Your Valentine could be a psychopath!

K, someone here asked me to give a distillation of my wisdom on the topic of sociopaths (and, no, it was not anyone who has ever started a thread in the "relationships forum"). Well, I am not a real a doctor; I have a MASTER'S Degree - in Science! With that caveat in mind:

Let's start with a fun little poll. Answer the questions above for anyone in your life you might be wondering about.

If you checked off 5 - 7 of these traits, you might want to think twice about sending them a box of chocolates. If you checked off all 10, you might want to think twice about ACCEPTING a box of chocolates from them!

Actually, most of the psychopaths you run into will be a boss, the next door neighbor, or that cute guy or gal you just met on an internet dating site, or even sitting next to you in church or school. They are what psychologists call asymptomatic psychopaths. That means they won't given you poison chocolates, but they will poison your life.

Psychopaths whose behaviors are at the extreme end of the spectrum or who are just stupid, usually end up in jail or dead. But for every Ted Bundy (who managed to elude detection for quite sometime), there are thousands of equally remorseless creatures "out there" or sitting next to you who are not compelled to murder young women or boys and who get their money other ways than by robbing banks or holding people up in an alley. I have seen estimates of the numbers of such people in the general population of anywhere from 2-3% to as high as 10%. Its difficult for scientists to estimate the true percentage of them in the population because psychopaths and narcissists rarely come in for help. They think there's nothing wrong with them. YOU are the one with the problem, NOT them.

Psychologists measure psychopathy on a sort of continuim that goes from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to Anti-social Personality Disorder to full blown psychopathy and many pages of the DSM IV in between (the DSM IV is the diagnostic Bible for every neurosis and personality disorder that is currently in vogue).

By far, the largest percentage of these people (I use the term "people" advisedly) are those with NPD - narcissists or "N's". There is much debate about whether a person becomes an N because of nature or nuture. Its probably some of both with early environment playing the strongest role. Narcissists essentially cease all emotional development by around the age of two. Their early childhood is so profoundly damaging that they never are able to develop those traits by which most of the rest of us define what it is to be human. They had parents or caregivers who largely ignored them completely or rejected them outright. They were not given the unconditional love that every infant and tiny child needs, nor they were they recognized as unique beings in their own right.

The narcissist that I know best came from a family of 12 children. His mother wanted daughters. Instead she had boys. Boy after disappointing boy. This man was boy number 5 of the first 10 children - all male. The boys lived in a sort of barracks area in the basement of the family home. They were left to raise themselves with the older boys abusing the younger ones in various ways. The mother didn't care enough about her sons except to make sure they looked good on the outside. They had clean clothes and shined shoes to wear to church. They had enough to eat. End of story. The father spent all his time at work and came home only to sleep and to get his wife pregnent with another disappointing boy - a reject. Finally, children 11 and 12 were born - girls, at last! They lived in the upstairs part of the house and were sent to exclusive finishing schools back East. They were named for their mother - the first got the mother's first name, the second got her middle name. The boys were named after books in the Bible - James, Matthew, Mark, John, etc. They were given $100 each and shown the door when they turned 18. Five of the brothers became schizophrenic. Three had severe personality disorders. And two escaped to live relatively normal lives, thousands of miles away from their mother and the rest of the family and never returned.

Narcissists have no sense of themselves as a unique being. They really have no sense of who they are at all. That's because their true self was never given a chance to emerge and develop. There is no person "in there." Narcissists are terrified of their inner emptiness and will almost never confront this aspect (or any other) of themselves - the emptiness is too overwhelming. Narcissists can't stand being alone because they have no inner life to sustain them. If a narcissist falls down in a forest with no one to hear, then NOTHING falls down.

They function in society by reflecting back the people around them. N's are master's of disguise. If you hook up with an N and let it be known that you vote Republican and like heavy metal music, then the N will be a right winger and go to heavy metal concerts with you. The very next day - literally - the N may be with someone else who is a liberal democrat and loves the ballet. That person will swear that their new N companion adores the Nutcracker and voted for Kerry in the last election. Its all the same to the N who actually couldn't care less. N's have no deep seated loyalties, no personal dreams they aspire to make real - they're just along for the ride.

They are unable to recognize other people as having emotions or even an existance except as that existance might be useful to the narcissist. Given the fact that a narcissist has no sense of his (or her) own self, this inability on the narcissist's part to see others as human beings with feelings should hardly come as a surprise. Narcissists are totally devoid of empathy. I would say that this is the single trait that is hardest for the rest of us to comprehend and that the lack of the ability to feel empathy is THE most definitive characteristic of the narcissist and psychopath.

From the picture I've painted, you might well wonder why on earth anyone other than a person has maladjusted as the narcissist or the psychopath themselves would ever become involved with one. The answer is that narcissists and psychopaths are as charming and alluring people as you may ever meet. I will explain the fatal charm of the narcissist/psychopath next.

[ashke]

I say, why the sudden lecture on psychopaths? (Though it's pretty interesting...)

Someone else who is interested in the topic asked me to write something on it and I have insomnia tonight!

[Trilby]

I do not go for psychopaths. I favor the narcissistic bastards. My, it's painful.

[WabUfvot5]

Originally Posted by ashke

I say, why the sudden lecture on psychopaths? (Though it's pretty interesting...)

This is something a lot of people probably don't know about but can effect them dramitically. For all the psychopaths and such that make the news (Scott Peterson for example) or "news magazines" (any of the guys who have more than 4 relationships at the same time) you'll never ever hear that they have something like NPD. Really, you know to avoid the guy talking to the trees (plenty of that here in California) but what about the person who just seems overly charming?

Knowledge is power as they say.

The lack of any deepseated loyalties it's really interesting / odd to see in person. You may see their music collection and think they sure have odd or crumby taste. Or they may have pop music -- simply because that's what most people listen to, or some specific genre because they know they can easily blend in or influence those who listen to it.

[Iggy]

They have a history of many broken relationships, failed jobs, former friends

They lie easily and smoothly, sometimes even about trivial things

They lack realistic goals or plans for the future

They lack true empathy for others, despite the fact that they may claim to be caring or kind

They consistently began to have trouble in school/and or with the law by their teenaged years

They have a sense of entitlement that is not earned by anything they have actually accomplished

They don't speak of their past experiences or mistakes and what they learned from these things

They are charming, easily make friends (at first), strike up conversations with strangers

They are quickly bored, often restless, short attention span

Wow... I just realized I am describing my sister. Pretty much everything applies to her... except for the "They have an inflated sense of their own importance, often putting others down." She acts like she should just get whatever she wants but then acts all depressed because she thinks she is worthless. Can these symptoms be brought on my depression?

[wolf]

Perhaps. But you should work towards getting her to see a therapist or psychiatrist.

Taking mental health advice from someone on the internet is probably not the best way to decide what's wrong with someone.

All marichiko has is a hammer.

I don't know about hammers, but I do have a key board and access to the DSM IV manual via the Internet. The criteria I listed come straight from the DSM IV discussion of NPD. I also have a stick of dynamite!

However, Wolf is correct. Only a trained professional is qualified to diagnose someone with ANYTHING! If you feel that your sister is experiencing severe emotional or life difficulties, the best thing you can do for her is to encourage her to get some professional help.

[Iggy]

Well, I also have to wonder if it has anything to do with her massive drug habit. That can mess someone up too... As far as I know she has slowed down, but some damage has to be permanent.

I would really like for her to get some help, but she won't do it. She doesn't want to hear what she thinks they will have to say. I was just surprised that maybe there was something actually wrong with her (other than the drugs) and it wasn't just her awful personality.

Originally Posted by Iggy

Well, I also have to wonder if it has anything to do with her massive drug habit. That can mess someone up too... As far as I know she has slowed down, but some damage has to be permanent.

I would really like for her to get some help, but she won't do it. She doesn't want to hear what she thinks they will have to say. I was just surprised that maybe there was something actually wrong with her (other than the drugs) and it wasn't just her awful personality.

Addicts/alcoholics often display symptoms that mimic those of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Needless to say, this is because the addict's only allegiance is to their drug of choice which makes them act in incredibly selfish ways. An addict will sacrifice family, friends, career, and ultimately themselves on the alter of their addiction.

Narcissists can also become addicts or alcoholics. In fact, this is not uncommon, because deep within their core, narcissists are filled with self loathing. They also realize that they are profoundly different than most other people around them. The last thing a narcissist wants to do is to look at these issues. Actually, narcissism is really a defense mechanism that keeps a badly damaged, almost non-existent sense of self from falling inward and imploding. Drugs and alcohol are great for keeping self awareness at bay.

The only way to tell for sure if someone is just a plain old garden variety addict or alcoholic, and not an NPD, is for them to clean up or sober up. The personality that then emerges may be that of a perfectly wonderful human being with a few hang ups - no different than any of the rest of us. Or you may get a sober version of reptilicus - not pretty!

The highest estimate I have come across for percentage of narcissists/psychopaths in the general population is around 10%. Thus, just going by statistics alone, chances are that your sister's problems revolve more around her drug habit than a personality disorder.

Alas, you cannot force her to sober up. Only she can decide for herself that is fed up with the addiction and start going to NA/AA and possibly treatment of some sort.

It might be helpful for you to check out some local Al-Anon meetings. You can't changer her, but you can change YOUR response to her.

Good luck!

[Iggy]

Thanks.

I think her problem is the drugs. She has done drugs of some form or another since she was 13, and she is 23 (to be 24 in September). On the rare occasions when she is sober, she acts like she should get everything she wants, has no goals, lies and steals constantly, and everything else.

But she is miserable with herself and so she cries all the time (when she isn't acting like I described). I feel bad for her sometimes becuase I know she is very depressed, but I have (almost) always done the right thing and I had the same oppurtunities she had so I can't buy the whole "I had a bad childhood" excuse.

She just got out of jail too. She wouldn't have had to go if she would have paid her tickets, and she went to court hopped up on all kinds of drugs and alcohol so the judge sentenced her to 6 months. It actually was a year and a half, but she got out on good behavior (go figure). She has been through AA and NA so many times that she knows what they want to hear so she just breezes through and they are none the wiser. I really don't know what to do about it, but I am pretty sure she will overdose one day (she has in the past) and that will be the end. I just hope it doesn't come to that. Thanks for your advice though.

I am sorry to hear about your sister's problem, Iggy. It is very painful to watch someone you care about destroy themselves.

I suspect that your sister's "sober" actions are all about getting high again as quickly as possible, from what you describe.

Addiction is a very devastating and mis-understood condition. I talked about it once with a psychologist who told me that most studies now show show that a propensity to addiction is part genetics and part environment. The genetic predisposition to addiction exists along a continuium of sorts. For example one person can go through every possibly tragedy - lose their entire family in some catastrophe, become ill with an incurable disease, and end up out ont he streets and still not become an alcoholic. Someone else might lose a beloved spouse and drink alcoholicly for a while, a third person might be raised in the perfect home, have everything in life going for them, and then they pick up their first drink of alcohol and become addicted immediently and end up either drinking themselves to death or into the rooms of AA. Most of us fall somewhere in between the extremes of this spectrum.

Your sister's low self esteem and drug abuse fuel each other. The worse she feels about herself, the more she uses drugs; the more she drugs the worse she feels about herself. She does have the ability to turn her life around, however. Even if she somehow aquired every last gene switched on for addiction, she can still get into recovery if she decides that she wants to live rather than die. But its her choice. All you can do is pray for her, and, really, you might find a couple of Al-Anon meetings to be very helpful for YOU!

[Iggy]

I think the genetics has something to do with it, and also why I doubt she will ever change. My dad is similar to her with his addictions but he hides it much better. He doesn't act like her most of the time but he almost never comes through with commitments. He also starts jobs (he is an electrician) and never finishes them. He can't hold down a job because of this.

I love them both, and I can deal with my dad much easier but I cannot trust his promises. It sucks but there isn't anything I can do about it. My sister always says that if we don't believe she can change, why should she? She needs to prove us right. So lately I have been trying to be very supportive with her and willing to help to see if it will make a difference. But I won't give her any money to help her habit. I also keep everything of value locked up when she is around so she can't steal it to get drugs.

My mom was the opposite of them but she died of a heart attack at 43 so she isn't around. I am like her more than my dad and sister but she isn't around to keep them in line. The drugs and everything got much worse when she died.

Part of the reason my sister is so disgusted by herself is that the last thing she ever said to my mom was "dig yourself a grave and rot in it." They hadn't spoke for a couple days when she died of the heart attack, out of the blue. She feels really guiltly for her actions, and I don't blame her. But I don't really know how to build her self esteem up so that she can quit her habits. And becuase my dad is in his fifties and still doing all the drugs and acting irresponsibly, it is hard for me to hold out hope that she is going to change.

I do need to go to the Al-anon meetings to help me deal with her. Hopefully soon I will be able to attend some and then I can start doing what needs to be done, if there is anything that can be done. Thanks again for your advice.

[dar512]

Originally Posted by Iggy

My sister always says that if we don't believe she can change, why should she?

Don't buy into this, Iggy. The correct answer to that question is, "for your own self-respect." It sounds like she's trying to make you responsible for her not changing.

[BigV]

Witness the awesome power of self delusion, from the perspective of Iggy's sister.