Probable Fruitless Gyration

[Elspode]

The problems in my kids' schools which I've posted about from time to time haven't gotten better. In fact, they've gotten worse. To whit, the following email, which will be sitting in the inboxes of every school district administrator above the level of hole puncher come morning.

I'm sure this is a total waste of time, but my kid shouldn't have to put up with this shit, not at school, not anywhere. And we *will* homeschool him, if that is what it takes.

Names changed to protect the innocent.

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Respected Educators, Administrators and Other Interested Parties:

I am writing today in order to inform you of a situation involving our 13-year-old son, C***, a seventh grade student at Grandview Middle School. Over the course of the past three years, we have become increasingly concerned about C***'s safety and well-being, as well as the overall social environment which is present in the Grandview Consolidated School District #4.

In recent months, C*** has been expressing various physical discomforts; headaches, fatigue and nausea. We took C*** to his physician, but nothing physical was found to be wrong with him by his medical doctor. These maladies are nothing new; C*** has complained about them on and off for a few years, but increasingly so in the past two years. These maladies seem to disappear during the summer months. Indeed, his physician rendered the opinion that C*** was almost certainly manifesting psychosomatic symptoms as a result of stress.

On the night of Wednesday, March 31, C***'s mother and I returned home to find C*** in a state of hysterical sobbing, curled in a fetal position on his bed. Upon querying him, he told us, between sobs, that he could no longer tolerate the sociological environment at his school. He stated that he was tired of being bullied, verbally and physically abused, intimidated, harassed and insulted by his fellow students on a daily basis. He said he could no longer go back to his school, and that he was afraid that he was going to either be hurt, or that he would hurt someone else.

The emotional outburst went on for quite some time, and his mother and I determined that he needed professional psychological care. We took him to St. Luke's Cr******n center, which is near our home, on Thursday evening. There, he underwent an intake interview, and was admitted to the hospital facility. On Friday, C*** received an evaluation and was prescribed Lexapro, an antidepressant/antianxiety medication. On Sunday, we checked C*** out of Cr******n and brought him home, largely because he displayed no further symptoms of emotional distress. He has displayed no further symptoms since then. However, it was the advice of his therapist at Cr******n that C*** be removed from GMS and homeschooled if at all possible.

C*** rarely displays unfounded physical symptoms when he is out of school. When at home, he is a gregarious, outgoing, loving and well-adjusted teenager. However, when in the environment of Grandview Middle School, he descibes himself as fearful and anxious, and he manifests psychosomatic physical symptoms. It is our belief that there is a serious problem with the way the students at GMS are behaving toward C***, and I would like to give several examples of things that have occurred there in recent months.

C*** has described frequent and ongoing verbal abuse. Some of the terms which he has had directed at him are as follow:

Nigger
Bitch
Motherfucker
Boy
Carrot Top
Son of a Bitch
Puto
Fatty
Baker

C*** tells us that these, and other, terms are used in an aggressive manner, multiple times, on a daily basis, often with exhortations of "step up", meaning that he is being encouraged to respond to the verbal abuse with physical force. In addition, C*** relates to us that he is frequently derided because of his physical appearance; in particular, his weight, his freckles and his red hair are targeted. C*** also relates tales of physical contact; he says he is frequently shoved, punched and intentionally run into while walking through the hallways. He reports that the individuals who collide with him often look back and laugh derisively. In no event is there any indication of the collisions being accidental, and no apologies or pardons are offered. He has been stabbed in the head with a pencil by a student who sat beside him in the gym (this required treatment by the school nurse), kicked while standing in line and while sitting in classes.

As his parents, we have spent a great deal of time trying to help C*** deal with the situations at school for the past few years. We have impressed upon him, at length, the need to remain passive, to walk away and, at all times, de-escalate the hostile situations. We have instructed C*** to report all such incidents at school, but he tells us that nothing has yet changed as a result of his reports. We have also taken our parental concerns to the school administrators on several occasions. With one notable exception, we were told that the situations were either mutual, or that they were C***'s fault for having started them. We can no longer accept such explanations. There is a consistent pattern which has emerged over the years, one which cannot be explained by solely pointing the finger of blame at our son. It is our belief that an overall attitude of aggression and hostility is being allowed to fester within the Grandview School District, and in particular, at Grandview Middle School.

When a child repeatedly comes home describing cases of verbal abuse, physical abuse, intimidation, and insults with clearly derogatory racial intent, *something* is seriously wrong. When a child finally breaks down from the anxiety caused by such an onslaught, something must be done to change things.

It is our intent to request that C*** receive an IEP evaluation for the purpose of determining what accomodations may be made in order to remove him from the hostile and possibly dangerous environment at GMS. As you are aware, emotional disabilities are covered under ADA regulations, and we feel that there are numerous reasonable accomodations that must be made in order to provide physical and emotional security to our son. We therefore request the following immediate steps be taken, until such time as an IEP can be developed and a full assessment of alternate educational situations be made:

1) C*** must be allowed to transit between classes either before or after the other students. In this way, he will not have to interact with the other students during the relatively unsupervised times when walking between classrooms.

2) C*** must be allowed to sit with a supervising teacher or other adult staff member during his lunch period. Much of the abuse he has described occurs during lunch periods, and no one ever seems to take much notice.

We will *not* return C*** to GMS until such time as the two enumerated safety criteria are guaranteed to us. In the meantime, C*** will be homeschooled. However, we much prefer that C*** be able to remain in the Grandview school system. He is much too social, and does not deserve to be isolated simply because of harassment and aggression.

It should be pointed out that C*** is currently an honor roll level student; he was recently granted membership in the National Junior Honor Society. He is very active in extracurricular activites and Band. It is all the more remarkable that he has been so determined to make the most of his school experience, especially since attending middle school, in light of the stress, fear and intimidation he has experienced.

It would be very easy to simply try and explain this problem away by saying that C*** is maladjusted or that he is suffering from some mental problems separate from his school experience. However, we believe that his grades, his participation at school, his general good nature and overall outgoing and loving personality belie such a conclusion. C*** will be participating in ongoing counseling and psychopharmacological treatment. C*** will be dealing with his part of the situation. I now must ask how Grandview will deal with its part in all of this?

It would be a terrible tragedy if a pervasive sociologically oppressive situation were allowed to perpetuate until some other student ended up feeling like C*** feels. Perhaps that student's parents would not have the psychological training that C***'s mother has. Perhaps that student's symptoms would go unrecognized until it was too late, and Grandview School District found itself the victim of another senseless and preventable tragedy such as those at Columbine and Hattiesburg.

I implore you to take immediate steps to ensure the safety, not only of our son, but of your entire student body. Attitude, abuse and hostility deprive us of our fundamental human dignity. Vile, hateful words leave us traumatized. This situation needs to be addressed immediately, and simple words and posters encouraging students to respect each other won't do it.

We await your prompt *written* response.

[Brigliadore]

It always amazes me how nasty children can be to each other. I understand a lot of what your child is going through. In my 11th grade year, a girl who went to school with me decided she had it in for me. She told the teachers and administrative staff lies about me, sabotaged things I was involved in, did anything she could to get me in trouble. I spent a lot of time in the principles office for shit I never did and no matter what I said no one believed me. I decided I had about all I could take of that bull shit and went to a home study program for my 12th year. It was my moms idea for the home study, I didn't care where I went I just wanted out of that school. Perhaps your school district has something similar. In my case I was enrolled in a school that was still part of the school district but I only went to school once a week for an hour. I wish you luck on this matter, I truly hope for your sons sake that it all turns out favorably.

[novice]

Kids are, indeed, excessively cruel and I feel his pain as I was subjected to many instances of bullying due to my being very short. I too adopted a 'turn the other cheek' approach although this was mostly for self preservation.
Later though, as I outgrew most of my antagonists, I discovered they were now fearful of my righteous retribution. A glower or a softly, yet deliberately spoken word usually elicited the desired submission of will.

On a lighter note, perhaps the suffering could have been considerably reduced had you not called your child "C***

[jaguar]

i too copped it pretty hard, all the way from 3rd grade or so till high school. My answer was also straight to the point. During one particular day of the usual incredibly creative abuse (I too am red haired and an utter geek) I just utterly snapped, turn around, grabbed the asshole by the hair (fuckwit made the mistake of having long hair) and rammed his head, mouth first into a metal pole once or twice. It all happened so fast he had no time to react, noone expected it, least of all me. He required fairly extensive dental work after that, his mouth was a bloody mess. Despite dire threats of revenge nothing happened. If they had tried anything I would have be out to draw some serious blood. I still copped it a bit but it was water off a ducks back, didn't even notice and they knew not to push it.

I have no regrets whatsoever. I got in a little trouble but basically nothing, the teachers were well aware of the situation and I had a few friends on the staff. I made it perfectly clear shortly after to one that if either the school or he wanted to pursue the issue further I'd unleash unholy legal war for years of abuse and inaction.

This of course was pre-colombine. These days I probably would have been hauled off to the loony bin.

[wolf]

Good letter, El. But you probably shouldn't have mentioned Columbine and Hattiesburg there at the end ... it's something that you want the administrators thinking about, but NOT associating with your kid.

I don't know that the two criteria you specify will have the effect you desire, either ... they give the bullies yet another weapon to use against your son, as well as make it possible that they will escalate their abuse ... your son will not be in arm's length of a teacher at all times, and the challenge of getting to him will enhance the bully experience.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through anything like this. Good luck with the homeschooling. I think that it will probably work for you, as your son is bright enough and has initiative enough to make Jr. Honor Society.

[Skunks]

"Puto"? That's a new one on me.

Good luck. I was there too, but instead of writing a long letter, my dad just let me drop out.

Doing well so far, but who's to say which is better?

Come to think of it, it was about the same age, too; early 6th grade for me.

[smoothmoniker]

i really wish that homeschooling had been as socially acceptable when I was in jr. high and high shcool. I would have loved nothing more than to get out of the school social environment. It was very "Lord of the Flies", strong beat the weak - and I was not the strong.

Els, I feel for you son. You might take comfort in the fact that, as has often been noted, those who were popular in school rarely do anything worthwile once they leave school. Success belongs to the Nerds!

-m

[Clodfobble]

Puto is Spanish slang. "Puta" roughly means "bitch," and by Spanish grammar rules therefore "puto" would be the masculine form of bitch. Plain ol' "puta" is often applied to boys as well though.

Ah, I learned so many Spanish curse words in my junior high...

[Elspode]

Originally posted by wolf
Good letter, El. But you probably shouldn't have mentioned Columbine and Hattiesburg there at the end ... it's something that you want the administrators thinking about, but NOT associating with your kid.

I don't know that the two criteria you specify will have the effect you desire, either ... they give the bullies yet another weapon to use against your son, as well as make it possible that they will escalate their abuse ... your son will not be in arm's length of a teacher at all times, and the challenge of getting to him will enhance the bully experience.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through anything like this. Good luck with the homeschooling. I think that it will probably work for you, as your son is bright enough and has initiative enough to make Jr. Honor Society.

The goal, ultimately, is to segregate him from the baddies when there is no direct teacher or other adult supervision. Even then, shit happens to him, but it is mostly in the form of "hornets" (paper folded tightly, flatly and pointedly to form a rubber band launched missle) and other painful, but not way out of the ordinary classroom bullshit.

It did occur to me that this very segregation would make him an even more desireable target, but it does at least have the effect of removing him from the threat of immediate harm and further verbal intimidation. It also has the advantages of helping to ensure that there are unambiguous witnesses if anything does occur, something which is lacking now.

Mrs. Elspode has already received a phone call from the Director of Special Education this morning, who is taking this case under his wing, and moving to start the process of getting Colin's educational situation modified to fit the circumstances, so the cage rattling is, so far, having the desired effect. We'll see how far it goes.

It had better go as far as it needs to. I have a computer and a vocabulary, and I know how to use them to make these peoples' lives miserable.

As far as the association with other school massacres and my kid, I'd like to see the bastards draw *that* parallel. The media would *love* to interview someone about why they are trying to subdue the injured party instead of dealing with the perps.

[vsp]

Originally posted by Elspode
Some of the terms which he has had directed at him are as follow:

Nigger
Carrot Top

You know, there aren't many people who can pull off both of these.

"Baker" eludes me.

Then again, it's no wonder the poor boy's traumatized, when even YOU'RE calling him a C*** throughout your post.

[SteveDallas]

Originally posted by Elspode
The media would *love* to interview someone about why they are trying to subdue the injured party instead of dealing with the perps.

No they wouldn't. They'd be running sob stories about the poor misunderstood perps who are being labelled as bullies. Nobody is interested in antisocial goody-twoshoes kids who just want to be left alone.

[staceyv]

i woudn't advise you to have him sit with a teacher at lunch or go to classes early, by himself. this will probably give those kids other reasons to make fun of him, and will make him feel more isolated. kids can be EVIL. the school can't change these kids. they can try their best to keep everyone safe, but there will still come a time when he is confronted in the bathroom, on the bus, walking home, etc.
i think the only way out of the situation would be to change schools. if you can't afford a private school, maybe the state would give you permission to let him attend a school outside of the district he lives in because of the special circumstances. he can have a fresh start. keep him in counseling! maybe the counselor can give him productive or at least better ways of dealing with harassment, since it might even happen at a new school. but, he would be starting over with no reputation as "the kid we like to pick on" and if he handles himself differently, maybe he could ward it off. if he shows them it bothers him, they do it even more. there has to be some way of conducting himself that would make it unrewarding for kids to pick on him, and i'm sure a good therapist would know what that manner was (or a good book..)
if changing schools is definitely not an option, what can you do?? kick all of the bad kids out of the school?, no. tell him to bring a weapon, because he's desperate for respect and for it to stop? -NO. really, what can you do if he's still going to that school with those kids??
if he was my son, my plan of action would be:
1) get permission to let him attend a different public school, or pay for a private school.
2) read some good books and articles on line about what to do if you're the victim of a bully.
3) keep him in counseling
4) make him feel better about himself! if he's overweight, work out with him, buy him a bike, get him a personal trainer, or SOME form of daily excercise, and put him on a diet. excercise and feeling good about your weight is great for mental health and confidence.
5) what the hell, ask him if he wants to dye his hair black before he goes to the new school. something about his hair seems to provoke carrot top jokes.
even better, do number 4 and maybe 5 over summer vacation, and in spring when he goes back to school, he will be feeling confident and even the little bastard kids won't find anything striking to make fun of him about!
sorry about such a long post. i had too much coffee, and i HATE it when evil kids hurt other, nice kids.
when i was little, a girl named "tawana" used to chase me home from school everyday....that's another thread.

[wolf]

StaceyV's suggestion #5 goes against #4 ... if you want him to feel better about himself, why hide who/what he is??

If you need the info, El, I know someone who maintains a Pagan Homeschool e-list .... so you'd have a source of information from folks who aren't biblebeaters, as the majority of homeschoolers tend to be Christian-Right.

[Clodfobble]

A change of environment, if it's possible, can have a dramatic effect. When I was growing up, I went to the same day camp every summer, all summer, from the age of 4 all the way to 14. There were a whole group of us like that, and I grew up with them just like I did the kids in school.

For some reason, I was horribly bullied in school and had exactly 0 friends (my best/only friend was a younger girl who lived across the street and went to private school), but I was one of the most popular kids at camp. These trends continued all throughout both. I have tried and tried so very hard to figure out WHY that was. At school I was definitely one of "the smart ones," so that bred the typical resentment of bullies, but I was also really good at swimming, gymnastics, etc. at camp and it didn't seem to matter.

About the only conclusion I've been able to come to is that it was random. Certain chance encounters early on in both set me up as a victim and a leader, respectively, and I couldn't change them once they'd been formed--both because I couldn't change the other kids' impressions and also because I couldn't change my own attitude about where I fit in the social ladder.

If it's at all possible, I'd definitely see if he can switch schools. Transfers happened all the time in my district, and especially after your letter, I would think they'd be more than willing to work with you.

[Elspode]

Private school is definitely *not* an option. My income was cut in half this past year. Living indoors is almost a luxury. Changing schools, at least in this part of the country, would require a change of residence. Schools in the KC area actively prevent students from attending across boundaries, specifically because so many families would send their kids away from bad environments into better ones.

I am most definitely *not* going to make him change his appearance. Okay, dieting isn't such a bad idea, but the boy really isn't what normal people would call "fat". He simply isn't a muscleboy, or a heroin waif. He is, however, a full head taller than most of the kids who screw with him, and he outweighs them by 50 pounds, so it is kind of too bad that this isn't 50 years ago, when you *could* settle things by kicking someone's ass and thereby earning, if not their respect, their avoidance.

Wolf, we are already dialed into the Pagan homeschooling network. We have a good Pagan friend here locally who homeschooled three children all the way up to college. All were accepted at major universities, BTW. She is even writing a book about it, and is probably well-known on that list you mentioned. She is an invaluable resource to us right now.

I appreciate all of the input, folks. Believe me, we've thought of all of the things you've mentioned, and we are a bit leery of the path we are choosing at the moment (that of keeping him in school with some sort of accomodation for his safety), but in the meantime, we are creating a curriculum for his homeschooling. My wife homeschooled his older brother for two years, and so she knows what to do. She has also served as a teacher in a children's residential psych care center, as well as being an honors graduate from her university, so we can do the job.

It is finding the time to do a *good* job that will be challenging.