Merry Fucking Christmas

[Elspode]

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese (Author unknown)

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks,
etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope
and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor
residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in
their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e.
dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited
to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear
in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes
hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said
Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the
parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The
party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to
investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the
first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a
miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of
the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to
the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal
co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief,
it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph"
may have been involved.) The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the
Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of
several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items
of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and
Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur
suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he
carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages,
toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco
in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health
regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the
stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with
toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts"
to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew,
rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the
Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately
departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the departure of
the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did
hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good
night!" Or words to that effect.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Is this the version for Juju to read to his kid so she won't hate him when she grows up?

[Whit]

The Modern Night Before Christmas (Author Unknown)

Twas the night before X-mas
and all through the house
everybody felt shitty
even the mouse

Dad at the whore house
Mom smokin' grass
I'd just settled down
to a nice piece of ass

when the rose 'pon the roof top
such a great clatter
that I sprang from my piece
to see what was the matter (hey it was really fuckin' loud okay?)

down the chimney he came
like a bat outta hell
I knew right away
that the fat fucker fell

he stuffed all the stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer

up the chimney he rose
with one hell of a fart
that son of bitch
blew the chimney apart

and I heard him exclaim
as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all
and have a hell of a night"

[SteveDallas]

Once again, I recommend the Bob Rivers Twisted Christmas CD. "A Visit from St. Nicholson"... Jack Nicholson pays a Christmas Eve visit in place of Santa Claus. Classic.

[elSicomoro]

What Wolf posted is funny...until you hear the song that Korn made of it...and then it's just plain creepy.

[xoxoxoBruce]

What Wolf posted is funny

I missed that. Where is it?

[elSicomoro]

Sorry Bruce...I meant Whit.

[Whit]

      I didn't know Korn had done it. For me that story dates back to High School, so they didn't originate it. On a related note, I saw Korn open for Ozzy many years back. They sucked. Hell, the front row sat down a talked amongst themselves while Korn was up there.

[elSicomoro]

Originally posted by Whit
I didn't know Korn had done it. For me that story dates back to High School, so they didn't originate it. On a related note, I saw Korn open for Ozzy many years back. They sucked. Hell, the front row sat down a talked amongst themselves while Korn was up there.

You couldn't have seen them THAT long ago...they've been around for less than 10 years.

Yeah, they made a song out of what you posted...probably in the last few years. I had no clue as to whether they wrote it or not though.

[ThisOleMiss]

OHMYGOD!!! I think Esplode may be a lawyer!!

[Elspode]

No, but I know a lot of lawyers for some reason. This came from one of them.