Changes coming soon.

[footfootfoot]

For the past several years I've been battling with not just depression but also a major addiction. The depression is mostly managed, the PTSD is almost mostly managed, but the addiction has picked up the resulting slack and has been hitting me hard.

Many of you might recognize the symptoms, missing or being late to work, missing or being late to appointments, teacher's meeting, kids sporting events, kid's after school activities, not cooking or making proper meals for self and or kids, compulsively engaging in the addiction despite not needing to or wanting not to.

My major health problems (hypogandism, depression, weight gain, high BP, depression) all arose from chronic insomnia and chronic pain lasting several years. After a lot of work with my therapist and much trial, error, falling and getting back up again, I realized that the most important thing I can do for my health is to get 8 hours or more of quality sleep and to practice good sleep hygiene. For me that means going to bed at 8:00 or 8:30 and getting up at 6:00.

When I do this, things go much better for me and I can take the steps I need to change my career, find a job that pas enough to live on, and deal with day to day requirements of life life cooking and cleaning, washing clothes, and so on.

Unfortunately, my addiction keeps me from doing almost all of that. The past week I ended up staying up until 3am then 4am the 4:30am, getting a couple of hours of sleep then going to do a construction job, then being so tired on the third day I overslept (noon) and nearly missed a meeting with the electrician for a job, and annoyed my client b/c I was a no-show after agreeing on a time.

I'm pretty much only half there when my kids are over and I get annoyed when they interrupt me, I forget that they asked for something to eat fifteen minutes ago, and so on.

I've been intellectually aware of this for some time, but it has only recently really hit home as I am facing foreclosure and am back to doing construction against my doc's advice because it is easy (ish) and expedient.

I have an internet/screen addiction. When I had TV I would not be able to turn it off and would stay awake until 4 or 5 am with bloodshot burning eyes, unable to turn it off in case the next show or scene would be the really great one. I got rid of my TV in 1978, had one briefly in 1994 and haven't had one since.

A few years back I dumped the internet and was happier and more productive. Now there is free wifi accessible from my house so it is hard to pretend the internet isn't a click away. I end up having the same behaviors with the web as I do with TV. The next link will be teh awesome, funny video, history of swordsmithing, life cycle of bamboo, all the US military manuals on survival, antique erotic postcards from France, list of all the Film Noir movies, how to play the clarinet, what is what's her name doing these days? You get the picture. And it's 2:45 am, just a few more minutes until I find what I'm looking for.

After trying many, many times I realized I can't regulate my time in front of a screen. I am watching my life burn away in front of me and I'm doing nothing about it. I'm missing my kids lives right in front of me. Living without a computer will be challenging and I suppose there will be times when it will be necessary for me to go online, I'll have to deal with that when it arises, but for now, I am putting my computer in storage at a friend's house, who is tasked with keeping it inaccessible to me.



<-- you see? that's why.

This Sunday is when I'm going offline. Some of you have my email, I'll be checking that once a week, if you want to keep in touch. I can also give you my snail mail; I plan on going old school as much as possible.

It's feeling pretty intense, walking away from all that information. Especially for an information sponge.