Would you...?

06-03-2006, 05:08 PM

Embarque upon a sexual relationship with somebody you're not in love with?

In the past, I would have always answered "no," but my romances based on "love at first sight" have all been devastating ones. I have had two romances based on NOT love at first sight and one turned into a 20 year marriage with fond memories of my ex to this very day,and one turned into a short lived affair that I wished I'd never gotten into.

I've met a man in my new town who seems very interested in me, has bought expensive presents for me, drops by just to talk to me, etc. I find him attractive physically but honestly doubt the long term potential of the thing.

Still, I've been celibate for a year after the horrible ending with the ax murderer and I like sex as much as any other woman, and it would be nice not to sleep alone every night.

I guess I'm asking if it would be wrong to "Use" this man as a sexual partner? Guys, has a woman ever made you feel "used" that way? Would I be doing something hurtful just to go ahead and have an affair with this man? I worry more about breaking his heart than him breaking mine.

Advise?

limey · 06-03-2006, 05:39 PM

Hell, yeah!
"Using people", IMHO, refers to lying to people to get your own ends (or end away!(that may be a British phrase?)). Just be honest about what you want. I hope he is the same.
So long as you're honest with the guy. "I fancy you", "You're sexy", "You turn me on" are all OK things to say, but "I love you" (if you don't), "I'll be yours forever" etc are not. What's the problem?

Kagen4o4 · 06-03-2006, 09:27 PM

**looks around for Brianna** i thought she could sniff out these threads

Ibby · 06-03-2006, 09:35 PM

If he wants it and you want it... what's the problem?

zippyt · 06-03-2006, 11:18 PM

My wife and I started out as Fuck buddys , no commitment , neather of us wanted that , well long story short , that was 17+ years ago .

He wants to play , you want to play , so play , but have a conversation wiht him about the commitment level of things .

06-03-2006, 11:30 PM

Absolutely... the best way IMO. Solves a lot of possible wasted effort.

06-04-2006, 01:28 AM

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I guess if I let him know that all I want right now is FWB, and he wants something deeper than that which doesn't happen, at least I will have warned him and been honest. Right now, I see him as 6 months worth of casual fun, but who knows? The advise about letting him know where I'm at right now is great. Thanks!

Trilby · 06-04-2006, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kagen4o4

**looks around for Brianna** i thought she could sniff out these threads

I am beginning to think I have an unsavory reputation somehow...

Of course go for it, ya ninny! You'll be his Dream Girl! Look, buster, I'd love to get you in the sack and do all sorts of unholy things to your body, but look, come dawn, you best be on your way. And remember to close the door when ya leave=Music to his ears.

xoxoxoBruce · 06-04-2006, 05:32 PM

Yes, providing you make it clear you feel he's not Mr Right, just Mr Rightnow.

If somewhere along the way your feelings change, you should tell him so.

yesman065 · 06-05-2006, 07:54 AM

You hit the nail on the head Brianna - now hopefully Mar can do the same and share some "love" with this guy. A casual relationship is fine as long as both partners go into it with the facts ans no one is mislead.

"A picture is worth a thousand words."

BigV · 06-05-2006, 10:36 AM

No.

None of the efforts in that direction were worthwhile. I knew what I was looking for, and that wasn't it. You may be looking for something else, and your mileage will certainly vary. In fact, I think that's exactly the core of the question and the best answer. If you're both looking for the same thing, regardless of whether it is love or sex, the prognosis is good. But you're not looking for the same thing, it can only end badly.

Knowing what one is looking for is no trivial matter. Especially when there are mixed motivations. Self knowledge inexpressably valuable.

06-05-2006, 06:44 PM

Well, yeah, Big V., and as I noted already, in the past I would have been much less interested in a FWB relationship. But I'm in a new town where I don't know hardly anyone, the last year alone has been OK, but it gets old after a while. Plus, I'm 54 and he's 46 - a boy toy! LOL! Seriously, its not that easy for a woman in her 50's to find a guy. Guys always tend to want younger women which at this point leaves me with the 65 plus crowd. My friend is more or less in the same place as me - he got out of a very bad relationship 10 months ago - prior to that he was married for 21 years. We're both battle scarred veterans who want a little casual companionship with a member of the opposite sex. Might as well give it a shot.

xoxoxoBruce · 06-05-2006, 09:58 PM

Yeah, never mind the Boy Scout, he's too serious.:p

BigV · 06-06-2006, 10:15 AM

xoB is wise.

Please don't misconstrue my post--your initial question was "Would you?" which I took to mean "would I?", and answered accordingly. There is no reason in the world to justify your actions in this case to me. I am not a Republican.

xoxoxoBruce · 06-06-2006, 10:30 AM

06-03-2006, 05:08 PM	#1
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Would you...? Embarque upon a sexual relationship with somebody you're not in love with? In the past, I would have always answered "no," but my romances based on "love at first sight" have all been devastating ones. I have had two romances based on NOT love at first sight and one turned into a 20 year marriage with fond memories of my ex to this very day,and one turned into a short lived affair that I wished I'd never gotten into. I've met a man in my new town who seems very interested in me, has bought expensive presents for me, drops by just to talk to me, etc. I find him attractive physically but honestly doubt the long term potential of the thing. Still, I've been celibate for a year after the horrible ending with the ax murderer and I like sex as much as any other woman, and it would be nice not to sleep alone every night. I guess I'm asking if it would be wrong to "Use" this man as a sexual partner? Guys, has a woman ever made you feel "used" that way? Would I be doing something hurtful just to go ahead and have an affair with this man? I worry more about breaking his heart than him breaking mine. Advise? Last edited by marichiko; 06-03-2006 at 05:12 PM.

06-03-2006, 05:39 PM	#2
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Hell, yeah! "Using people", IMHO, refers to lying to people to get your own ends (or end away!(that may be a British phrase?)). Just be honest about what you want. I hope he is the same. So long as you're honest with the guy. "I fancy you", "You're sexy", "You turn me on" are all OK things to say, but "I love you" (if you don't), "I'll be yours forever" etc are not. What's the problem? __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

06-03-2006, 09:27 PM	#3
Kagen4o4 The Sheriff of Nothingland Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Melbourne, Aus Posts: 1,794	looks around for Brianna i thought she could sniff out these threads __________________ something we both can enjoy??

06-03-2006, 09:35 PM	#4
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	If he wants it and you want it... what's the problem? __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

06-03-2006, 11:18 PM	#5
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	My wife and I started out as Fuck buddys , no commitment , neather of us wanted that , well long story short , that was 17+ years ago . He wants to play , you want to play , so play , but have a conversation wiht him about the commitment level of things . __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

06-03-2006, 11:30 PM	#6
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Absolutely... the best way IMO. Solves a lot of possible wasted effort.

06-04-2006, 01:28 AM	#7
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I guess if I let him know that all I want right now is FWB, and he wants something deeper than that which doesn't happen, at least I will have warned him and been honest. Right now, I see him as 6 months worth of casual fun, but who knows? The advise about letting him know where I'm at right now is great. Thanks!

06-04-2006, 05:32 PM	#9
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Yes, providing you make it clear you feel he's not Mr Right, just Mr Rightnow. If somewhere along the way your feelings change, you should tell him so. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-05-2006, 07:54 AM	#10
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	You hit the nail on the head Brianna - now hopefully Mar can do the same and share some "love" with this guy. A casual relationship is fine as long as both partners go into it with the facts ans no one is mislead. "A picture is worth a thousand words."

06-05-2006, 10:36 AM	#11
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	No. None of the efforts in that direction were worthwhile. I knew what I was looking for, and that wasn't it. You may be looking for something else, and your mileage will certainly vary. In fact, I think that's exactly the core of the question and the best answer. If you're both looking for the same thing, regardless of whether it is love or sex, the prognosis is good. But you're not looking for the same thing, it can only end badly. Knowing what one is looking for is no trivial matter. Especially when there are mixed motivations. Self knowledge inexpressably valuable. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

06-05-2006, 06:44 PM	#12
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Well, yeah, Big V., and as I noted already, in the past I would have been much less interested in a FWB relationship. But I'm in a new town where I don't know hardly anyone, the last year alone has been OK, but it gets old after a while. Plus, I'm 54 and he's 46 - a boy toy! LOL! Seriously, its not that easy for a woman in her 50's to find a guy. Guys always tend to want younger women which at this point leaves me with the 65 plus crowd. My friend is more or less in the same place as me - he got out of a very bad relationship 10 months ago - prior to that he was married for 21 years. We're both battle scarred veterans who want a little casual companionship with a member of the opposite sex. Might as well give it a shot.

06-05-2006, 09:58 PM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Yeah, never mind the Boy Scout, he's too serious.:p __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-06-2006, 10:15 AM	#14
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	xoB is wise. Please don't misconstrue my post--your initial question was "Would you?" which I took to mean "would I?", and answered accordingly. There is no reason in the world to justify your actions in this case to me. I am not a Republican. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

06-06-2006, 10:30 AM	#15
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	__________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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