Relationship dependency

[Riddil]

Ok, well everyone knows there are varying degrees of being a dependent/independent person when it comes to relationships. I've had friends that run from one relationship to the next as fast as possible b/c they can't stand being single for even a week. And then you have people like myself, where if you wind up being unattached for 6 months (or more) it doesn't bother you in the slightest.

Welp, I've been in my current relationship for just over 3 months. So pretty much right on schedule the "honeymoon" has worn off, and we're at that stage where those little things that never used to bother us suddenly seem like the most important thing in the world.

I, of course, enjoy complaining about all of these things to my friends. (I thrive on melodrama, and besides it sounds silly to complain to your GF, "Do I have to sit and talk to your parents for a whole hour this afternoon? Football is on.")

Anyhow, what I find amusing in the responses I've gotten back is that I've heard the same intended sentiment expressed in totally different ways...

My older friends (50+) always say it this way...
"Well, just measure the relationship, are you happier with her, or would you be happier alone? If you you're happier with her, then stay."

But all of my younger friends (25-35) all say...
"If you think that you could be happier with someone else and she's not at the level you're looking for, then you should leave her so that you will have the opportunity to be with that better person, and won't miss the window b/c you're stuck in a mediocre relationship."

(There is no one theme with the middle-aged friend's responses)

Anyhow... I find it amusing in that they are very different themes behind the two stances. I'm not sure how to judge the motivation behind them...

1) Is it a contrast between a dependent personality trait vs. an independent trait?

or

2) Is it a contrast between traditional relationship value (ie, work it out) vs. contemporary relationship values (ie, trade off your current fling when they begin to bore you)

I just really find it amusing that there is such a strong division between generations in how they approach relationships.

Thoughts?

[Sperlock]

I find it a little hard to believe that everything is so black and white on an older generation thinking one way and a younger generation thinking another way. What would've been more interesting to ask is what they would've said a year ago, 5 years ago, and 20 years ago (obviously this one is for the middle aged and older generations). This would help see if they have held the same values, if they have changed, if they have become more dependent/independent, stayed the same, or a combination of these.

If you had asked me 5 years ago, I would've been of the view of work it out until you just can't take the relationship anymore. Now I am more likely to say, talk it over with your partner, and if doesn't get resolved, ask yourself if you are staying in the relationship for the sake of a relationship? Does your heart yearn for something else but you hold back because of the relationship? It's likely to turn into resentment and a worse relationship later on. This isn't necessarily a happier with her or happier alone question, but more of a what do you want out of life question. The answer could lead to staying with her, being with someone else, being alone, or something else entirely.

And in case there is any curiousity, I'm 29, single, and looking for a relationship (and not having any luck which is both aggravating yet at the same time yeah, whatever, their loss, I'm doing fine on my own).

[OnyxCougar]

I am the kind of person that is *miserable* alone. For most of my adult life, I have been with a partner, my sister, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, fiance, husband, or roommate.

The brief times I was alone, I was looking to get into a relationship ASAP. And that drive got me into much worse situations than being by myself ever would have. My mother kept telling me to live alone, and I understood the words she was saying, but I just couldn't stand it. I'm one of those kinds of people that has lots of acquaintences, but few friends. My friends I'd do anything for.

As far as relationships, I'm rather dual minded. I think if you've put yourself into a committed relationship, and you aren't happy, you need to examine those reasons. If you then choose to stay, I think you should put 150% into it, do anything and everything it takes to make it work, and only give up when you know in your heart you have literally done everything possible to resolve the situation. After that, there is no option but to leave.

Or shoot em and hide the body in a mineshaft about 50 miles SE of town. But you didn't hear that from me.

[lumberjim]

I think you must first have a good relationship with yourself in order to have a good relationship with someone else. If you HAVE to be with someone, you probably shouldn't be. Unless you find your soulmate, then all bets are off.

[ladysycamore]

Originally posted by lumberjim
I think you must first have a good relationship with yourself in order to have a good relationship with someone else. If you HAVE to be with someone, you probably shouldn't be. Unless you find your soulmate, then all bets are off.

*sings AAAAMEN!*

I know that all too well. For years, I did not have a "good" relationship with self. Once I started turning things around, other things practically fell into place (including meeting Sycamore).