keep talking, and I'll keep listening, hm?

[orthodoc]

I'm sorry. I've never been a drama queen. Not going to deliberately off myself tonight, just don't care anymore.

I know there's no fix for this. I just find that, when I'm really down, I write. Sort of inflicted this on you and whoever else takes a peek, sorry.

I started out very black and white, very intense, like pretty much everybody does as a young adult. I was sure of what I wanted, got my heart broken at 18, got date-raped at 18 1/2, moved away (it's a good thing) and went on to come first in both the chemistry and biochemistry classes of my university with my undergraduate degree. Went on to medical school, actually got a better school to take me after I'd turned them down. Why? Because my ex got accepted there and not at the place I originally sent my acceptance to. First big mistake.

Didn't cover myself with glory at med school but did well. It wasn't my best fit. I would've done better as an academic. Could've chosen an academic type of specialty, but by then I was bound up with my ex and doing something different, that would mean a split, didn't seem rational. Young love and all that. I will say, he was extremely personable, extroverted, cheerful, spontaneous, and pursued me with determination. No sign of typical abuser stuff. I was a bit lazy, having had my heart broken, and just let him pursue without much encouragement on my part. I gather that's the best thing for conniving women to do, but honest, I wasn't doing that. Just lazy where I should have been alert, for his sake as well as mine.

We spent tons of time together by default, being the only two in an insanely demanding undergrad program at the same university and then in the same med school. We married after third year med, for practical reasons.

We had children sooner than expected; I got pregnant right at the start of my internship. Let me tell you, I don't recommend it. Spent months seeing patients in ER and excusing myself to run off and throw up. There is no pity among residents; they're all so stressed out that the prospect of someone not pulling her weight brings out animosity, not compassion. My first child needed the NICU and teetered on needing an exchange transfusion for days (in 1986, when the blood supplies were unsafe - he would've very likely gotten HIV). I went back to work full of anxiety and then we went north as soon as we could, because after all I could write my Board exams anytime and there was no point delaying my ex for 6 months. I'd gotten sick after delivery and spent time in hospital, needed to make up time to finish my internship.

My beautiful first-born was followed by my second son, who shouldn't have been born, according to the docs. I was supposed to be too full of scars. My second son was so big and beautiful, but very soon it became clear there were problems. He was diagnosed autistic, then Asperger's, then early onset bipolar, and many other things. He was very violent from about 7 years old. I home-schooled my kids until my oldest was in sixth grade. In third grade he read at college level. In seventh grade, at age 12, he was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

My third son came along two years after his older brother, and my daughter two years later again. By then our household was in chaos. My ex had long previously chosen to live as a bachelor in terms of his work and athletics (he was very athletic) and amusements. He wasn't unfaithful as far as I know. He was much more committed to living for himself, not that interested in looking elsewhere. To this day I think he probably never strayed.

I was very lonely from the time I stayed home with the kids, from the birth of my second son. I did some locums but had no reliable babysitting; was accepted for a Master's at a prestigious university but my ex wouldn't share child care. I got to the final round of interviews for a very good job with the Canadian federal government in the Health Protection Branch but my ex then announced he wouldn't move to Ottawa. I tried to get into programs in Public Health so I could be a Medical Officer of Health but ex wouldn't move to cities where I could enroll in the program.

And so on. I ended up caring for my kids full-time because my ex was absent and they needed a lot of care. We moved to the US and I needed to advocate even more. I think the day I was told my oldest son had schizophrenia at 12 years old may have been the worst, the hardest, of my life.

Enough already ... crap. Who wants to know all this? Sorry.

[BigV]

Ah.

There you are.

[BigV]

wow... wow.

that's one rich life story so far. and of course, you're still writing chapters.

I wish you didn't feel so bad orthodoc. Sorry.

It is a great story, and I thank you for sharing it with us. I'm glad to hear you're not going to off yourself, really, thanks a million for that. 'preciate that. this sounds pollyanna, but it's not. you ahve a lot going for you, and a helluva a lot to look forward to, especially being part of ridiculously long lived people. That's a good thing. I'm no doctor, I'm just a friend. You **are** hanging in there, and I'm glad about that, thanks for that.

Hang in there a little bit more, ok? One day, one night, one treatment, one ordeal at a time. Reading your story--whoa, that is a hell of a lot of everything. but you weren't overwhelmed by it, you just lived it one day at a time. Tonight's no different. You have a big crappy day ahead. Drink up. Or sleep. It's gonna be ok this time tomorrow.

You'll see.

[SamIam]

Yeah, V's right. No big need to rush the dying thing. Stick around. Things always change. Even if they don't get better, they always get different which means you still have any number of possibilities that may be out there for you. And things might even get better. It can happen, you know. Might as well stick around to find out.

Also, keep in mind that while your so-called friend was actually a dirty double dealing rat, he does not have the ability to steal from you your own special self. It may feel like he's done that, but he hasn't. You are still a talented, special, the only one of your kind, incredible human being. Minus one rat. And minus a minus is a plus. Good thing you're rid of him now rather than later. You can now get on with your life. What a relief!

Chances are that given some time, you'll find someone far more worthy than your ex friend could ever even dream of being. It sounds like he might have been the evil twin of the last man I was in a relationship with. Except that after 6 years I found out that we'd actually never had a relationship at all. I felt pretty stupid and terribly used and very lost and very angry. Those feelings DO go away. But you know that already.

A Buddhist mantra just for you. Repeat after me:

May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy

Breathe. Repeat as often as needed. And post again tomorrow to let us know you're Ok. OK?

[BigV]

well put, Sam.

[orthodoc]

I just lost my second post. I can probably shorten it. We moved to the US in 1992, there were no career opportunities for me and the kids were extremely needy, and the abuse worsened through the '90s until I tried to leave in 1998 and 1999. Didn't succeed. We went back to Ontario in 2003- 2005 and I cared for my mother-in-law (who hated me because I wasn't Ukrainian). Tried to help my kids in the Ontario school system. My second son became an addict. Ontario has no drug laws, in practice. Dealers hung out in the front hall of the high schools with their pit bulls. My son lost his meds weight and became very athletic when we arrived back in PA, but in college he succumbed to the drugs.

The summer after his first year was very scary. He went through rehab, took up with a woman who had an addict mother, moved in with them, and was lost. He now has terrible health problems - pulmonary emboli that have killed half his lung capacity - and gained 200 lb, and is depressed and addicted to narcotics.

My oldest son struggled through university and graduated with Honors in Bioengineering, went to law school, just graduated. He still struggles. My third son is an academic star. He came out to me, privately, after sophomore year. He is very verbal and can, has, cut my heart out as with a knife. He considers that he was never really loved. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD in school, had problems due to the chaos of her violent older brother and all the other problems, but is a sweetheart and the sunshine of my life. However, she is vulnerable to abusive men.

So at the end of all this, I determined that I had to leave and find my own way, and now this.

[orthodoc]

I will say, my long-lived folks are a source of inspiration. My father has out-lived his father and brother (it's the women who live into their late '90s) and this summer had surgery on both his cervical and lumbar spine for stenosis; he left a miserable marriage in his early 50's, married a woman he loved (but who was an absolute BITCH to the nth degree to us), cared for her through her illness and death from lung cancer, and lives alone now 11 hours' drive from where I live. I was with him for his surgery this summer. He now keeps on keeping on, determined to walk without a walker or cane, living alone. He doesn't regret his divorce, although he made mistakes at the time ... but now I'm older, I don't judge. I don't judge anyone.

Our family motto (British/Scottish) is: Freedom through adversity.
Maybe I need to take another trip back to Katrine and rumble around Scotland and feel my ancestors again.

[orthodoc]

Thanks, Sam and V. I'm sorry. Although I'm all too familiar with things getting different, but not necessarily better, I acknowledge the possibility that they may get better. I've been trying to live in the present for awhile now. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I will say, I have no fear of physical abuse anymore. It's the easiest, simplest sort. After going nose to nose with my second son after months of him punching through walls, slashing art, leaving weird and very disturbing things for me to find, and attacking my third son, and finally going nose to nose and just telling him to deck me and get it over with - fully intending to take the shot and call the police - and seeing him back down, I don't really care anymore about physical stuff. Emotional stuff is much harder to deal with.

But for all I'd gone through and learned, I was so naive when I encountered this 'friend' that I just became an idiot. I was lonely, very lonely. I didn't expect it. I was -honestly, you will laugh, but honestly - looking for a friend, someone who had been hurt and might understand where I was coming from. NOT looking for anything else. Just so naive.

I hadn't had any friends locally for years, with the kids and the abuse - isolation is par for the course. I went looking for a friend without any sort of sophistication. I wasn't working then. And women have never been very warm toward me - I did make female friends once I got working in the last six months before I moved, but until then I had none. I've always gotten on better with men, for whatever reason. Although I do have some female friends now. Making friends in the last six months before I moved was such a revelation! I hadn't had any for so long.

Anyway - I reached out to a male because I'd always gotten along best with men. Logical, scientific, med school, internship, whatever. I found the men were more kind than the women in my professional/academic experience. But in this case it was such a mistake. Whatever his hurts and problems, it doesn't justify what he did. Men should know that women always invest, always engage. If they don't want that, they should stay home, so to speak.

[SamIam]

Wow, Orthodoc! I had only read your first post when I made my first reply to you. Now I have read your other posts. What you have managed to endure is simply amazing. I am so sorry that your life has been filled with so much difficulty. I don't have any answers either. I try all the time to understand why things happen the way they do. I want for it all somehow to mean something, but mostly I am just at a loss - both when contemplating my own experiences and then when thinking of the lives of others.

Frankly, I have been feeling very sorry for myself lately, but when I read your posts tonight, I realized yet one more time that all of us have to endure sorrow - some more than others and who knows why. My heart goes out to you. If it helps to post about what has happened to you and what is happening now, post away. The one sure conclusion I have come to is that we all are in this thing together and none of us gets out alive. While we here, we are here to offer one another compassion. And I offer you mine.

[orthodoc]

Thanks Sam. I just lost another post, my internet connection is totally worthless at $154 per month, I can't even post here. None of us gets out alive. That's about all I've gathered from what my life has added up to. Thank you for your compassion, it's probably the one honest virtue. I give up on this internet connection, I've written so much tonight and it's all gone into the ether. but thank you.

[BigV]

checking in. more later. hang tough.

[Trilby]

Ortho-see my PM's to you.


You wouldn't treat a friend (or even an enemy) the way you are hammering on yourself.

Life is a series of making mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be nice to yourself. If beating yourself up over things worked, I'd be fixed by now