this is harder than I thought

blue · 07-31-2010, 05:53 PM

ok, here's my deal. Wife and I have never been able to have kids, that sucks large, but at a point in my life (maybe 10 years ago?) I quit wishing for it, just too painful.

We became foster parents 3 months ago, and hope to adopt by January of next year. Could happen sooner, he also could be taken away from us, it's a hard fucken deal right now.

I will post pics & an update if/when he becomes a Stevens, I am dying to show him off. He's a very naughty but very awesome little boy. It's weird that I am loving this, but also more stressed than at any point in my life, I see the same thing happening with my wife.

anyway, my point, I have one. This shiat is hard! I think we are very good parents so far, but he needs CONSTANT attention....I am still adjusting to that. We do not just stick him in a playpen and go about our business, we don't even own one actually. We are giving everything we have to give him a happy and wonderful life.

I'll emphasize the following... I AM 43 FUCKING YEARS OLD AND I HAVE A ONE YEAR OLD. Also no prior experience.

I'm not biatching, it's wonderful, we are all still learning

Aliantha · 07-31-2010, 06:00 PM

I'm 38 and have a just over one year old. It is hard, and I'll tell you also that I have two teenage sons, and it's much harder now than it was when I was still young. You just plow through and try and enjoy the ride, keeping in mind that they're only little for such a short time. I've had to stop myself from wishing away our baby's infancy for my own selfish needs, and for the most part I've succeeded, but you're right. It is hard being a new parent when you're older.

monster · 07-31-2010, 06:13 PM

If he's one year old, it's a little soon to call him naughty. hang in there. It doesn't necessarily get easier, but it gets "more natural".

Also, a playpen is not necessarily a bad thing. We didn't use one, but it's good to have an area where he can be safely and happily confined and not do himself or anything around him any damage, so you get to take a time out. Peeing without an audience becomes a luxury you never imagined.

Congratulations on your fostering.

blue · 07-31-2010, 06:16 PM

I agree with that, when it's getting rough I remind myself that he's not going to be little for very long. I don't think it's necessarily harder being older, we are after all much wiser & patient, it was just such a complete lifestyle change overnight.... we won a court battle and became parents 2 days later.

It's gonna suck a little when we are in our 60's when he graduates from high school, but he was a very neglected baby with a dim future....so, that's life. I love him, we're gonna learn a ton of shit together.

Lamplighter · 07-31-2010, 06:17 PM

I've heard it said that the 9 months of pregnancy is to get you used to the idea of being a parent,
and for the first year the kid sleeps a lot so it is not so challenging as starting straight away with a 1-yr old.

Just hang in there, and maybe watch your language !
They do pick up a lot of what they hear.

blue · 07-31-2010, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

If he's one year old, it's a little soon to call him naughty. hang in there. It doesn't necessarily get easier, but it gets "more natural".

Also, a playpen is not necessarily a bad thing. We didn't use one, but it's good to have an area where he can be safely and happily confined and not do himself or anything around him any damage, so you get to take a time out. Peeing without an audience becomes a luxury you never imagined.

Congratulations on your fostering.

oh we got fences & gates & safety stuff up the ass, he finds trouble tho...it's almost like he IS my flesh & blood

it's the timeouts that I no longer get that is the hardest, I'm adjusting tho.... it's amazing what a person can do when it's something worth doing.

monster · 07-31-2010, 06:23 PM

I don't watch my language. That's so far down on my scale of good parenting it's untrue. He's one. Don't punish, show the right way; Don't get mad, put him in a safe place and walk away until you're calmer. Sing him songs, read him stories and show him how to love and you're good. Talk to him like he's a friend, explain everything to him and blow raspberries on his belly when he's being sullen.

Undertoad · 07-31-2010, 06:24 PM

The two year old that I spend part-time with is getting more and more interesting and she figures more stuff out. I regret not having kids now, although my ex would have been a terrible mom.

Clodfobble · 07-31-2010, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blue

it was just such a complete lifestyle change overnight.... we won a court battle and became parents 2 days later.

Wow, that's amazing. The court system moves sooo incredibly slowly, and then one day a decision is made and BAM! it's done. Congratulations on your foster son, and like monster said, don't feel like you have to do everything perfectly just because of the circumstances. You are parents and humans just like anyone else, and you'll need a break sometimes.

blue · 07-31-2010, 06:54 PM

thanks everyone, man this is cool I just realized how much I missed this place. And Monster...tits on, that's tits on... that's what I'm doing, you just put it into words so well.

Juniper · 07-31-2010, 11:19 PM

A couple at our church adopted a two-year-old from Russia a few years ago. I remember seeing them right after - they had other kids but much older and seemed to be having a hard time managing him, figuring him out; just seemed awkward. They looked really stressed! Though I only saw them on Sundays, I noticed that over the course of a year they all became more relaxed and bonded with the little boy, and he was much happier.

Normal of course - but meant as encouragement.

Congratulations!

Griff · 08-01-2010, 08:15 AM

Congrats Blue! I'd say Juni is right, comfort will come with time and patience.

casimendocina · 08-04-2010, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

Don't punish, show the right way; Don't get mad, put him in a safe place and walk away until you're calmer. Sing him songs, read him stories and show him how to love and you're good. Talk to him like he's a friend, explain everything to him and blow raspberries on his belly when he's being sullen.

Inspiring stuff!

Congrats to the new parents.

Sundae · 08-04-2010, 06:47 AM

Blue, you're a wonder. That boy has lucked out in so many ways.
Like Mons said, love love, love.
Discipline will come out of love.
Boundaries come out of love.
Respect comes out of love.

I really admire what you are doing.
And you're never too old.
(well, I am, but only in the sense of life-situation vs fertility)
Twenty-something parents still feel overwhelmed, so forget youthful energy!
They don't have the benefits of life experience that you do (and are more likely - statistically - to divorce)
Not knocking young parents. Just pointing out it's hard at any age.

Older parents (ie older than Mum who gave birth to me at 28) are far more common now. And my Dad is still active at 70. Like you say, the boy had a grim future ahead of him, if you get to adopt then he so doesn't have that now.
Celebs father babies into their senile years!
You are not disadvantaging him, and love has no age limit.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-04-2010, 08:21 AM

If all else fails, ya can boil 'em.

07-31-2010, 05:53 PM	#1
blue Operations Operative Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Northern WI Posts: 739	this is harder than I thought ok, here's my deal. Wife and I have never been able to have kids, that sucks large, but at a point in my life (maybe 10 years ago?) I quit wishing for it, just too painful. We became foster parents 3 months ago, and hope to adopt by January of next year. Could happen sooner, he also could be taken away from us, it's a hard fucken deal right now. I will post pics & an update if/when he becomes a Stevens, I am dying to show him off. He's a very naughty but very awesome little boy. It's weird that I am loving this, but also more stressed than at any point in my life, I see the same thing happening with my wife. anyway, my point, I have one. This shiat is hard! I think we are very good parents so far, but he needs CONSTANT attention....I am still adjusting to that. We do not just stick him in a playpen and go about our business, we don't even own one actually. We are giving everything we have to give him a happy and wonderful life. I'll emphasize the following... I AM 43 FUCKING YEARS OLD AND I HAVE A ONE YEAR OLD. Also no prior experience. I'm not biatching, it's wonderful, we are all still learning __________________ If you spot a tornado, always remember to point at it, yell "tornado!", and run like hell.

07-31-2010, 06:00 PM	#2
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I'm 38 and have a just over one year old. It is hard, and I'll tell you also that I have two teenage sons, and it's much harder now than it was when I was still young. You just plow through and try and enjoy the ride, keeping in mind that they're only little for such a short time. I've had to stop myself from wishing away our baby's infancy for my own selfish needs, and for the most part I've succeeded, but you're right. It is hard being a new parent when you're older. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

07-31-2010, 06:13 PM	#3
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	If he's one year old, it's a little soon to call him naughty. hang in there. It doesn't necessarily get easier, but it gets "more natural". Also, a playpen is not necessarily a bad thing. We didn't use one, but it's good to have an area where he can be safely and happily confined and not do himself or anything around him any damage, so you get to take a time out. Peeing without an audience becomes a luxury you never imagined. Congratulations on your fostering. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

07-31-2010, 06:16 PM	#4
blue Operations Operative Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Northern WI Posts: 739	I agree with that, when it's getting rough I remind myself that he's not going to be little for very long. I don't think it's necessarily harder being older, we are after all much wiser & patient, it was just such a complete lifestyle change overnight.... we won a court battle and became parents 2 days later. It's gonna suck a little when we are in our 60's when he graduates from high school, but he was a very neglected baby with a dim future....so, that's life. I love him, we're gonna learn a ton of shit together. __________________ If you spot a tornado, always remember to point at it, yell "tornado!", and run like hell.

07-31-2010, 06:23 PM	#7
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I don't watch my language. That's so far down on my scale of good parenting it's untrue. He's one. Don't punish, show the right way; Don't get mad, put him in a safe place and walk away until you're calmer. Sing him songs, read him stories and show him how to love and you're good. Talk to him like he's a friend, explain everything to him and blow raspberries on his belly when he's being sullen. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

07-31-2010, 06:17 PM	#5
Lamplighter Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods Posts: 6,402	I've heard it said that the 9 months of pregnancy is to get you used to the idea of being a parent, and for the first year the kid sleeps a lot so it is not so challenging as starting straight away with a 1-yr old. Just hang in there, and maybe watch your language ! They do pick up a lot of what they hear.

07-31-2010, 06:24 PM	#8
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	The two year old that I spend part-time with is getting more and more interesting and she figures more stuff out. I regret not having kids now, although my ex would have been a terrible mom.

07-31-2010, 06:54 PM	#10
blue Operations Operative Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Northern WI Posts: 739	thanks everyone, man this is cool I just realized how much I missed this place. And Monster...tits on, that's tits on... that's what I'm doing, you just put it into words so well. __________________ If you spot a tornado, always remember to point at it, yell "tornado!", and run like hell.

07-31-2010, 11:19 PM	#11
Juniper I know, right? Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,539	A couple at our church adopted a two-year-old from Russia a few years ago. I remember seeing them right after - they had other kids but much older and seemed to be having a hard time managing him, figuring him out; just seemed awkward. They looked really stressed! Though I only saw them on Sundays, I noticed that over the course of a year they all became more relaxed and bonded with the little boy, and he was much happier. Normal of course - but meant as encouragement. Congratulations!

08-01-2010, 08:15 AM	#12
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Congrats Blue! I'd say Juni is right, comfort will come with time and patience. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

08-04-2010, 06:47 AM	#14
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Blue, you're a wonder. That boy has lucked out in so many ways. Like Mons said, love love, love. Discipline will come out of love. Boundaries come out of love. Respect comes out of love. I really admire what you are doing. And you're never too old. (well, I am, but only in the sense of life-situation vs fertility) Twenty-something parents still feel overwhelmed, so forget youthful energy! They don't have the benefits of life experience that you do (and are more likely - statistically - to divorce) Not knocking young parents. Just pointing out it's hard at any age. Older parents (ie older than Mum who gave birth to me at 28) are far more common now. And my Dad is still active at 70. Like you say, the boy had a grim future ahead of him, if you get to adopt then he so doesn't have that now. Celebs father babies into their senile years! You are not disadvantaging him, and love has no age limit.

08-04-2010, 08:21 AM	#15
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	If all else fails, ya can boil 'em. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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